me, juxtaposed
one of my favorite san francisco things:
getting that first glimpse of the bluer-than-blue pacific ocean as you're either walking or driving westward and come up over the last hill. it gets me every time, filling me with that sense of wonder and awe and excitement. the beach! the cliffs! the water that stretches out to infinity! i even find myself wondering how the residents of the city can go about their daily lives, not bursting open with the sheer magnificence of their surroundings.
ahh, my fourth time here and it truly feels like the first...
i want to say, here, and to affirm this with myself, that just because i'm traveling right now doesn't mean that i am happy all the time. it doesn't mean that i'm having fun all the time, or loving every minute of every day. overall, yes, i am happy traveling; i would rather be doing this than staying in one place with no promise of relocating in a few days or weeks. i thrive on exploring new places and constantly presenting myself with newness, or revisiting a treasured destination and having it feel new each time. i've found that i am better traveling alone than with other people, because this way i am forced to figure out everything on my own, without having to depend on the knowledge or skills of someone else, and i therefore develop a greater sense of self-confidence and self-competence.
i am not necessarily an "ideal" traveler, as i'm a horrible planner and feel that organization is going against my very nature. i also find that i'm sleeping too much than i'd like, and constantly yell at myself to get up earlier and earlier, so i have as much of the day as possible to "do" things. i have awful willpower, and often find myself splurging on various unnecessary food items, and manage to convince myself that it's okay because i'm rarely eating full meals (self: i never need to buy cupcakes or french fries, or a soy vanilla latte instead of nutritious food!). just last night, i became extremely pissed off at myself for spending $12 at the girlyman show, on a drink and fries. i had already eaten dinner, and wasn't even hungry. but i was feeling alone, being in a club surrounded by groups of friends and couples, and i felt abnormally self-conscious. so i bought an amaretto sour, because then i wouldn't be just sitting there, looking around me and having nothing to do. and once i started drinking that, i wanted fries to go with it. only after i'd eaten them did i realize that i wouldn't have enough money to take the bus back to my cousin's apartment, and i hated myself for spending that money, for feeling like i couldn't sit there alone. this is something that i will only encounter more and more often, and i need to overcome all of the lame self-doubt and chastisement if i want to have a richer experience (and ha, if i want to have any money left in three months). seriously, i don't know why i can't let the lack of confidence go. i've been to concerts alone before, some of which were the most enjoyable i can remember; i've been out to eat alone, i've spent the majority of my adult life with myself, so why do i need to tell myself to relax and quit imagining what everyone else is thinking about me? ugh, it's such a disdainful feeling, that intense self-awareness and strange social discomfort.
but i have been able to recognize the ways in which i've "grown up", in the traveling sense. i remember a time when i wasn't able to separate my feelings from my surroundings, couldn't enjoy where i was when i was there. on my first trip to italy, as a junior in high school, i was at one of my most depressed points, and i hated myself purely for being so miserable, there. i hadn't yet learned the fine art of allowing my feelings and living with them, while still appreciating everything wonderful around me. and now here i am, several trips (both alone and in the company of others) later. i do hate feeling that i'm "unfixable" in certain ways, and how little i let laughter escape my mouth, but i am *here*. i've left again, and i've loved being in each city/state that i've visited. i push on-- i find things that will interest me, i spend as much time as possible outside...i go out!, because that was a major sacrifice when i was too busy saving up all my money.
to repeat:
i am not perfect. I'M NOT PERFECT!!
i can plan better, i can budget my money, i can get out of bed earlier.
i can work on things.
but i'm not perfect.
i don't have to be happy all the time, no matter where i am.
i can only do the best that i can.
and i am so grateful to be here, in california. i'm grateful for my time in portland, for linda treating me like a daughter in vancouver, for all of my time on the train, for ME!, for making all of this happen.
i did this!
(quit the beating up, okay?)
"to dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet." --charles caleb colton
getting that first glimpse of the bluer-than-blue pacific ocean as you're either walking or driving westward and come up over the last hill. it gets me every time, filling me with that sense of wonder and awe and excitement. the beach! the cliffs! the water that stretches out to infinity! i even find myself wondering how the residents of the city can go about their daily lives, not bursting open with the sheer magnificence of their surroundings.
ahh, my fourth time here and it truly feels like the first...
i want to say, here, and to affirm this with myself, that just because i'm traveling right now doesn't mean that i am happy all the time. it doesn't mean that i'm having fun all the time, or loving every minute of every day. overall, yes, i am happy traveling; i would rather be doing this than staying in one place with no promise of relocating in a few days or weeks. i thrive on exploring new places and constantly presenting myself with newness, or revisiting a treasured destination and having it feel new each time. i've found that i am better traveling alone than with other people, because this way i am forced to figure out everything on my own, without having to depend on the knowledge or skills of someone else, and i therefore develop a greater sense of self-confidence and self-competence.
i am not necessarily an "ideal" traveler, as i'm a horrible planner and feel that organization is going against my very nature. i also find that i'm sleeping too much than i'd like, and constantly yell at myself to get up earlier and earlier, so i have as much of the day as possible to "do" things. i have awful willpower, and often find myself splurging on various unnecessary food items, and manage to convince myself that it's okay because i'm rarely eating full meals (self: i never need to buy cupcakes or french fries, or a soy vanilla latte instead of nutritious food!). just last night, i became extremely pissed off at myself for spending $12 at the girlyman show, on a drink and fries. i had already eaten dinner, and wasn't even hungry. but i was feeling alone, being in a club surrounded by groups of friends and couples, and i felt abnormally self-conscious. so i bought an amaretto sour, because then i wouldn't be just sitting there, looking around me and having nothing to do. and once i started drinking that, i wanted fries to go with it. only after i'd eaten them did i realize that i wouldn't have enough money to take the bus back to my cousin's apartment, and i hated myself for spending that money, for feeling like i couldn't sit there alone. this is something that i will only encounter more and more often, and i need to overcome all of the lame self-doubt and chastisement if i want to have a richer experience (and ha, if i want to have any money left in three months). seriously, i don't know why i can't let the lack of confidence go. i've been to concerts alone before, some of which were the most enjoyable i can remember; i've been out to eat alone, i've spent the majority of my adult life with myself, so why do i need to tell myself to relax and quit imagining what everyone else is thinking about me? ugh, it's such a disdainful feeling, that intense self-awareness and strange social discomfort.
but i have been able to recognize the ways in which i've "grown up", in the traveling sense. i remember a time when i wasn't able to separate my feelings from my surroundings, couldn't enjoy where i was when i was there. on my first trip to italy, as a junior in high school, i was at one of my most depressed points, and i hated myself purely for being so miserable, there. i hadn't yet learned the fine art of allowing my feelings and living with them, while still appreciating everything wonderful around me. and now here i am, several trips (both alone and in the company of others) later. i do hate feeling that i'm "unfixable" in certain ways, and how little i let laughter escape my mouth, but i am *here*. i've left again, and i've loved being in each city/state that i've visited. i push on-- i find things that will interest me, i spend as much time as possible outside...i go out!, because that was a major sacrifice when i was too busy saving up all my money.
to repeat:
i am not perfect. I'M NOT PERFECT!!
i can plan better, i can budget my money, i can get out of bed earlier.
i can work on things.
but i'm not perfect.
i don't have to be happy all the time, no matter where i am.
i can only do the best that i can.
and i am so grateful to be here, in california. i'm grateful for my time in portland, for linda treating me like a daughter in vancouver, for all of my time on the train, for ME!, for making all of this happen.
i did this!
(quit the beating up, okay?)
"to dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet." --charles caleb colton