starting here. starting now.
last night i tried to commit suicide for about the 4th time.
i've had enough. im telling my parents because when it comes down to it, i want to live. there is no question in my mind about that. what needs to happen is i need to change. and im just a baby and im scared and weak so i wanted to take the cop out way and just die. i mean, i think im crazy because i'll go for days thinking of nothin but suicide and then just out of no where, im happy again. but thoes times dont last. what it comes down to, is i dont like who i have become. i had plans and goals set miles above where i am. and every day i deny and think of ways i can avoid going deeper when the reality is i need to "suck it up wussie" and do something productive for myself. im writing my mom a letter telling her everything, and in a way im sort of asking her to ground me. to look over my shoulder at all times. and i wont be on the internet as much and i might just get to hating her and wishing i had never done all this but in the long run, we are going to save me. i want last night to never happen again.
hopefully, i'll negotiate a "building time" when i can get online to update and work on my page and stuff. i dunno. this is the hardest thing i have ever done, but i need to do it.
wish me luck.
i've had enough. im telling my parents because when it comes down to it, i want to live. there is no question in my mind about that. what needs to happen is i need to change. and im just a baby and im scared and weak so i wanted to take the cop out way and just die. i mean, i think im crazy because i'll go for days thinking of nothin but suicide and then just out of no where, im happy again. but thoes times dont last. what it comes down to, is i dont like who i have become. i had plans and goals set miles above where i am. and every day i deny and think of ways i can avoid going deeper when the reality is i need to "suck it up wussie" and do something productive for myself. im writing my mom a letter telling her everything, and in a way im sort of asking her to ground me. to look over my shoulder at all times. and i wont be on the internet as much and i might just get to hating her and wishing i had never done all this but in the long run, we are going to save me. i want last night to never happen again.
hopefully, i'll negotiate a "building time" when i can get online to update and work on my page and stuff. i dunno. this is the hardest thing i have ever done, but i need to do it.
wish me luck.