Me on How I Am In Relationships, 2013:
What do I actively resist? Shitty as I know it sounds, in romantic contexts I actively resist knowing my partner too well, too vulnerably, and I resist being known very well in return.
I don't want someone to be vulnerable with me, as a monogamous partner, because it gives me too much responsibility. I do not want to be responsible for another person's emotional well-being. I do not want to be put on some pedestal by a romantic partner as their confidant, their saint, valued as some perfect illusion of a person who isn't me. No pedestals. We're just people.
I do not want to know things about another person that no one else knows when I'm obligated to... well, basically, I just don't want romantic partners to rely on me too much for their well-being. I'm not reliable. Our relationship is probably not that meaningful, and it's going to end sooner rather than later. I don't want to be responsible. I don't want someone to feel a loss when I'm not there anymore, or too much pain when I suck, or hurt too badly when I leave. I don't want people to need me.
I respond badly to attempts at forging emotional intimacy from romantic partners. Attempts to forge intimacy in that context rub me the wrong way completely. I get angry that people have vulnerabilities, and that they're so foolish or pathetic or blinded by affection that they'll trust someone else-- some random other person who, really, could be anyone-- with sensitive parts of themselves.
I get frustrated with the roles people try and make me fill. I don't want to reciprocate. I get really angry because I try and understand my partner’s character (just how I am; I like to try and know what makes people tick), and usually I can see how they'll betray exactly the closeness that they're trying to elicit, down the line.
I can see the betrayal coming, and I know how it'll happen typically. I can't share intimacies when I KNOW that these people, sometimes in spite of being really uniquely good people, possess personality traits that will cause them to try and hurt me once we break up, or once I fuck up in some casual betrayal. Which I will, and sometimes do deliberately to keep expectations low.
Usually they won't do it in the form of Kill Words, but there's some serious attempt to hurt you coming, and coming from this person who's looking at you with that emotion in her/his eyes. That emotion is a lie. All they need to betray it is a fuck up by me and a lack of desire to restrain themselves. I guess I just can't trust in the authenticity of the relationship, and I like people less when I think they lie to themselves. I definitely respect them less.
I don't want someone to be vulnerable with me, as a monogamous partner, because it gives me too much responsibility. I do not want to be responsible for another person's emotional well-being. I do not want to be put on some pedestal by a romantic partner as their confidant, their saint, valued as some perfect illusion of a person who isn't me. No pedestals. We're just people.
I do not want to know things about another person that no one else knows when I'm obligated to... well, basically, I just don't want romantic partners to rely on me too much for their well-being. I'm not reliable. Our relationship is probably not that meaningful, and it's going to end sooner rather than later. I don't want to be responsible. I don't want someone to feel a loss when I'm not there anymore, or too much pain when I suck, or hurt too badly when I leave. I don't want people to need me.
I respond badly to attempts at forging emotional intimacy from romantic partners. Attempts to forge intimacy in that context rub me the wrong way completely. I get angry that people have vulnerabilities, and that they're so foolish or pathetic or blinded by affection that they'll trust someone else-- some random other person who, really, could be anyone-- with sensitive parts of themselves.
I get frustrated with the roles people try and make me fill. I don't want to reciprocate. I get really angry because I try and understand my partner’s character (just how I am; I like to try and know what makes people tick), and usually I can see how they'll betray exactly the closeness that they're trying to elicit, down the line.
I can see the betrayal coming, and I know how it'll happen typically. I can't share intimacies when I KNOW that these people, sometimes in spite of being really uniquely good people, possess personality traits that will cause them to try and hurt me once we break up, or once I fuck up in some casual betrayal. Which I will, and sometimes do deliberately to keep expectations low.
Usually they won't do it in the form of Kill Words, but there's some serious attempt to hurt you coming, and coming from this person who's looking at you with that emotion in her/his eyes. That emotion is a lie. All they need to betray it is a fuck up by me and a lack of desire to restrain themselves. I guess I just can't trust in the authenticity of the relationship, and I like people less when I think they lie to themselves. I definitely respect them less.