(no subject)
my dad is now a hopeless romantic; beaten down by the stock market. He wears his sadness like a tattoo that he has tried to remove.
my mother has become a showboating anorexic who will seemingly stop at nothing to be 'lovable' for a man she hasn't even met in person yet.
my sister is pregnant with a girl who will be known as the biggest accident in our family, and named after my dead brother.
my oldest brother has become full of pent up solitude and disillusioned sadness and is extremely sensitive to any inquiring of his uncertain actions.
my grandmother has once again become a ridiculous alcoholic who has most assuredly entered dementia and i cant seem to manage to see her without it being Christmas.
and me...im stuck being afraid of a life that I don't want to work for or be a part of and im coasting off of money that was given to me and that i dont deserve one cent of. Ive wasted half a year of my life trying to convince myself that im not already dead. I cant even remember to buy toilet paper.
I came so close to something I want so badly, something that could give this indirection a road home.
my mother has become a showboating anorexic who will seemingly stop at nothing to be 'lovable' for a man she hasn't even met in person yet.
my sister is pregnant with a girl who will be known as the biggest accident in our family, and named after my dead brother.
my oldest brother has become full of pent up solitude and disillusioned sadness and is extremely sensitive to any inquiring of his uncertain actions.
my grandmother has once again become a ridiculous alcoholic who has most assuredly entered dementia and i cant seem to manage to see her without it being Christmas.
and me...im stuck being afraid of a life that I don't want to work for or be a part of and im coasting off of money that was given to me and that i dont deserve one cent of. Ive wasted half a year of my life trying to convince myself that im not already dead. I cant even remember to buy toilet paper.
I came so close to something I want so badly, something that could give this indirection a road home.