Allt sem mig langar í er a∂ mykjast öll a∂ innan endalaust
Blue Valentine through me for a loop. I wasn't expecting it to be so good. I wasn't expecting it to be so raw. So honest. So gut wrenchingly real. I had tickets to see it at Sundance last year and I was running five minutes late and they wouldn't let me into the theater. Because I'm a horrible moviegoer, they wouldn't even refund me the $30 or so dollars I spent on the ticket either. The buses are not so reliable in Park City. But they're free so you can't really complain. And parking near some of the theaters is nearly impossible. I remember I sold an extra ticket for the movie just moments before to some random woman. I feared she was going to ask for a refund from me but she didn't. I wanted to see Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling make love while Grizzly Bear played in the background. All those people in that theater didn't deserve to be there. I deserved to be there. Blue Valentine sounded like everything I ever want from a movie. Drama. Melodrama. A romance that fails miserably. Beautiful shots. An awesome score and soundtrack. There I was standing in the freezing cold one afternoon in Utah, frustrated that I lost out on so much money. Frustrated that I couldn't witness a romantic train wreck. It was probably the movie I was looking forward to most at Sundance.
The trailer was adorable. I must have watched it one-hundred times. But my expectations dropped. For some reason it didn't live up to the hype. The hype I produced in my own head and the hype in the media. It was branded with a NC-17 rating and I got excited again. Movies are never branded with such a rating. Especially movies with actors like Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling. The former, an actress from Dawson's Creek who worked her way through the film industry to become a well-respected actress. I was sold on her in Wendy and Lucy but it wasn't until then that I actually got her. I never thought she really deserved any recognition. Brokeback Mountain was...ick! The latter, I never really understood. Heartthrob? I saw The Notebook years after it was released and it didn't really do much for me. As a movie...or Ryan Gosling as an actor...or Ryan Gosling as a heartthrob. It wasn't until Marc Forster's Stay that I understood his charm and ability. Even Lars and the Real Girl which wasn't a very good movie had its moments because of him (and of course Emily Mortimer).
So, the other night I finally sat down at the Angelika to see Blue Valentine. I really can't stand watching movies there. The subways run underneath it, and the sound of a roaring train while watching a movie pulls your from the screen. But for some reason the trains didn't bother me this time. The trains actually worked in the film's favor. This couple was falling apart and the rumbling was just a reminder of how fragile love can be. From the opening scene until the last I was hooked. I was enthralled with every shot, every piece of dialogue. Ryan Gosling's Dean was charming as fuck. Even when he was balding years later and was raising his daughter with Cindy. The fact that he was raising someone else's daughter as if it were his own was so selfless. I wasn't sure if Cindy was going to tell him about her rendezvous with her jock boyfriend back at home in Pennsylvania. At this point I wasn't sure whose side I was on. Dean's or Cindy's.
The movie cross-cuts between time periods. Juxtaposing the end of a marriage with the endearing beautiful moments in the beginning of a relationship. Love at first sight in a nursing home. Dancing to a song played by Dean himself. Mixtapes, flowers, black eyes, and the pining of a loved one who lives more than a few miles away. Derek Cianfrance really understands relationships. Romantic ones. He's been in love and he has fell out of love. Within Blue Valentine he was able to capture those small moments of intimacy. He was able to depict the emotional struggles Cindy had growing up in a house where her father verbally abused her mother. At one point she wonders when her parents fell out of love. Did it happen just after she was born? She asks her grandmother about love and when did she know that she fell for her grandfather. Her grandmother with nothing left to lose, honestly tells her that she was never in love with him. But Cindy reads her romance novels in the nursing home. She's reading a particular chapter that is rather erotic, but the text refuses to use words like breasts and cock and it sounds really awkward. But her grandmother makes her stop and demands a cigarette. Cindy attempts to trivialize her need for one but her grandmother is adamant about it and Cindy gives in. Earlier in the film, Cindy wants to be a doctor. Fast-forward a few years and she's only a nurse in rural Pennsylvania only getting promotions because the doctor she works with has fallen for her. She realizes this in one particular scene and it's devastating.
The entire movie is devastating. I had tears falling from my eyes every five minutes or so. Happy tears and very sad ones. I'm not sure I can blame the movie for all my tears. I've been rather emotional as of late. Some might say I'm "on the rag." I also think it has something to do with weaning myself off of my antidepressant. And by weaning, I mean I never made an appointment with my psychiatrist and I ran out of my prescription. Not the best idea I ever had. But I actually don't feel so stunted, so dull. I actually feel things. I like feeling. I like feeling emotions...even if they are melancholy ones. Yes, I've been crying to episodes of Queer as Folk. Yes I was tearing up during Easy A. And yes, I was crying to YouTube videos about "texting and driving." I'm not ashamed. They are not always sad tears either. I was crying during Blue Valentine when Dean showed up to Cindy's house with flowers and a mixtape. They were in her bedroom making out and put on "their song" and he was whispering the words to her while he was on top of her. A few years later he plays that same song in the "Future Room" in some sex motel and they awkwardly slow dance to it. At that point, Cindy had fallen out of love for Dean. She had enough of his drinking. She had enough of him playing guitar and acting as a child. The boy she fell for never really changed. He never really grew up and she resented him for it. Resentment was all over the place. Dean had to beg for affection from her. Her daughter even begged along with him. She felt as if she deserved better. Dean never wanted anything more than her. He works as a painter to have the life he has. He never wanted to be married. He never wanted kids but he sacrificed his art, he sacrificed his life for them but she failed to see it that way.
At this point, I'm still unsure who to blame, or if blame should even be placed at all. It was a love that went sour. Went cold. There's always someone more in love than the other person. A few sentences prior I got a little personal during my "review" of the movie. But that is what good movies do. They explore the human condition. They explore elusive things like love, death, and life. Blue Valentine depicts the brutality of love. It illustrates the negative aspects of sharing a life with someone. The casualties are endless. We hold on to things for the sake of the children. We hold on to things because we don't think we can do better. Resentment creeps into the dark crevices of our insecurities. We start getting annoyed by our loved ones. We begin to hate the way they chew their food or the way they always hang their jacket on the wrong hook. We watch Hollywood movies that depict perfect marriages. Or Hollywood depicts imperfections as something unique. But the imperfections are never really serious. It might be a stutter, or he was a nerd in high school. But the romances always end well. Happy endings should die a horrible death. It's never the case here in the real world, in these brutal winter months in the city. Most of us are flooded with ideals about how things should be. But if you're Dean...the romance never has to fade. Alcohol can be consumed to soften the blows by your cold wife. But she views your drinking as a crutch. She sees you drinking and hates you for it. She doesn't realize she was the cause of it. Cindy is following in her parent's footsteps. But she's more her father than her mother. The man she seems to fear most. We find it so impossible to break free from our parents. We are victims (or products) of our upbringings. But we have choices. Cindy never gave Dean a chance to get better. Dean loves her enough to change. He might not have a PHD. He might not be the jock from college that impregnated her. But you knew she was different when you see her turning the wheels of her wheelchair. She's not hurt. She's doing research. Her boyfriend, or the boy she was fucking even calls her weird. Cindy is weird. She is different and that's why she fell for Dean because he is a romantic. He doesn't share the ideals of her jock boyfriend or her father. She doesn't realize this. She's been so conditioned to feel a certain way about who she is and what she should want that she becomes resentful. She resents her husband. She resents the relationship he has with her daughter. The last scene, like most of the others is heartbreaking. The editing is pitch perfect. The cross-cutting happens more and more with each frame. Juxtaposing happiness with tragedy. Dean is walking away while fireworks are being lit on the street. Smoke filling up the frame with tiny bursts of colors though the thick fog. Grizzly Bear is playing in the background and those awkward harmonies are bursting with each firework. The melody is traveling through the smoke and it feels so right. You wonder what will happen next and it's unbearable to imagine so you stop thinking and take in the beauty of the colors and smoke until the credits start rolling.
Song I have been listening to on repeat while writing this: Antony & The Johnsons- Fletta (ft. Bjork)
Click to viewThe trailer was adorable. I must have watched it one-hundred times. But my expectations dropped. For some reason it didn't live up to the hype. The hype I produced in my own head and the hype in the media. It was branded with a NC-17 rating and I got excited again. Movies are never branded with such a rating. Especially movies with actors like Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling. The former, an actress from Dawson's Creek who worked her way through the film industry to become a well-respected actress. I was sold on her in Wendy and Lucy but it wasn't until then that I actually got her. I never thought she really deserved any recognition. Brokeback Mountain was...ick! The latter, I never really understood. Heartthrob? I saw The Notebook years after it was released and it didn't really do much for me. As a movie...or Ryan Gosling as an actor...or Ryan Gosling as a heartthrob. It wasn't until Marc Forster's Stay that I understood his charm and ability. Even Lars and the Real Girl which wasn't a very good movie had its moments because of him (and of course Emily Mortimer).
So, the other night I finally sat down at the Angelika to see Blue Valentine. I really can't stand watching movies there. The subways run underneath it, and the sound of a roaring train while watching a movie pulls your from the screen. But for some reason the trains didn't bother me this time. The trains actually worked in the film's favor. This couple was falling apart and the rumbling was just a reminder of how fragile love can be. From the opening scene until the last I was hooked. I was enthralled with every shot, every piece of dialogue. Ryan Gosling's Dean was charming as fuck. Even when he was balding years later and was raising his daughter with Cindy. The fact that he was raising someone else's daughter as if it were his own was so selfless. I wasn't sure if Cindy was going to tell him about her rendezvous with her jock boyfriend back at home in Pennsylvania. At this point I wasn't sure whose side I was on. Dean's or Cindy's.
The movie cross-cuts between time periods. Juxtaposing the end of a marriage with the endearing beautiful moments in the beginning of a relationship. Love at first sight in a nursing home. Dancing to a song played by Dean himself. Mixtapes, flowers, black eyes, and the pining of a loved one who lives more than a few miles away. Derek Cianfrance really understands relationships. Romantic ones. He's been in love and he has fell out of love. Within Blue Valentine he was able to capture those small moments of intimacy. He was able to depict the emotional struggles Cindy had growing up in a house where her father verbally abused her mother. At one point she wonders when her parents fell out of love. Did it happen just after she was born? She asks her grandmother about love and when did she know that she fell for her grandfather. Her grandmother with nothing left to lose, honestly tells her that she was never in love with him. But Cindy reads her romance novels in the nursing home. She's reading a particular chapter that is rather erotic, but the text refuses to use words like breasts and cock and it sounds really awkward. But her grandmother makes her stop and demands a cigarette. Cindy attempts to trivialize her need for one but her grandmother is adamant about it and Cindy gives in. Earlier in the film, Cindy wants to be a doctor. Fast-forward a few years and she's only a nurse in rural Pennsylvania only getting promotions because the doctor she works with has fallen for her. She realizes this in one particular scene and it's devastating.
The entire movie is devastating. I had tears falling from my eyes every five minutes or so. Happy tears and very sad ones. I'm not sure I can blame the movie for all my tears. I've been rather emotional as of late. Some might say I'm "on the rag." I also think it has something to do with weaning myself off of my antidepressant. And by weaning, I mean I never made an appointment with my psychiatrist and I ran out of my prescription. Not the best idea I ever had. But I actually don't feel so stunted, so dull. I actually feel things. I like feeling. I like feeling emotions...even if they are melancholy ones. Yes, I've been crying to episodes of Queer as Folk. Yes I was tearing up during Easy A. And yes, I was crying to YouTube videos about "texting and driving." I'm not ashamed. They are not always sad tears either. I was crying during Blue Valentine when Dean showed up to Cindy's house with flowers and a mixtape. They were in her bedroom making out and put on "their song" and he was whispering the words to her while he was on top of her. A few years later he plays that same song in the "Future Room" in some sex motel and they awkwardly slow dance to it. At that point, Cindy had fallen out of love for Dean. She had enough of his drinking. She had enough of him playing guitar and acting as a child. The boy she fell for never really changed. He never really grew up and she resented him for it. Resentment was all over the place. Dean had to beg for affection from her. Her daughter even begged along with him. She felt as if she deserved better. Dean never wanted anything more than her. He works as a painter to have the life he has. He never wanted to be married. He never wanted kids but he sacrificed his art, he sacrificed his life for them but she failed to see it that way.
At this point, I'm still unsure who to blame, or if blame should even be placed at all. It was a love that went sour. Went cold. There's always someone more in love than the other person. A few sentences prior I got a little personal during my "review" of the movie. But that is what good movies do. They explore the human condition. They explore elusive things like love, death, and life. Blue Valentine depicts the brutality of love. It illustrates the negative aspects of sharing a life with someone. The casualties are endless. We hold on to things for the sake of the children. We hold on to things because we don't think we can do better. Resentment creeps into the dark crevices of our insecurities. We start getting annoyed by our loved ones. We begin to hate the way they chew their food or the way they always hang their jacket on the wrong hook. We watch Hollywood movies that depict perfect marriages. Or Hollywood depicts imperfections as something unique. But the imperfections are never really serious. It might be a stutter, or he was a nerd in high school. But the romances always end well. Happy endings should die a horrible death. It's never the case here in the real world, in these brutal winter months in the city. Most of us are flooded with ideals about how things should be. But if you're Dean...the romance never has to fade. Alcohol can be consumed to soften the blows by your cold wife. But she views your drinking as a crutch. She sees you drinking and hates you for it. She doesn't realize she was the cause of it. Cindy is following in her parent's footsteps. But she's more her father than her mother. The man she seems to fear most. We find it so impossible to break free from our parents. We are victims (or products) of our upbringings. But we have choices. Cindy never gave Dean a chance to get better. Dean loves her enough to change. He might not have a PHD. He might not be the jock from college that impregnated her. But you knew she was different when you see her turning the wheels of her wheelchair. She's not hurt. She's doing research. Her boyfriend, or the boy she was fucking even calls her weird. Cindy is weird. She is different and that's why she fell for Dean because he is a romantic. He doesn't share the ideals of her jock boyfriend or her father. She doesn't realize this. She's been so conditioned to feel a certain way about who she is and what she should want that she becomes resentful. She resents her husband. She resents the relationship he has with her daughter. The last scene, like most of the others is heartbreaking. The editing is pitch perfect. The cross-cutting happens more and more with each frame. Juxtaposing happiness with tragedy. Dean is walking away while fireworks are being lit on the street. Smoke filling up the frame with tiny bursts of colors though the thick fog. Grizzly Bear is playing in the background and those awkward harmonies are bursting with each firework. The melody is traveling through the smoke and it feels so right. You wonder what will happen next and it's unbearable to imagine so you stop thinking and take in the beauty of the colors and smoke until the credits start rolling.
Song I have been listening to on repeat while writing this: Antony & The Johnsons- Fletta (ft. Bjork)