[fic post] If You Never Fight, You'll Never Win
So yeah. Been missing in action since Monday. Somehow I caught strep throat, so I didn't want to eat/drink anything 'cause my throat hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep for two days, and I nearly collapsed each time I tried to get out of bed. Turns out I was severely dehydrated, which means I now have to carry water with me everywhere. If my friend hadn'
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[And even if someone thinks he didn't get what he wanted, in the end, whatever he didn't get he probably didn't want in the first place.]
That is Kyouya in a nutshell. He's exceptionally smart, and the best part is...everyone else will believe that he didn't want it in the first place, too.
[Kyouya didn't want her, so he didn't lose her. He didn't even try, he reminds himself.]
Powerful words here. I like that you make it so obvious that he's convincing himself. Or rather, trying to convince himself.
[But he still has to fight to ignore the coppery taste in his mouth as he unclenches his jaw, releasing his tongue, and watch her back as she walks away.I love this last line. I only have one critique, and I'm sorry I can't help more, but here goes ( ... )
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As for the last line, I realize that I have a tendency to make unnecessarily complex sentences that sometimes need a reread or two to be certain you know what you're reading. I'm working on it, I swear, lol. "Watch" shouldn't be changed to "watches," because it's in the same tense as the first clause (forgive me if I'm using the term correctly; it's been years since I last used grammar terms, which is a little sad, lol). To clarify, here's what I meant:
"But he still has to fight to ignore the coppery taste in his mouth and watch her back as she walks away."
If I took out the "unclenches his jaw, releasing his tongue", detail, that's how it would read. I hope that made it clearer. >wI'm pretty sure Kyouya is the ensemble dark horse of the main cast. People either ( ... )
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And I totally understand what you meant, now. Thanks for clarifying. Haha, and don't mind me... I could probably learn more from everyone else than the other way around. Back when I was in high school, we pretty much watched movies in English class and everyone passed with an A+ for doing absolutely nothing except some silly, easy, non-English (really) related exam. (Like writing your own version of The Canterbury Tales...yeah, most people finished that in less than an hour and got A+'s all year long.) In short, I learned absolutely nothing, and I only know of things like prepositions and pronouns. I honestly have no idea what they are ( ... )
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~~~subtle~~~
I had actually also noted that last sentence and assumed there was some minor grammatical error, and I also now understand what you were actually going for and that it is way better than what I thought you were going for. Therefore I have a suggestion: add that idea of "still has to" into the final clause, so we know that you're resuming the pre-fighting-the-taste clause and not continuing it. ...I'm really hoping that I've worded that in a sensical manner.
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Yeah, I figured that the last sentence would confuse people. But I'd already posted it and didn't know if changing it would send me over the 500 word limit, (and I'm incredibly lazy), so I left it. Glad I could clarify for the two of you tho'. >w<;; And that made complete sense to me, actually, lol. I'll be sure to try and make it clearer next time. C:
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