(no subject)

[odip_honkey]

freedom. a new 'you' to write to. she told me she liked listening to me read my writings while she held her ear to my chest. it felt like my life started over after hearing that. sometimes it feels like my life will always try fooling me into believing that it is progressing, yet it always winds up back here with my ladened words. I wonder how i will interpret my life now once i have moved on later. that sentence was boring. for once introspection is not my thing. I told my dad that the rolling tobacco was a compromise between his not wanting me to smoke and me being self destructive. i believed that for a little bit even though i went through the whole bag in two days. I had forgotten myself. The faces sitting around me jogged my memory of what it was like to be what i love. Its hard for me to focus on sleeping now if im alone in my bed. I wanted to just get in the car and take her to the beach for a night, someone with such demons troubles me because i cant defeat them. I adore this feeling of being monetary in life, it helps when you need to single out what really gets in your head from what just stands there knocking endlessly on the front door. Im losing track of what i need to and want to be focusing on, i cant tell if i want to allow this to continue. its nice to not give a fuck how your day was. A homeless man that i call Rice whom i often run into at the nearby gas station asked me to keep a number that he would later tell me was his mothers. He said that if i ever found out of anything happening to him to call the number and tell his mother. Ive never felt so honored. He said he thanks god for me because i look him in the eye an shake his hand and give him the respect that any man deserves. he said that he would ask god to bless me. i wonder what thats like. I think she only accelerated the process of my forgetting what its like to always things about her, she wasn't the cause of it. but then again i could be lying to myself to fake some sort of integrity. I wonder what it is going to be like to hang out with you and not always be thinking about what you are thinking or feeling. She woke up in the middle of the night and turned over just to tell me she loved me, she didn't want to hear it back, she just wanted to tell me. the gesture was real. I wish you could come back now just so that i can talk to you as the boy that i am now, you will never get to know the whole of who i am becoming just the start of it. would you be able to see past my horrible shell to see the amazing person i can be? my mother refuses to put up a recent picture of herself up on her new myspace. she is ashamed of how she looks. its amazing how the world can make you build and build and cover up the naked truth of your being. can i still love you if i never think about that love anymore? i am happy, i know this because i dont write down little thoughts i have about you or even better i dont have little thoughts about you. theres nothing to think about, therefore nothing to clog up my mind. a freeing expansion of my being, an unlocking key on a chain wrapped around my neck.

Life is a wonder, and i dont give a fuck anymore whether i am letting it slip by. Disco.