I regret not keeping a journal in my youth, because I've learned that memories are our most valuable asset. I created my LiveJournal on 2003-01-13 and have kept a detailed record of events since then. Lately I've fallen behind - I'm as busy as ever, and I've had a lot on my mind. When the wheels are turning hard, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and I'm not sure where to start.
Tosha and I started dating officially on Valentine's Day. Before we started dating, Tosha brought warmth and light to my heart - but my life had not been short of inspiration, and I had other options. Ashlie was mine, and she is amazing, but life with her would have been more complicated than I hoped for - making our future work would not be easy.
To be clear, Tosha didn't “win”... she inadvertently motivated me to carefully evaluate the situation with Ashlie, which drove me to recognize that a future with her would not be functional. I came to this conclusion by writing a list of pros and cons. I carefully considered the output, and as much as it hurt to admit, I decided that I would not be happy or completely satisfied in a future with her at my side. It would not have been a healthy, mutually supportive relationship.
Here is the list precisely as I wrote it. I must disclaim that it may not necessarily be complete.
Pros
- Intelligent.
- Supportive.
- Thoughtful.
- Capable of conversation.
- Cultured.
- Adult maturity (steady job, work experience, realistic goals).
- Brought closer by strong presence of shared experience (history).
- Admits to possessing natural human traits (like superficiality).
- Amazing, undeniable chemical attraction.
- Flawless sexual compatibility - is very adventurous and like-minded.
Cons
- Cannot bear children.
- Taller than me.
- Genetic disposition to weight gain proportionate to age.
- Poor stress management has created an array of serious health problems. Possibility that this may snowball with age.
- Needlessly tortures self with guilt.
- Does not believe she deserves me; may cause her to subconsciously push or otherwise threaten the relationship.
- Emotionally dependent; may not be prepared to support me in a time of need, though rare it may be.
- Unstable reaction to trauma and stress.
- Relationship has prevailed so far primarily by account of my patience.
- Poor choice in friends; surrounded by drama; creates drama.
- Real relationship will not succeed until circumstances change dramatically; distance kills progression, and having so little time together promotes feelings of insecurity and emotional distance on both sides. A healthy relationship feeds and thrives on shared experiences, and if we're too far apart to be an integral part of each other's lives, it may become an obstacle too strong to overcome.
To try and build a future with Tosha was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, because it meant abandoning all hope with Ashlie. It meant cutting my losses for the sake of a healthy future, without regard to my heart's complete disagreement. Now the choice is made and I know things between us will never be the same. I have lost a friend, a lover, and a partner. This wound will never completely heal... but I have to stay positive and in particularly difficult moments, remind myself of why I made the decision in the first place.
I feel selfish and cruel - and I am. After all we've shared together, and after everything I've helped her through, I could have never imagined I'd be the one to break her heart. We had planned a life together, and in one fell swoop, I lifted and dropped that future vision from the heavens to shatter on the bleeding earth below. She may never believe it, but I love her now and always will. I wish her the best in her future. I just hope one day she understands why that future cannot be with me.
I'm excited by the prospect of a future with Tosha. I haven't known her for long, but we've spent nearly every day together since we met. I don't get sick of her, I don't get angry or frustrated with her, and since we're completely comfortable, we always have something to talk about. There's nothing we “aren't ready for” - we have already earned a strong sense of mutual trust. We have similar interests, but different skill sets. We have so much to show and teach, and we compliment each other perfectly.
I absolutely love her family, and they seem to have taken to me rather well. All of my friends seem to like her so far. The only three negative points I can think of right now are 1) I'm not especially fond of her friends; from what I have seen so far most of them are superficial and immature, 2) she tends to speak without thinking and often doesn't consider the consequences for her actions until it's too late, and 3) I'm jealous and a little insecure - I think I'm worried that she'll lose interest, leave me for someone else, and I'll be left alone (since I've pretty much burned my bridges). I need to find a healthy way to deal with this or eventually it'll surface in a way that may make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. To be clear, I haven't been possessive or overprotective - I just feel a strong tug at my heart when she talks about her past and how close she's been with other people. It hurts to imagine her feeling that way with others, and makes me feel less special.
She's insecure and damaged, but honestly I see that as more a pro, depending on how it's demonstrated. Some people hide behind their past, but for the most part she's used hers to grow and learn. I admire how sane she is for what she's been through. She's strong in ways most people aren't and is very independent. She's cultured and intelligent, but also humble and eager to learn. Her genetics are favorable and she wants children. Physically we're a perfect fit. She's everything I want in a woman. I mean it.