Oh! THIS is what that library dream was talking about
I'm in a slight state of shock. Below accomplishes a sweeping process overview of my emotional evolution in the past year or so.
In a comment to Lucretia here, I just remembered this dream that I didn't know what to do with at the time.
On June 5th, 2008, I had the clearest lucid dream I've ever had. Here's the summary, from the full dream reposted under the cut. This dream occurred in a spate of supercharged spiritual discovery, just a week after coming back from a Portland Art of Living course and visit with lucretiasheart. It's right around when I started backdating half my posts, since I had to write often 6 posts per day for a couple weeks to process everything.
Dream summary--
In the library, having been called over by a girl with an intellectual know-it-all manner, who had been sitting with a number of my "aspects" (representations of parts of me) just a minute ago:
I decided to ask her what's up, why I'm here. Why she's here.
"We thought we would change your scripts, give you a new one."
"Which script, then?"
"Your arrogance-- but more-- your selfishness," she said matter-of-factly.
"Don't you want to know how you'll do it?
"Yeah, how?"
"Mmmm- Letting go, as you know already. But also quit worrying about yourself!! You'll be taken care of. Just take care of others and stuff and you'll be fine."
"...Why?"
"You've got to live your purpose, silly!"
Apparently I tried to apply this directly, but that didn't really do much at the time. My feeling of purpose came out as "To know I'm OK even when I hurt" and "To let myself be comforted in times of distress, accept the attention of others, be OK to cry", which was true at the time -- as I would see very soon with the ground-breaking 45-minute bawling experience after a near-rejection by Brian later that month. But it's not exactly my heart's greatest overall purpose; just something to unblock before the energy would flow anywhere else, it seems.
Welllll... *blink*
Notice my recent developments of purpose, and feeling a natural draw toward not-me-focus... (Admittedly this journal isn't exactly reflective of the shift just yet! I've got to dump and process a bunch of stuff as I am today.)
Anyway, this shift is in light of surviving so many rejection and near-rejection experiences within a couple years, along with new depth and trust of a few relationships, that have cumulatively led me to grow weary of the obsession of my me-focused projects.
I guess I know now what that was about.
~Odyssey
Entire dream I'm referring to, as written afterwards... bold added now.
For the first minute of the dream I wasn't lucid yet.
I walked into my University library, at night, doing the whole card-swipe procedure, although it was unusual that there was a casually dressed librarian old guy guarding the card-swipe, who glanced at my card to approve me before I swiped my way into the door.
Walking inside, I instinctively went to a computer, not knowing why I was there. Before I could log in out of habit, a girl sitting behind me at a round table called me by name, "Oddy!" and beckoned me over. She was maybe 20 years old, cute but very smart with long blond hair, and had an intellectual know-it-all manner. It was as if she were sitting with a group, but the group wasn't there right now. I think I had seen the group when I walked in and passed them, but by the time the girl called my name, they were off getting books or something.
Then I went fully lucid, even slipping out of the dream for a few seconds, and considered waking up and getting going. I wasn't sure how long I had been lying down or sleeping. Then I did a double-take, figured I could spare a couple minutes because this might be important, and dropped back into the dream. (Apparently during deep Kriya I can shift between waking kriya-consciousness and lucid dreamlike states at will, without losing too much connection!?)
I decided to ask her what's up, why I'm here. Why she's here.
"We thought we would change your scripts, give you a new one."
She was referring to my understanding of mental scripts, like superego messages and habitual thoughts and the like.
I noted the use of 'we', and wondered what the others were like. "Why here?"
"Duh, libraries have all the information... Look -- I'm in your mind! I know everything." She smiled girlishly, and showed me her computer screen, hooked into the University Internet, and my life scrolled as a blur of text down the screen. Her attitude and voice reminds me of Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind.
"Which script, then?"
"Your arrogance-- but more-- your selfishness," she said matter-of-factly.
I was taken aback a bit. "OK..." Long pause as I thought nothing in particular, wondering what that meant.
She interrupted, "Don't you want to know how you'll do it?
"Yeah, how?"
"Mmmm- Letting go, as you know already. But also quit worrying about yourself!! You'll be taken care of. Just take care of others and stuff and you'll be fine."
"...Why?"
"You've got to live your purpose, silly!"
More pause on my part.
"...OK, I'm done here," she said casually.
"...Can I review what I talked about with you, before we go? I'm afraid I'll forget."
"OK, sure." And we reviewed these points.
She packed up her computer and walked off, and I let myself wake up... with just enough time to write this down and wait for my ride to the Gita series.
Well, that was different.
In a comment to Lucretia here, I just remembered this dream that I didn't know what to do with at the time.
On June 5th, 2008, I had the clearest lucid dream I've ever had. Here's the summary, from the full dream reposted under the cut. This dream occurred in a spate of supercharged spiritual discovery, just a week after coming back from a Portland Art of Living course and visit with lucretiasheart. It's right around when I started backdating half my posts, since I had to write often 6 posts per day for a couple weeks to process everything.
Dream summary--
In the library, having been called over by a girl with an intellectual know-it-all manner, who had been sitting with a number of my "aspects" (representations of parts of me) just a minute ago:
I decided to ask her what's up, why I'm here. Why she's here.
"We thought we would change your scripts, give you a new one."
"Which script, then?"
"Your arrogance-- but more-- your selfishness," she said matter-of-factly.
"Don't you want to know how you'll do it?
"Yeah, how?"
"Mmmm- Letting go, as you know already. But also quit worrying about yourself!! You'll be taken care of. Just take care of others and stuff and you'll be fine."
"...Why?"
"You've got to live your purpose, silly!"
Apparently I tried to apply this directly, but that didn't really do much at the time. My feeling of purpose came out as "To know I'm OK even when I hurt" and "To let myself be comforted in times of distress, accept the attention of others, be OK to cry", which was true at the time -- as I would see very soon with the ground-breaking 45-minute bawling experience after a near-rejection by Brian later that month. But it's not exactly my heart's greatest overall purpose; just something to unblock before the energy would flow anywhere else, it seems.
Welllll... *blink*
Notice my recent developments of purpose, and feeling a natural draw toward not-me-focus... (Admittedly this journal isn't exactly reflective of the shift just yet! I've got to dump and process a bunch of stuff as I am today.)
Anyway, this shift is in light of surviving so many rejection and near-rejection experiences within a couple years, along with new depth and trust of a few relationships, that have cumulatively led me to grow weary of the obsession of my me-focused projects.
I guess I know now what that was about.
~Odyssey
Entire dream I'm referring to, as written afterwards... bold added now.
For the first minute of the dream I wasn't lucid yet.
I walked into my University library, at night, doing the whole card-swipe procedure, although it was unusual that there was a casually dressed librarian old guy guarding the card-swipe, who glanced at my card to approve me before I swiped my way into the door.
Walking inside, I instinctively went to a computer, not knowing why I was there. Before I could log in out of habit, a girl sitting behind me at a round table called me by name, "Oddy!" and beckoned me over. She was maybe 20 years old, cute but very smart with long blond hair, and had an intellectual know-it-all manner. It was as if she were sitting with a group, but the group wasn't there right now. I think I had seen the group when I walked in and passed them, but by the time the girl called my name, they were off getting books or something.
Then I went fully lucid, even slipping out of the dream for a few seconds, and considered waking up and getting going. I wasn't sure how long I had been lying down or sleeping. Then I did a double-take, figured I could spare a couple minutes because this might be important, and dropped back into the dream. (Apparently during deep Kriya I can shift between waking kriya-consciousness and lucid dreamlike states at will, without losing too much connection!?)
I decided to ask her what's up, why I'm here. Why she's here.
"We thought we would change your scripts, give you a new one."
She was referring to my understanding of mental scripts, like superego messages and habitual thoughts and the like.
I noted the use of 'we', and wondered what the others were like. "Why here?"
"Duh, libraries have all the information... Look -- I'm in your mind! I know everything." She smiled girlishly, and showed me her computer screen, hooked into the University Internet, and my life scrolled as a blur of text down the screen. Her attitude and voice reminds me of Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind.
"Which script, then?"
"Your arrogance-- but more-- your selfishness," she said matter-of-factly.
I was taken aback a bit. "OK..." Long pause as I thought nothing in particular, wondering what that meant.
She interrupted, "Don't you want to know how you'll do it?
"Yeah, how?"
"Mmmm- Letting go, as you know already. But also quit worrying about yourself!! You'll be taken care of. Just take care of others and stuff and you'll be fine."
"...Why?"
"You've got to live your purpose, silly!"
More pause on my part.
"...OK, I'm done here," she said casually.
"...Can I review what I talked about with you, before we go? I'm afraid I'll forget."
"OK, sure." And we reviewed these points.
She packed up her computer and walked off, and I let myself wake up... with just enough time to write this down and wait for my ride to the Gita series.
Well, that was different.