(no subject)
So it's been a while since I last posted here, and there really hasn't been a reason to. Things between my angel and I are.....complicated still, but we are both so happy and the good far outweighs the bad. I just need to grow the fuck up already and accept certain things about the situation I'm currently in. My job sucks beyond bearing, and I'm doing everything I can think of to remedy that. I just can't take it anymore, so much so that I risked my job today just to stay away from it by calling off. I just don't care about that place anymore, and realistically it can't provide for the family Liz and I are planning, and I can't let her down anymore. There's nothing worthwhile about that job anymore, I have no real friends there. Spencer's changed a lot since he came back, Amber's gone, and that's about it. It's so lonely there. It's so lonely anywhere, actually, except when I'm with her. Suzanne's gone too, her presence nonexistent at this point. She claims she's visiting soon, but that's already fell through once. Without Liz, I am truly alone. I haven't spoken to Britney in months, and Lisa seems too consumed in her own personal turmoil for me to bother her with mine. Both Amber and Suzanne have offered their respective ears if ever I have need, but Suzanne's absent and the status of the friendship with Amber at this point is so......quiet that it doesn't seem right to confide in her anymore. We barely even txt, let alone speak. She left, and to be quite honest, I don't find myself missing her as much as I thought I would. That's not to say that I don't, but her silence speaks more than anything, as mine does as well I suppose. I have only my angel, and it's been that way for a while. That's not a bad thing, under normal circumstances. Thing is, being the strong one is even more difficult than it sounds. She needs me, and I need her. She's just more.....on edge it seems than even I can claim to be. She's on the brink more often than anyone should be, let alone the only woman I've ever really loved, at least the way I love her. And there's just so much potential there that it's frustating when she gives up on herself as often (though not easily) as she's been forced to. She's been through a lot, been hurt a lot, and been asked to deal with so much so often, it's a wonder and a blessing that she's still able to trust anyone, let alone me, let alone to the extent she does. It's not complete, her trust, but there are precious few things that are in this world. Which makes it so hard, so painful that I am unable to return her trust in the same way I return her love. She's fucked up, repeatedly, but how long can I really hold that against her. It feels like I'm punishing her, and, despite her protestations to the contrary, she really doesn't deserve that. I was unsatisfactory in some way, unworthy of her. I honestly believe that, and I'm trying to remedy whatever it was that made her stray, made her treat me like she did. That's where the growing up comes in. She swears up and down that it wasn't my fault, and I think she honestly believes that, or rather she believes that she believes that. Something had to be lacking, otherwise it was just plain cruelty, and she is not like that, whatever her claims. Just hope she knows that I love her with all I am, and am working and trying so hard to get past my own immature shortcomings. It was our eleventh month anniversary yesterday, and I couldn't even talk to her. I'm so alone now, I just want to hear her voice, to tell her I love her. I love you angel, always and forever.