Rewind
So, I've been watching a lot of Adventure Time lately. It's a good show that hides darkness behind a bright, funny action world. I like when there's hidden darkness in what's meant to be a comedy or kid's show, so it really appeals to me. I especially like the Ice King, who sort of reminds me of Insano for a lot of reasons. Mainly that he's a funny fail!villain whose schemes never work because he's defeated by a young hero with a cool hat. And that he seems mentally disturbed, but this was always played for laughs, so it's hard to think a lot about it when you're watching.
Then I saw the episode that revealed his backstory.
So sad. So very sad. I just want to give him a hug and try to make things better for him, even though it seems to be impossible at this point. Poor Ice King.
Then I thought, what if Insano's backstory were actually like the Ice King's. And I got inspired to write this. Insano does have a multiple choice past, so here's another depressing one for him. It's strongly based on what happened in Adventure Time, so there are sort-of spoilers for that series. I hope you enjoy.
Insano was puttering around in his closet, looking for a spare lab coat now that his current one more closely resembled an artist’s rag rather than an item of clothing, when he reached up and felt a strange wooden item on the top shelf.
“What in Tesla’s name is this?” Insano wondered as he pulled the item down for closer inspection. It appeared to be a small hope chest that had obviously seen better days and was fastened with a bronze lock. Insano traced his fingers over the worn wood as his lips twisted into a frown.
“Who could have left this in my room? Spoony? No, he never lets any of his truly valuable things near me. Nurse rarely leaves anything here either, and it couldn’t belong to my son, so who’s blasted chest is this?”
His fingers continued to trace meaningless patterns over the wood as Insano turned the box over in his hands until they glided over two letters which had been crudely carved into the bottom.
“WS? What could that-”
Insano’s question turned into a howl of agony as pain flooded his mind. He dropped the chest onto his bed and clutched at his head, whimpering slightly at the aching sensation that made it feel as if his skull could split open at any moment.
“Wh-what… what is this?”
Staggering slightly, Insano forced himself to sit down and closed his eyes, waiting for whatever this was to subside. Eventually it did, the pain receding slowly until it vanished all at once. Insano’s breathing sputtered as he turned his goggle-protected eyes to the chest once more.
“You… you’re some kind of cursed magical item, aren’t you? How dare you invade this house of science?” Insano stood, feeling enraged, and pulled open a drawer before pulling out a strange, metallic object. “I will find out what disgusting magical contents you hold and destroy them!”
Insano pointed the metallic object at the chest and pressed a button. A buzzing sound filled the air before the lock snapped into two pieces and fell onto the bedspread.
“Ha ha! Victory is again within my grasp!”
Not wanting to touch the chest again, Insano used his lock destroyer to gingerly lift the lid. His frown returned once he saw the contents of the chest.
“A video cassette? Who on Earth still watches films on these?”
Dropping the device, Insano plucked the tape up and pondered its condition. Unlike the container it’d been stored in, the cassette seemed to be in good condition. It also seemed to be nothing more than an ordinary tape, but Insano knew better to judge objects by appearance alone.
“You’re probably going to brainwash me the second I try to watch you,” he told the tape in an accusatory tone. “But I’m much too brilliant to fall for that!”
After fetching Spoony’s old VCR and connecting it to his television, Insano adjusted the settings on his trusty goggles to ensure he could not fall victim to any curses or mental tricks. Smiling triumphantly, Insano slipped the tape into the player, sat down on his bed, and pressed play.
There were a few moments of snowy static before the first images appeared. A young man with dark, messy hair, glasses, and a goofy smile waved happily at the screen. He was dressed in brown suit with shiny loafers and a black bow tie, and seemed to be standing in a tidy bedroom.
“Oh, uh, hello! I’m just testing out my new video camera before the trip,” the man spoke in a slightly squeaky, somehow familiar voice. “I suppose it’s doing fine, so Marcahuasi here we come!” He giggled then before reaching toward the screen, which quickly returned to its static-y state.
A moment later, the screen brightened as the man appeared again, though this time he seemed to be standing in some sort of large tent and he wasn’t alone.
“So, uh, we’ve finally made it,” he said, still smiling in that goofy manner. “Peru is proving to be an even more beautiful country than I’ve imagined and the crew is in high spirits. I hope this is a sign that tomorrow’s dig is going to go off without a hitch.”
“Like, introduce yourself, okay?” a woman with a mess of blonde hair and a playful smile of her own said to the man. “No one will know about your totally brilliant self if you don’t tell them who you are, baby.”
“Oh, right, of course,” he said quickly responded, his cheeks slightly pink now. “I-I am Wayne Schlumper-”
“Doctor Wayne Schlumper,” a young man with short brown hair and glasses similar to Wayne’s added quickly.
“Oscar, shush!” Blushing more now, Wayne turned back to the camera. “Uh, yes, I am Dr. Wayne Schlumper, an archaeologist who has been lucky enough to be chosen to participate in this exciting expedition here in the Andes Mountains.”
“God, Wayne, stop selling yourself short,” the woman said as she pushed forward to speak directly into the camera herself. “Wayne’s not only a participant, he’s the frigging leader of this whole thing! Because he’s like a total genius, you know, and the best archaeologist to ever live!”
“N-now really, that isn’t at all true,” Wayne stammered, his whole face beet red.
“He’s just being modest,” the man called Oscar said as he also moved forward to wave at the camera. “No one would know that better than me, his brother, Dr. Oscar Schlumper.”
“Oh, is that so?” the woman asked, shooting Oscar a slight glare.
“W-well, of course not better than his own wife,” Oscar said, giggling nervously under the woman’s gaze. “Of course you know him best, Spoonette!”
“For sure,” Spoonette said before turning her sights to the camera again. “So like, after Wayne digs up all the bones and statues and junk they’re looking for, we’re totally going to Hawaii! It’ll be like a second honeymoon and it is going to rock!”
“Yes, quite right, darling,” Wayne said again, moving to slip an arm around her waist. “I just hope this expedition isn’t a total bust, like the last one.”
“Don’t be so pessimistic,” Oscar said with a slight frown as he reached out to pat his brother’s shoulder. “We have good reason to believe that we’ll find something here, Wayne. Just keep your confidence up and I’m sure luck will be on our side. We’ll make the discovery of a lifetime, I can just feel it!”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it, sweetie,” Spoonette said, laying her head down to rest on Wayne’s shoulder. “Even if you don’t find anything, you’ll still totally be the best archaeologist ever.”
“Thank you, both of you,” Wayne said, his voice growing soft. “I don’t know what I’d ever do without you in my life.” He bent down to kiss Spoonette before his goofy smile returned. “Now come on, I think I smell dinner, and you know how this crew can eat.”
More static followed until a new image of Wayne appeared. He still seemed to be standing in the tent, but it was much darker this time.
“Okay, it’s really late, almost midnight,” he whispered into the camera. “We’ve been in Peru a week and even though we haven’t found much on the dig, I think I’ve finally uncovered that discovery of a lifetime! Take a look!”
Wayne lifted a familiar chest into view and opened its lid. “I was just going for a walk to refill my water bottle from a nearby creek when I spotted this beauty crammed inside a crevice on the side of the mountain. It was just wedged in there, for who knows how long, waiting to be discovered. And look at what I’ve found inside!”
Wayne pulled out a few small items made of stone. “If I’m not mistaken, these were most likely carved thousands of years ago. The museum is going to flip when I show them these! Not to mention my team, Oscar, and Spoonette.” He giggled again as he set the carvings down before something else inside the box caught his attention.
“Oh, what’s this?” Wayne reached his hand in and pulled out a very strange item indeed. It was a pair of black protective goggles and the lenses, instead of being a clear material, were covered with silver swirls. Wayne’s lips pursed as he set down the chest and turned the goggles over in his hands. “How peculiar. These goggles… how could they have gotten into the chest? They don’t seem at all to have originated here in Peru, or any of South America really. They don’t even seem to be in any way old… I can’t even tell what substance this is.” Wayne tapped the lenses, his frown deepening. “Not glass, not plastic, not stone or metal… what the devil are these made from?”
His eyebrows suddenly shot up. “D-don’t tell me I’ve found an entirely new type of material? Or perhaps, a material that once existed but was lost to time until now? Could that be it? Have I really made such a significant scientific discovery?”
Growing excited, Wayne carefully laid the carvings back inside the chest before removing his glasses and slipping on the goggles.
“I know! I’ll show everyone the chest while wearing these! They’ll be so excited by the carvings I bet they won’t even notice my new eyewear and when they do, I’ll reveal that it is the true discovery! What a laugh we’ll all share then!”
Wayne giggled again as he reached to shut off the camera, but this time the squeaky giggle came out a bit more manic than it usually sounded.
Another moment of static before the tent made its reappearance. Wayne once more stood before the camera, although his goofy smile was now replaced by a concerned expression.
“Wayne here, on day eight of our expedition. Things are, uh, a little strained at the moment. I don’t really know why, though. I thought things were going splendidly. Hours ago, I brought out my discovery to show the crew. They were ecstatic, just as I expected, and even moreso when they saw these.”
Wayne picked up the goggles then and flashed them before the camera.
“They all wanted to examine them, also as I expected, but for some strange reason I felt unwilling to take them off my face. Almost as if it would hurt me were I to remove them. I know that’s patently ridiculous, I know that. But for some reason that thought… it wouldn’t leave my mind.” Wayne’s grip on the goggles tightened. “I started to feel angry when they suggested I remove them. Like they belonged on my face, belonged to me. I started to say as much to my crew… but for some reason my words changed. Instead of explaining how I felt, I insulted them and cursed at them… I felt like I would even go so far as to attack anyone who tried to take my precious…”
Wayne trailed off and shook his head. “No, no, that’s wrong. They’re not precious to me! They’re only goggles! Ones that should be shared with the world so we can study exactly what they are and why they were made. Now I…” Wayne looked down. “I must go out and apologize to my crew. I don’t know why I said what I did, but nevertheless I must apologize.”
Wayne reached for the camera again, his grip on the goggles tighter than ever.
When the picture returned, Wayne was there, paler than before, hair mussed and bowtie askew. He trembled slightly.
“I-I don’t know what’s happening to me,” he said in a whispered voice which quavered with every word he spoke. “I don’t know what’s wrong… but something’s very wrong with me. I felt this compulsion to put them on again… not for long, just a minute should be enough, I thought. But when I did, it all started. The visions.”
Wayne stopped to swallow thickly and wiped the sweat from his brow.
“I-I fought with them. Shouted at them, desperate to make them vanish, until I realized it wasn’t me, it was the goggles! I-I quickly took them off, and saw Spoonette in front of me… looking at me with such contempt, such hatred…” Wayne shuddered, his shoulders sagging. “I’ve never seen that look from her before. What did I say? I-I can’t remember it, none of it.” His hands tightened into fists. “No one else was there, so no one else can tell me… what I’d done when I wore these goggles. Spoonette won’t talk to me, won’t let me apologize. So I must offer it to you instead.”
Wayne peered into the lens tearfully. “Please, Spoonette, forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I would rather hurt myself than hurt you. So please, let me make it up to you. I’ll do anything.”
Another round of static before Wayne returned. He was standing in his bedroom once more, expression haggard, eyes wildly roving from side to side. The goggles now sat perched atop his head.
“I can see them all the time now,” he said in an eerie tone before giving off a manic burst of giggles. “The visions, they’re here, they’re all around me! Whether or not I wear the goggles, I can truly see for the first time!” Wayne brought his hands together and rubbed them, almost as if he were cold.
“But I see better when I put them on! The goggles show me the secrets… the secrets of science! The secrets of how to survive once everything ends!” Wayne giggled again, sounding rather deranged now. “So wear them I must! Why can’t they see? Oscar and the others… they keep trying to take them from me… but I won’t let them! I don’t need them! I don’t need anyone… not anyone… not her… not Sp… Spoonette?”
Wayne’s eyes came back into focus before filling with tears. He collapsed to his knees and started to sob.
“Spoonette… where are you? Why did you leave me? I love you… I love you so much… please. Please come back!”
He cried for several minutes before the tape’s static cut him off. There were several long moments of snow before the final scene began to play.
Wayne was dressed in a white lab coat over blue scrubs. A stethoscope hung from his neck and the goggles rested fitfully over his eyes.
“This universe will end,” he cackled as he lifted a knife into the air. “And when it does, I will have the power to escape before it’s over!” Wayne slammed the knife into the bottom of the chest and carved out his initials. “I will have the power to cross dimensions and go to where SCIENCE most needs me!”
Wayne suddenly dropped the knife and pointed one finger accusingly into the camera. “You... you cannot hide from me any longer. I will come. I will search every universe until I find you… I will find you, Spoonette!”
After saying her name, however, Wayne dropped to his knees and clutched at his head. “Agh! No!” He screamed painfully and shook his head, as if something had latched onto his scalp and he was trying to remove it.
“No, please,” he said, voice normal once more, tears trickling down his cheek. “Please, I’m so scared… I-I’m starting to lose my memory… it’s becoming too painful to remember. Oscar, Spoonette, please, please forgive me… my mind is changing but I’m too far gone to know what to do… no one can fix me.” He took a shuddering breath and looked up into the lens.
“I-I want people to know that if I do things… if I do things that hurt anyone, please forgive me. I don’t want to hurt anyone… I just need to escape from this labyrinth in my b-brain!”
Wayne howled again, tugging at his hair so hard it seemed like he might pull it out.
“And then maybe you’ll love me again… please, love me again, Sp… Spoon… aghhh!”
Wayne collapsed. His body lay motionless on the carpet for a long while. Then the tape shut off.
Insano stared blankly at the screen, hands folded neatly in his lap, mouth for once closed. He sat and thought about what he’d just observed. Then he burst into laughter.
“D-did you see what that nerd was wearing?’ he squeaked out in between chuckles. “A bow tie and loafers? What, was the argyle sweater with the cat patterns too expensive? And archaeology? Oh yes, a whole study devoted to playing around in the dirt. What a brilliant use of the government’s money! Once I take over this world, the first thing I’ll eliminate will be-”
Insano trailed off when he felt the drops of water hit his hands. He stared down at the wet spots on his skin curiously before bringing his fingers up to his cheeks. They were damp. Insano frowned and quickly realized he could no longer see clearly.
“W-what’s wrong with these things?” he asked, irritated, as he snatched the goggles from his face. “If they’ve sprung another leak, I swear I’m going to make something explode!”
Insano fell silent when he realized the source of the water was not his goggles at all. He rubbed his watery eyes and blinked, trying to clear his vision.
“How peculiar. I wonder why I... oh, it must be my allergies acting up again. Yes, quite right. C-curse the high pollen count. Now, what was I doing… oh, that’s right, looking for a new coat!”
Intent on completing his mission, Insano started to whistle a jaunty tune as he got off his bed. His mind was perfectly at ease now, peaceful and content enough that he didn’t really notice as he rewound the tape, placed it back into the chest, repaired the lock with a press of the button on the other end of the lock destroyer, and stuck it back up on the shelf.
Where it would sit until the next time he stumbled upon it.