It's been a rough week
I haven't been posting a lot this week, mostly my brain is full of jumbled thoughts.
I've been sleeping at odd time, and not well. Tossing and turning with ugly sweats. Part of it was finishing the last work rotation in sheer exhaustion, part of it has been the season - fall is not a good time for me - winter is coming and I am sooooooooooooo not ready for it to be here yet, a lot of it is Eric's sudden death, and a lot of it is my own fears.
I went to bed last night - I was tired enough to actually sleep, and I thought I was ok, but then ended up spending an hour crying myself to sleep. Over fears. Deep painful fear. I won't say I don't cry easily - I do - I wear my emotions very close to the surface - what I don't do is let other people see the tears. I don't dare appear weak or needy, and it frightens me when I do. Being scared or needy was never something that was allowed. So I don't like how needy I've been lately - I can't help but figure eventually the people who care about me are just going to get tired and frustrated with it and tell me to 'buck up', and leave me to deal with it.
It doesn't help that this week has been pretty unproductive. I've got a small pile of projects on my desk right now - stuff I really wanted to get to. Some of them have deadlines on Monday that I probably won't meet. The only people who will actually notice I've failed - again - at something of course will be me. But I DO notice. And I hate it, I hate that with all this stuff hanging over my head here I've not gotten anything done this week. Mostly I've eaten, slept and walked.... pretty basic stuff - but it seems to be taking all my available energy at the moment. I'm gonna try and do a little catch up today - but it means I won't be walking today.
Christmas scares me. And in an odd way, Eric's death has only hightened that fear. Gods, I do miss him. He was someone I could talk to about these times, and he understood - understood being afraid and moving forward anyway. Understood needing and feeling weak wasn't the same thing as being weak. I miss my guy more than words can even begin to express, and I'm looking forward to Christmas like a beacon of light in a dark time. But its also important enough to me, that there's a LOT of emotional 'stuff' tied up there. I love Australia, I've loved my visits there, I am so damned happy there. But it's also not 'REAL', it's a dream, a vacation from my tired little life here, a vacation from the job, and the weather, and feeling 'stuck', and waiting for my life to begin. It's a little taste of the life I want, the life that is the REAL me, but it's not mine yet. It's just a dream. Hell it's not even a promise. Just a wisp of a 'might be', maybe some day, if the stars turn on their axis just the right way. Fate has a habit of taking those things away from me. And it scares me silly.... how badly I want this, and yet there's nothing really tangible about it. If it all fell apart tomorrow. If something catastrophic happened, and tomorrow it was all gone - what do I have to show that it was ever real? Would the world have any grasp of my pain? No - it would be 'just another silly internet romance'. And if something did happen, all I'd be able to do is watch helplessly from 9000 miles away - and somehow try to cope. And I'm sacred of once again - spoiling what should be a wonderful, special, magical time, with my silly little emotional turmoil, and trying to reconcile the what I haves with the what I wants and what I only get for 6 weeks of the year.
I know I'm going to be ok, I know I'm just struggling with outside forces affecting my mood. I know I'm just a bit tired and overwhelmed right now - but the best way to feel better is to get a grip and get something done. Of course that's the hardest thing to do right now. I'll be alright - I've been here before. Hell I've faced catastrophy before - and I always come out of it OK, tired and scarred but OK. I'm not as tough as I look. But I'm not as weak as I seem either.
More conundrums from the Ocean's Edge.
I've been sleeping at odd time, and not well. Tossing and turning with ugly sweats. Part of it was finishing the last work rotation in sheer exhaustion, part of it has been the season - fall is not a good time for me - winter is coming and I am sooooooooooooo not ready for it to be here yet, a lot of it is Eric's sudden death, and a lot of it is my own fears.
I went to bed last night - I was tired enough to actually sleep, and I thought I was ok, but then ended up spending an hour crying myself to sleep. Over fears. Deep painful fear. I won't say I don't cry easily - I do - I wear my emotions very close to the surface - what I don't do is let other people see the tears. I don't dare appear weak or needy, and it frightens me when I do. Being scared or needy was never something that was allowed. So I don't like how needy I've been lately - I can't help but figure eventually the people who care about me are just going to get tired and frustrated with it and tell me to 'buck up', and leave me to deal with it.
It doesn't help that this week has been pretty unproductive. I've got a small pile of projects on my desk right now - stuff I really wanted to get to. Some of them have deadlines on Monday that I probably won't meet. The only people who will actually notice I've failed - again - at something of course will be me. But I DO notice. And I hate it, I hate that with all this stuff hanging over my head here I've not gotten anything done this week. Mostly I've eaten, slept and walked.... pretty basic stuff - but it seems to be taking all my available energy at the moment. I'm gonna try and do a little catch up today - but it means I won't be walking today.
Christmas scares me. And in an odd way, Eric's death has only hightened that fear. Gods, I do miss him. He was someone I could talk to about these times, and he understood - understood being afraid and moving forward anyway. Understood needing and feeling weak wasn't the same thing as being weak. I miss my guy more than words can even begin to express, and I'm looking forward to Christmas like a beacon of light in a dark time. But its also important enough to me, that there's a LOT of emotional 'stuff' tied up there. I love Australia, I've loved my visits there, I am so damned happy there. But it's also not 'REAL', it's a dream, a vacation from my tired little life here, a vacation from the job, and the weather, and feeling 'stuck', and waiting for my life to begin. It's a little taste of the life I want, the life that is the REAL me, but it's not mine yet. It's just a dream. Hell it's not even a promise. Just a wisp of a 'might be', maybe some day, if the stars turn on their axis just the right way. Fate has a habit of taking those things away from me. And it scares me silly.... how badly I want this, and yet there's nothing really tangible about it. If it all fell apart tomorrow. If something catastrophic happened, and tomorrow it was all gone - what do I have to show that it was ever real? Would the world have any grasp of my pain? No - it would be 'just another silly internet romance'. And if something did happen, all I'd be able to do is watch helplessly from 9000 miles away - and somehow try to cope. And I'm sacred of once again - spoiling what should be a wonderful, special, magical time, with my silly little emotional turmoil, and trying to reconcile the what I haves with the what I wants and what I only get for 6 weeks of the year.
I know I'm going to be ok, I know I'm just struggling with outside forces affecting my mood. I know I'm just a bit tired and overwhelmed right now - but the best way to feel better is to get a grip and get something done. Of course that's the hardest thing to do right now. I'll be alright - I've been here before. Hell I've faced catastrophy before - and I always come out of it OK, tired and scarred but OK. I'm not as tough as I look. But I'm not as weak as I seem either.
More conundrums from the Ocean's Edge.