Failing.
I feel pathetic. My efforts aren't good enough. Am I even trying?
Recently, I came across an interesting quote. It goes like this: "You spend your whole life stuck in a labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present." Every single word had me immediately picturing my life, where I want to be and the steps I want to take to get there. It felt uplifting, just like every other inspirational quote, except this was not one. As soon as I read "but you never do it..." it snapped me back to reality. What do I do every single day to reach my potential? The truth is almost nothing; I might do something every other day, but most days I stand still. Procrastinate. Some times I remember to plan my days, but mostly I don't, and other forms of planning are subconsciously pushed to the side. For instance, a few weeks ago, I made a workout/meditation schedule, but I forgot about it as soon as the next day, and when I remembered, I wouldn't print it. On the mornings I remember it I make excuses for not following my schedule. These days I'm thinking I would really love to join a specialized gym, to keep me motivated, but my excuse is I've got no money to pay for it, plus I'm not too sure what I'd like to do. I got discouraged out of yoga by my sister who complained it was too expensive, and that it's not my "personality"; I won't be able to keep up because it demands much of my time and I'm not one to wake up early in the morning. Oh please, that has nothing to do with personality, and everything to do with habit. It's not the first time she says something like that to me though. Her words tend to poison me much despite my efforts not to listen. Now, I'm thinking I could take up boxing or kickboxing, or self-defense to learn to fight...it's cheaper too.
What's more? I'm not sure my diet is going so well. I had made a conscious decision to eat healthier, and incorporate more raw foods. All that had been going well(I was even keeping up with my dance workouts!)all of last week until now. Since Monday, I have been eating poorly, and spending a ton of money on food & transportation. I went from having 84$ in my checking to 66$ in two days! I let myself go... it's what I always do. Letting myself go. I must think I've got all the time in the world. I'm very lazy, especially these days. It must be my improper eating that's making me feel like crap, because last week my self-esteem was pretty good.
Yesterday, I got a quiz back, and my mark, although I was sure to at least get a 70, was a 65. Again. I'm starting to think this is what I'm worth, what I am. Everyone else tries as hard as I do or not not as much, and they get 70 averages.I must think small while everyone else thinks bigger than I do. Even when I wanted it bad enough, and suffered through anxiety for success last semester, it never came. Instead, I failed two classes. Am I a joke? I'm so depressed just thinking about my continuous failures.
What do I do from now on? Well, I already know if I force myself into sleeping soundly at night instead of watching tv or sleeping with the lights on, then I could start my day happy and early. Reading the diagram below, I realize I am not a successful person, nor am I an unsuccessful person, but I am in between. I think the way I feel about my current environment is what's pulling me down. I'm really hating school right now, and I've got no motivation for it even though I should at least try to be optimistic about it in case my current credits can be transferred. But thinking about the assignments I have to do make me want to drop everything.
Recently, I came across an interesting quote. It goes like this: "You spend your whole life stuck in a labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present." Every single word had me immediately picturing my life, where I want to be and the steps I want to take to get there. It felt uplifting, just like every other inspirational quote, except this was not one. As soon as I read "but you never do it..." it snapped me back to reality. What do I do every single day to reach my potential? The truth is almost nothing; I might do something every other day, but most days I stand still. Procrastinate. Some times I remember to plan my days, but mostly I don't, and other forms of planning are subconsciously pushed to the side. For instance, a few weeks ago, I made a workout/meditation schedule, but I forgot about it as soon as the next day, and when I remembered, I wouldn't print it. On the mornings I remember it I make excuses for not following my schedule. These days I'm thinking I would really love to join a specialized gym, to keep me motivated, but my excuse is I've got no money to pay for it, plus I'm not too sure what I'd like to do. I got discouraged out of yoga by my sister who complained it was too expensive, and that it's not my "personality"; I won't be able to keep up because it demands much of my time and I'm not one to wake up early in the morning. Oh please, that has nothing to do with personality, and everything to do with habit. It's not the first time she says something like that to me though. Her words tend to poison me much despite my efforts not to listen. Now, I'm thinking I could take up boxing or kickboxing, or self-defense to learn to fight...it's cheaper too.
What's more? I'm not sure my diet is going so well. I had made a conscious decision to eat healthier, and incorporate more raw foods. All that had been going well(I was even keeping up with my dance workouts!)all of last week until now. Since Monday, I have been eating poorly, and spending a ton of money on food & transportation. I went from having 84$ in my checking to 66$ in two days! I let myself go... it's what I always do. Letting myself go. I must think I've got all the time in the world. I'm very lazy, especially these days. It must be my improper eating that's making me feel like crap, because last week my self-esteem was pretty good.
Yesterday, I got a quiz back, and my mark, although I was sure to at least get a 70, was a 65. Again. I'm starting to think this is what I'm worth, what I am. Everyone else tries as hard as I do or not not as much, and they get 70 averages.I must think small while everyone else thinks bigger than I do. Even when I wanted it bad enough, and suffered through anxiety for success last semester, it never came. Instead, I failed two classes. Am I a joke? I'm so depressed just thinking about my continuous failures.
What do I do from now on? Well, I already know if I force myself into sleeping soundly at night instead of watching tv or sleeping with the lights on, then I could start my day happy and early. Reading the diagram below, I realize I am not a successful person, nor am I an unsuccessful person, but I am in between. I think the way I feel about my current environment is what's pulling me down. I'm really hating school right now, and I've got no motivation for it even though I should at least try to be optimistic about it in case my current credits can be transferred. But thinking about the assignments I have to do make me want to drop everything.