Second-Hand Soul
Click to viewHello, brothers and sisters. I am OgreVI and I’m here to talk business.
Recently TheStigmaDeign, a user of whom you may have heard, posted an interesting offer on his channel. I’ll excerpt the relevant bit here, and include a link to the original video in the description.
[I’m not going to transcribe his video; suffice it to say, he is offering to buy my soul via PayPal for five dollars]
Speaking directly to TheStigmaDeign, lemme say that I’m hip to that. I neither have nor want a PayPal account, so you’ll have to mail me a check or money order, but I think maybe we can work something out.
I’m an atheist, as per your specifications, and I have no soul. Or, at least, if I have one I can’t detect it. To me that constitutes pretty conclusive proof it isn’t there, since I don’t really see how I could have one and not know it. Still, if you do believe I have one, I’m perfectly willing to sell it to you if it’ll make you happy. I like folks to be happy. And I like money.
Here’s the thing, though. You think I have a soul. You think it’s the core of my being, the essence of who I am. And you think it’s worth five dollars. A pack of cigarettes. Hard not to be insulted by that, frankly, regardless of whether it actually exists. I mean, my virginity doesn’t exist, either; it’s long since gone the way of the dinosaurs. But let’s say you thought it did, and were hungry for a piece of my unspoiled little lily-white ass. How do you think I’d react if you opened the bidding at five dollars? What if it was your ass and my five dollars? I don’t think you’d thank me for that, whether you’re a virgin or not.
No, brother, I don’t think we can do business along those lines. Imaginary or not, if I’m gonna sell my soul, it’s gonna be worth my while. In the old days, you really got something out of selling your soul, you know? Faust got all the knowledge in the universe in exchange for his soul. He got all kinds of magical powers, too. I mean, if I was Faust I could occasionally pop back to 1961 for a wild weekend with Audrey Hepburn. To be honest, I’d trade my soul for that even if it was real.
You can’t get that sort of deal these days, because Mephistopheles also turns out to be imaginary. I recognize, Mr. Deign, that you don’t have the resources to supply me with that, and I’m trying to be reasonable here. So, let’s be a little more realistic. What do I need? Well, my job isn’t the greatest, and the end of the month always finds me scrambling a little bit to get the rent paid, so how about that? I could sell my soul to keep a roof over my head.
Now, the soul is immortal, of course, and so to be fair I ought to get my rent paid for the rest of my life in exchange for it. But you are at least not obviously wealthy and prob’ly can’t afford that.
But one month you might be able to manage. Rent on this place is $505, plus $15 for the Pretty Hate Machine, and we are a package deal. You’ll have to pay her way as well.
So here’s my counter-offer: Send me a personal message and I’ll give you my address. Once I’ve received your payment, I will sign this page and either mail it or scan it and e-mail it to you, whichever you prefer. If you like, I’ll even get the thing notarized, though that will cost you a few extra bucks.
I realize that you’re using me to make a point, though I confess that I’m not quite sure what that point is. I’m willing to play along, but not for any lousy five bucks. So, upon receipt of your check or money order for $520, I will send you the legal title to my soul. I believe that, upon reflection, you’ll realize this is a much more fair arrangement.
These terms are not negotiable. The whole thing was your idea, and so it seems proper that you should have the first crack at this once-in-a-lifetime deal. The offer is exclusive to you until June 1st. After that, I will open the bidding to the larger YouTube community. I don’t actually care who buys my soul, so if you aren’t interested, perhaps someone else will be.
Anyone out there looking for a second-hand soul? Like new, never used, still in its original packaging. How can you pass that up?
As far as the cost of my unspoiled little lily-white ass is concerned, well, all serious offers will be considered.
UPDATE: (5/28) TheStigmaDeign has not replied to my counter-offer, but the video did receive this response from my friend Shayrah: