Hmmm...

[oddlyoddish]

After reading princessxtine 's other blog, I can't help but wonder... is having this journal preventing me from communicating with my boyfriend? I mean... this is a place where I stash my thoughts and vent, but... I don't know if it's stopping me from talking with him. I'm not exactly ready for him to completely just pour over this journal and know my innermost thoughts (though he says he knows that I'm on here, that a friend linked him to it or he found it or something)... If I did give him my username and everything, I'd immediately shell up even more than I normally do. Words would always get stuck in my throat like there is a physical floor there (been there, not fun; it's impossible to talk). Part of me feels like I'm keeping a secret life from him by doing this, but... posting here also gives me freedom. Yeah, I do post secrets here that I'm not quite ready for him to know yet. I do need to tell him what the fucktard did, but I'm not ready for that yet... I'm still scared to communicate with him like I did with the ex. There was awesome communication there and then something happened that I still don't understand and it ended. I'm still terrified that if I open up to him that things will fall through. I was kicked too badly for me to trust like I had before. That fucking pedophile ripped away my innocence when he broke up with me the second time and it nearly killed me. I still have the occasional heart palpitation and sometimes that comes up multiple times a week. The second time... I needed him and he wasn't there. Yeah, he came back the first time we broke up, but that was only because I broke out in spots after a combination of spider bite and bee sting or something. Where my forearm turns to my elbow is still swollen - the only physical marker that I have of our time together, in a manner of speaking.

I hate being weak sometimes. I hate this weakness I have because of what that bastard did to me. I wish I could just overcome this, but I can't. I'm too scared to do it. Because of what that bastard did, I'm terrified to love new people, but I'm even more terrified to lose them. I figure on asking my ex girlfriend if things fall through here, if she can help me move up there with her. I'm still loyal to protecting her, but... Ugh, I don't know. I feel like my feelings are compromised and I don't know why. I hate this confusion! Why did the ex have to do this to me... why...

ugh, I hate playing Virtual Families and having one spouse die... it always makes me feel this way...