(no subject)
Every once in a LONG while I do one of these...somewhere on the nets. Today it is on livejournal.
So there's a lot going on with me internally of late--I've mentioned some of these things in disparate places or to various people recently but here it is all in one place.
This is kind of boring, heavy (and LONG) so--really--if you don't want to know, don't click.
Lately I've been very fascinated with stop-motion animation, particularly the kind employing clay-based puppets. I love how it creates a sense of this other, tangible world, set in miniature. Every little detail is so precious and absorbing. I once toyed with the idea of going into animation but then computer animation became a really big deal and is now almost solely the way to do animation and I find it incredibly tedious. Somehow I think I'd be okay with that meticulousness if I were working with clay puppets--or if I were painting sets or modeling the puppets or building little props. The end result is so...magical. I know everyone says that about animation at some point but it's really true about stop-motion. Maybe this is because it reminds me of my childhood. I've found myself fonder of things that bring me back to my childhood lately...the smell of geranium leaves...I want to buy a potted rose geranium to keep in the living room.
Anyway so I've played with the idea of moving to the Bristol area of England and working for Aardman Animation as a floor sweeper or something, until I can convince them to let me try modeling characters or painting sets. Maybe after some additional schooling. I'm not fond of the idea of living in the UK with its awful weather and worse food and I don't know yet if I actually will or not but...maybe stop-motion can save me. I feel so dead in the water.
I've already mentioned previously my bouts of anxiety and little panic attacks in the last few months. I've started feeling really depressed lately and one of my friends suggested therapy which I will probably follow up on when I can find a suitable therapist, especially since I've been having very outwardly and inwardly destructive thoughts of late. THAT hasn't happened in a long-ass time. There's been such a disconnect in my head. Some vital cog slipping. Like one part of my brain isn't talking to another. I feel something and I can't verbalize it, my body reacts in some way but nothing in my head or environment can really account for it.
I watched Frida last night, which was really uplifting and depressing at the same time. Not that the movie itself is depressing---it's beautiful. I avoided watching it for so long because I was worried they would botch it but they gave it wings. But watching the movie reminded me of so many things I want from life which struck me with inspiration and heartbreak in tandem. I have awful regrets I haven't been able to let go of. I'm afraid they'll emotionally cripple me.
Maybe it's the love or idea of love I can't let go of. I wish I could really get a grip on being my own person again. In the past feels like I've traded pieces of myself for love's sake. Sometimes I wanted to and sometimes I didn't, I just felt I had to. Anyway, once the groovy love is gone, you're only left with a carcass, stitch yourself back together, scab the wounds over, blah blah blah. I feel the seams keenly sometimes. I really empathize with Frida's pain in that sense. I really only need to deal with the accumulated aches of a broken foot, wrist and elbows but the emotional shit needles me every time.
I want to be my own person because I'll never be anyone else's, much as I want to. I don't want to be an angry, bitter person.
I wish I could paint about the things that are really important. I always paint only what I see. I'm never brave enough or confident in myself enough to shine a light on the gritty, scary, stupid, sad hidden things inside. Nor am I efficient enough to execute any vision I'd have before it fades---any brain children I have always seem to end up still-born. I would I were more prolific.
I got a long message today from a sad man-boy who's lazy-stalked me for a while. He thinks he loves me, but he doesn't unless one is speaking in an everyman-we-are-all-sisters-and-brothers kind of love, but if that's the case he still takes it way too seriously and tries to attach strings to it, which just isn't reasonable at all. He's pretty creepy but I still respond to him when he contacts me, mostly I think because I feel sorry for him but also because his misguidedness angers me. I don't know why. I don't know why I feel compelled to tear him down when he makes mistakes or his thinking is wrong. His life is his own to fuck up. I wish he'd get a therapist already and quit trying to make of me a confessional. I am not a psycho-bitch and I don't want to be and if I repeat it enough it will be true.
I wish I could have a kinkajou. They are so cute and sweet, it seems. But two cats are enough and a kinkajou would be too expensive and not entirely potty-trainable.
Found out recently a couple of my acquaintances/friends are playing with another new acquaintance of mine, which was a little hard, seeing them being all flirtatious with each other, just because I miss that and want that so much. For a while I was trying hard to suppress a surprising envy because I think they're referring to this situation as a polyamorous arrangement.
But while one day it might be that way for them, after I thought about it more, it doesn't really seem that way to me right now since, from what I gathered when conversing with them, they are only having sex not trying to forge a romantic or loving relationship; and because the focus for them is sex and friendship with this other person, not love, it's more of an "open-to-one-person" relationship thing. Then, because poly is about love first and foremost to me, I realized I didn't have reason to be envious, and I felt easier. I want so much more than sex after all. Although sex is great and worthy on its own, I've had enough of only that in my life and I really want the package deal now.
I do go back and forth on that, I admit. But mostly I really want it all and don't feel inclined to be impatient and go for just the sex. I don't really know that anyone could do "just the sex" good enough for me to feel fulfilled with that right now anyway.
Plus I feel uneasy about actively trying to meet guys right now. Either they end up wanting too much of what I don't want or they don't want enough....and I really need to re-figure how to approach the girls. I've been told recently that it's not a good time for love, or even sex. I admit, I kind of resent this because it seems to be the case every time I ask. Maybe I should just quit asking. In any case, I don't think I'm in the mood to waste time on love if I find myself in a situation where I'm obviously moving against the current, but I have too much hope and not enough will to just give up on noticing or pursuing people who interest me.
I'm aware enough of that I'm twisted up inside about a lot of this shit, that I will probably start seeing my own therapist, soon as I can find one. I've just been see-sawing too much, even almost totally missing my period which I can count the number of times that has happened in my life and still have a couple fingers left over.
Overall, some of this may sound conflicted and confused---and that's true--but I'm also fighting the constant impulse to dismiss everything with "it doesn't even matter" like I'm anesthetized and the only thing that can get through is anger or bitterness. I think this is why I favor comedies of late. Netflix keep 'em coming. But I seriously am trying to avoid that Novocaine edge because there lay dragons and I think they're bigger than me.
So there's a lot going on with me internally of late--I've mentioned some of these things in disparate places or to various people recently but here it is all in one place.
This is kind of boring, heavy (and LONG) so--really--if you don't want to know, don't click.
Lately I've been very fascinated with stop-motion animation, particularly the kind employing clay-based puppets. I love how it creates a sense of this other, tangible world, set in miniature. Every little detail is so precious and absorbing. I once toyed with the idea of going into animation but then computer animation became a really big deal and is now almost solely the way to do animation and I find it incredibly tedious. Somehow I think I'd be okay with that meticulousness if I were working with clay puppets--or if I were painting sets or modeling the puppets or building little props. The end result is so...magical. I know everyone says that about animation at some point but it's really true about stop-motion. Maybe this is because it reminds me of my childhood. I've found myself fonder of things that bring me back to my childhood lately...the smell of geranium leaves...I want to buy a potted rose geranium to keep in the living room.
Anyway so I've played with the idea of moving to the Bristol area of England and working for Aardman Animation as a floor sweeper or something, until I can convince them to let me try modeling characters or painting sets. Maybe after some additional schooling. I'm not fond of the idea of living in the UK with its awful weather and worse food and I don't know yet if I actually will or not but...maybe stop-motion can save me. I feel so dead in the water.
I've already mentioned previously my bouts of anxiety and little panic attacks in the last few months. I've started feeling really depressed lately and one of my friends suggested therapy which I will probably follow up on when I can find a suitable therapist, especially since I've been having very outwardly and inwardly destructive thoughts of late. THAT hasn't happened in a long-ass time. There's been such a disconnect in my head. Some vital cog slipping. Like one part of my brain isn't talking to another. I feel something and I can't verbalize it, my body reacts in some way but nothing in my head or environment can really account for it.
I watched Frida last night, which was really uplifting and depressing at the same time. Not that the movie itself is depressing---it's beautiful. I avoided watching it for so long because I was worried they would botch it but they gave it wings. But watching the movie reminded me of so many things I want from life which struck me with inspiration and heartbreak in tandem. I have awful regrets I haven't been able to let go of. I'm afraid they'll emotionally cripple me.
Maybe it's the love or idea of love I can't let go of. I wish I could really get a grip on being my own person again. In the past feels like I've traded pieces of myself for love's sake. Sometimes I wanted to and sometimes I didn't, I just felt I had to. Anyway, once the groovy love is gone, you're only left with a carcass, stitch yourself back together, scab the wounds over, blah blah blah. I feel the seams keenly sometimes. I really empathize with Frida's pain in that sense. I really only need to deal with the accumulated aches of a broken foot, wrist and elbows but the emotional shit needles me every time.
I want to be my own person because I'll never be anyone else's, much as I want to. I don't want to be an angry, bitter person.
I wish I could paint about the things that are really important. I always paint only what I see. I'm never brave enough or confident in myself enough to shine a light on the gritty, scary, stupid, sad hidden things inside. Nor am I efficient enough to execute any vision I'd have before it fades---any brain children I have always seem to end up still-born. I would I were more prolific.
I got a long message today from a sad man-boy who's lazy-stalked me for a while. He thinks he loves me, but he doesn't unless one is speaking in an everyman-we-are-all-sisters-and-brothers kind of love, but if that's the case he still takes it way too seriously and tries to attach strings to it, which just isn't reasonable at all. He's pretty creepy but I still respond to him when he contacts me, mostly I think because I feel sorry for him but also because his misguidedness angers me. I don't know why. I don't know why I feel compelled to tear him down when he makes mistakes or his thinking is wrong. His life is his own to fuck up. I wish he'd get a therapist already and quit trying to make of me a confessional. I am not a psycho-bitch and I don't want to be and if I repeat it enough it will be true.
I wish I could have a kinkajou. They are so cute and sweet, it seems. But two cats are enough and a kinkajou would be too expensive and not entirely potty-trainable.
Found out recently a couple of my acquaintances/friends are playing with another new acquaintance of mine, which was a little hard, seeing them being all flirtatious with each other, just because I miss that and want that so much. For a while I was trying hard to suppress a surprising envy because I think they're referring to this situation as a polyamorous arrangement.
But while one day it might be that way for them, after I thought about it more, it doesn't really seem that way to me right now since, from what I gathered when conversing with them, they are only having sex not trying to forge a romantic or loving relationship; and because the focus for them is sex and friendship with this other person, not love, it's more of an "open-to-one-person" relationship thing. Then, because poly is about love first and foremost to me, I realized I didn't have reason to be envious, and I felt easier. I want so much more than sex after all. Although sex is great and worthy on its own, I've had enough of only that in my life and I really want the package deal now.
I do go back and forth on that, I admit. But mostly I really want it all and don't feel inclined to be impatient and go for just the sex. I don't really know that anyone could do "just the sex" good enough for me to feel fulfilled with that right now anyway.
Plus I feel uneasy about actively trying to meet guys right now. Either they end up wanting too much of what I don't want or they don't want enough....and I really need to re-figure how to approach the girls. I've been told recently that it's not a good time for love, or even sex. I admit, I kind of resent this because it seems to be the case every time I ask. Maybe I should just quit asking. In any case, I don't think I'm in the mood to waste time on love if I find myself in a situation where I'm obviously moving against the current, but I have too much hope and not enough will to just give up on noticing or pursuing people who interest me.
I'm aware enough of that I'm twisted up inside about a lot of this shit, that I will probably start seeing my own therapist, soon as I can find one. I've just been see-sawing too much, even almost totally missing my period which I can count the number of times that has happened in my life and still have a couple fingers left over.
Overall, some of this may sound conflicted and confused---and that's true--but I'm also fighting the constant impulse to dismiss everything with "it doesn't even matter" like I'm anesthetized and the only thing that can get through is anger or bitterness. I think this is why I favor comedies of late. Netflix keep 'em coming. But I seriously am trying to avoid that Novocaine edge because there lay dragons and I think they're bigger than me.