he's really gone this time.
I wish that this was one of my paranoid freakout I have when my dad loses his phone in the couch and I don't here from him for months. I mean that's what happend last time. The truth is after suffering from a mental illness he's really done himself in. How was I supposed to know that he was decaying away on his kitchen floor. I'm trying so hard not to blame myself but I can't help it. I should have kept in contact with him more, and when I could not I should have drove up there and checked on him. I want my daddy back so much. Just when I think I have a handle on my emotions I just start crying till I feel like I'm going to pass out. Its just that he's never going to see me get married or have children one day. If I ever have kids they won't know how great and funny their grandfather is. He was only 47 he had so much more to live. I'm probally going to get his car and furniture and a buch of other shit, but what I really want is my daddy back. I wanted to go to college and succeed and he would be really proud of me. Now even if I do that my dad is not going to be their to give me a hug and say how proud he was. He was always really hard to impress but when you did it was one of the best feelings ever. I hate that I have to use past tens words like was. I'm so afraid to go to the wake and see his body laying their because then its going to be so real and I don't know if I can handle it. I miss him so much.