My obsession is...
My pleasure, my pain...
It started a little before June 2001 I think. A friend of mine convinced me to join a message board and enter a roleplaying forum with him. At first it was a bit confusing, I had a lot of reading to catch up on in it. But I posted my character along with my friend, and soon the mod posted a friendly (and rather hyper) welcome.
So I got into the game and it was going quite well, soon we tried to make a little chat for it (where you go to a website and its like a chatroom, sorry I'm not good on my technical terms). I went to this and met the people, we all talked and it was fine. Soon afterwards I started getting in contact with the people from this message board on aim, one in particular seemed rather nice to me and quite interested, the moderator (although he didn't really act like a mod).
We talked lots, he seemed really interested in finding out about me and was a really likable person. After sometime I started to get the hint that he liked me, judging from his behaviour. Now at this time I liked someone else, so, for his sake, (I'll call him M for Mod, go away paranoia), I pretended to not notice Ms advances and pretty much acted like I was a bit thick when it came to noticing these things. But, gradually I started to like him too, he'd grown on me quite a bit. So I gave in and returned his attention.
Now, at this point in my life, I'm really at a loss as to whether I should have given in or not, the way life goes for me it seems like it would have been better for both of us if I hadn't given in.
Wegot along fine, all cutesy, originally a lot of our conversations had been very random. I like randomness, he seemed quite fascinated by this and wanted to learn off me about it. We started to develop our own sort of cute way of talking to each other, also with the usual hugs and such, this progressed to typing to each other without using spaces (which also made it more difficult for nosey people nearby to read anything), which was sort of another little quirk of our relationship. Hes a writer, and would write me poems or songs or share stories, and I like to draw, so I'd draw him pictures in return.
At this point I can use foresight, I didn't know this at the time, but soon after another girl came into the picture, and he found himself split between the two of us. Thankfully, he stuck with me at the time, but mainly I think because I was the only one who was, and had ever, returned his attention, wheras this girl almost always ignored and was uninterested in him.
I can't remember if it was at this point, or after the second girl, but when we were hugcuddling (in text, another thing to note about our relationship, I live near australia, he in the US, thats quite a distance), he started to get heart pains. I don't know why he got them, or what they were, I'm not sure if he does either, we looked for all sorts of solutions to them, physical, spiritual, mental, but couldn't find anything. They only seemed to come when he was (text) hugging me... And to this day he still gets them, only with me.
I think the heart pain started after the second girl.
So, a girl joined the message board, she was bouncey and happy, anyway, she did something that I thought was quite ridiculous, and no one seemed to do anything about it, being the moderator, I mentioned this to M, and even he didn't do anything about it. I got quite annoyed at this, so I just went offline for about two weeks.
Oh what a mess I found when I came back... My explination was that my dad had a firewall that blocked all net access, which he had, but had only used it for about one day. I came back to find q few distressed journal entries of his... one saying he found himself going more and more to this new girl for attention (this was around december of that year now). Now came a large and lengthy string of conversations and struggles to keep him, or actually, I just said he could go to her if he wanted and that I'd be fine with the memories I have. He was split between me and this second girl now, and, this time she loved him to. Although she did do something I find very unnice of her, he made a journal entry expressing his feelings, which another board member interpreted correctly, and then she went and completly denied any feelings for him publically... making him seem like a fool, while she pretended it was someone else she liked, yet kept going on at him in conversations and friends only entries to him.
Well, due to my rather rejected, depressed manner of dealing with this, he chose me for some reasonand stuck with me. Wecontinued as usual, although I don't think it was ever very much the same, he had betrayed me, the one person I'd put all of my trust into, and it wouldn't be the last time.
There was one bboard member, the one who had figured things out, he has a very, lets say, overbearing personality, and rather suspect. He made me extrememely paranoid, he would say one thing to you, yet utter all sorts of other things behind your back. It was because of him that I began my journal-switching habit, I was so paranoid that I got to the stage that I just wanted to run (I get to that stage, and sometimes I'll just seem to completly vannish, I have done that before, one day I may seem fine, and then I'm gone when things get too out of hand). I also wanted M to run with me, but lethargy and apatheticness had crept in, he didn't really seem to see how distrubed I was by this bored member, but he didn't seem to care much either... He wouldn't switch his journal, and so I was still stuck with a chance of being found through his journal.
I'll give him credit, he did try, through his heart pain, he did still try to hug and comfort me, and he tried to do things for me. But the apathy and lethargy seemed to be growing and increasing their hold on him. He says now that it might be because I always seem to have something wrong with me, and that (the distance being what it is) he feels so helpless to do anything about it. I found this rather unfair, considering I can't really help the fact that I get hurt lots, and I only told him because he seemed to (at least when I first met him anyway) want to know everything that was happening to me. So now I only tell him the bare minimum, when he askes me how I am I usually just say alright no matter what my day has been like, and I rarely say if anything if wrong mentally or physically. This somewhat deadens me.
We had plans, he was going to come over here to uni, I was going to organise it so we could go flatting with a few of my friends, everything was going to be fine, I dared even hope his heart pain might stop if we met in person, that perhaps it was longing over the distance, of not being able to do anything.
Through our relationships all sorts of various little things had cropped up, and I had accepted everything in him, I had accepted the way he was, whatever he had done, everything.
We decided to try and tone down the hugs because of his heart pain, I wanted to do anything I could to help him, I sent him a lock of my hair, perhaps a hint of my that he could touch might help? But he didn't seem to really care at all about that, it didn't make anywhere near the big difference I had hoped for. As you can imagine, I was getting a bit distressed now, I was trying everything I could, but nothing seemed to work.
Then, November 2002, the very month of my birth, I think he started to get a little distant, he would make private journal entries, and didn't seem very able to muster the will to even make me a present, eventually he managed to send something off, but I think it took a lot of effort, and he never sent me a lock of hair in return, not even a strand, which I would have really liked.
It was around this time that number 3 came along, and, for I don't know whos sake, I'll nicely describe her as very sexually active and, as she calls herself, touch addicted (that is, anyone, not staying to her own boyfriend). This girl was Ms friends girlfriend, they all went to the cinemas, and she went and touched M, just couldn't keep her hands to herself or stick to her own boyfriend, oh no, she had to go and ruin my life. I won't denny that I hold a very deep and seething hatred for her because of this, taking away the one person I loved more than anything from me.
So, guess what? Suddenly, he doesn't love me, he loves her instead, because she touched him, and I can't do a damned thing about it because I live on the other side of the world.
I was a little upset, to say the very, very least. I couldn't eat for quite a while afterwards, then when I did start eating again, it was only by forcing myself to, I had completly lost my appetite, I hated myself, I was extremely depressed and down, I felt like I was loosing my mind, going mad. Thats what happens when it seems your world is falling down all around you. Everything I'd every hoped for, dreamed, was now gone, taken from my grasp as easy as that.
After he'd told me about her he said he'd like a rest from talking with me for a while, and said he didn't know when we'd talk again, he changed from the screen name that only I know to onw she knew, when he told me that he stopped using the method of speech we used, and became very cold and distant. Apaparently he would rather talk to her than me.
This was a really hard time for me, I'd been used to talking to him everyday for over a year now, I'd been used to having him there, caring for me, asking me how I was, someone I could tell my real feelings to. And now it was gone. I felt very unstable mentally, I soon found out he'd given her a journal, I found her journal, and found that he'd told that [something unnice] all about our relationship, a complete stranger to me, and from that she'd drawn her own conclusions and attempted to analyse me, and liken me to herself.
I was furious to say the least, I went into that cold, calculated type of rage and made replies to any entries she made about me, corrected her way off assumptions. Now, I'd tried to keep a fairly open mind about her, but I couldn't help but come to the conclusion that she clearly wasn't very intelligent from her responses, I got the feeling that she wasn't even reading my comments when she replied to them, then I lated found out she does some quite unmentionable things, I couldn't help words like 'slut' coming into my mind.
After sometime, with me ranting in my journal, going quite bonkers over deprivation of my love, he started talking to me, still in a very distant and cold manner. Twice we talked on the phone, first time was nice, second failed because I'm such a [something unnice] at talking on the phone and always manage to screw everything up.
I'd asked for another chance lots, he'd said he just didn't know lots, he'd given me cause for hope and then swiped them from my grasp lots as well.
Now, we talk alright, he seems to lack almost any interest in me at all, I would say that I'm probably more an inconvieniance. He says he feels guilty over me, that after the second girl he refell in love with me out of pity. I guess what hurts the most is that he isn't even trying, he isn't even giving me one hint of effort to try again. Hes just given up.
I am obsessed though, as I said. So, all through this year I've been saving like mad, I still have one last glint of hope. I'm going to pay for an airfare for him to come here in the coming break, and I really do hope that it will change things. Because when it comes down to it, people can become very impresonal over computers, and its so much easier to treat someone like rubbish in text rather than to their face. I hope something happens, I hope like mad my luck changes in just this one thing.
Of course another downer for me if that he is going to the same uni as girl 3, this is a purpose thing, a few more daggers in my heart is that hes joined verious online dating things to try and find someone else. When I still don't even consider us over, I don't want to be an 'x'.
I am completly and totally obsessed with him, I used to think of him everyday, now I stop myself from thinking of him for fear of jinxing my future. I would do absolutly anything, I would go through anything for him.
Lots of people have told me to move on and find someone else, but that serves only to really irritate me, even he says it, he used to understand, the concept of one person you love more than anyone else, one person you will always love. I really wish people would relise that to, that there is no one else for me, that I want no one else. I only want him, I will only ever want him. I will never get over it. I will forgive him anything, and accept anything in him, if only I could just be with him.
I've been to the point of suicide and completly hated myself because my life lacks all meaning without him.
Sorry that was a bit angsty and such, but it really helped to get it out. I still live on that tiny speck of hope.
So, anyway, I'm new, just thought I'd explain my obsession and the lengths it goes to.
It started a little before June 2001 I think. A friend of mine convinced me to join a message board and enter a roleplaying forum with him. At first it was a bit confusing, I had a lot of reading to catch up on in it. But I posted my character along with my friend, and soon the mod posted a friendly (and rather hyper) welcome.
So I got into the game and it was going quite well, soon we tried to make a little chat for it (where you go to a website and its like a chatroom, sorry I'm not good on my technical terms). I went to this and met the people, we all talked and it was fine. Soon afterwards I started getting in contact with the people from this message board on aim, one in particular seemed rather nice to me and quite interested, the moderator (although he didn't really act like a mod).
We talked lots, he seemed really interested in finding out about me and was a really likable person. After sometime I started to get the hint that he liked me, judging from his behaviour. Now at this time I liked someone else, so, for his sake, (I'll call him M for Mod, go away paranoia), I pretended to not notice Ms advances and pretty much acted like I was a bit thick when it came to noticing these things. But, gradually I started to like him too, he'd grown on me quite a bit. So I gave in and returned his attention.
Now, at this point in my life, I'm really at a loss as to whether I should have given in or not, the way life goes for me it seems like it would have been better for both of us if I hadn't given in.
Wegot along fine, all cutesy, originally a lot of our conversations had been very random. I like randomness, he seemed quite fascinated by this and wanted to learn off me about it. We started to develop our own sort of cute way of talking to each other, also with the usual hugs and such, this progressed to typing to each other without using spaces (which also made it more difficult for nosey people nearby to read anything), which was sort of another little quirk of our relationship. Hes a writer, and would write me poems or songs or share stories, and I like to draw, so I'd draw him pictures in return.
At this point I can use foresight, I didn't know this at the time, but soon after another girl came into the picture, and he found himself split between the two of us. Thankfully, he stuck with me at the time, but mainly I think because I was the only one who was, and had ever, returned his attention, wheras this girl almost always ignored and was uninterested in him.
I can't remember if it was at this point, or after the second girl, but when we were hugcuddling (in text, another thing to note about our relationship, I live near australia, he in the US, thats quite a distance), he started to get heart pains. I don't know why he got them, or what they were, I'm not sure if he does either, we looked for all sorts of solutions to them, physical, spiritual, mental, but couldn't find anything. They only seemed to come when he was (text) hugging me... And to this day he still gets them, only with me.
I think the heart pain started after the second girl.
So, a girl joined the message board, she was bouncey and happy, anyway, she did something that I thought was quite ridiculous, and no one seemed to do anything about it, being the moderator, I mentioned this to M, and even he didn't do anything about it. I got quite annoyed at this, so I just went offline for about two weeks.
Oh what a mess I found when I came back... My explination was that my dad had a firewall that blocked all net access, which he had, but had only used it for about one day. I came back to find q few distressed journal entries of his... one saying he found himself going more and more to this new girl for attention (this was around december of that year now). Now came a large and lengthy string of conversations and struggles to keep him, or actually, I just said he could go to her if he wanted and that I'd be fine with the memories I have. He was split between me and this second girl now, and, this time she loved him to. Although she did do something I find very unnice of her, he made a journal entry expressing his feelings, which another board member interpreted correctly, and then she went and completly denied any feelings for him publically... making him seem like a fool, while she pretended it was someone else she liked, yet kept going on at him in conversations and friends only entries to him.
Well, due to my rather rejected, depressed manner of dealing with this, he chose me for some reasonand stuck with me. Wecontinued as usual, although I don't think it was ever very much the same, he had betrayed me, the one person I'd put all of my trust into, and it wouldn't be the last time.
There was one bboard member, the one who had figured things out, he has a very, lets say, overbearing personality, and rather suspect. He made me extrememely paranoid, he would say one thing to you, yet utter all sorts of other things behind your back. It was because of him that I began my journal-switching habit, I was so paranoid that I got to the stage that I just wanted to run (I get to that stage, and sometimes I'll just seem to completly vannish, I have done that before, one day I may seem fine, and then I'm gone when things get too out of hand). I also wanted M to run with me, but lethargy and apatheticness had crept in, he didn't really seem to see how distrubed I was by this bored member, but he didn't seem to care much either... He wouldn't switch his journal, and so I was still stuck with a chance of being found through his journal.
I'll give him credit, he did try, through his heart pain, he did still try to hug and comfort me, and he tried to do things for me. But the apathy and lethargy seemed to be growing and increasing their hold on him. He says now that it might be because I always seem to have something wrong with me, and that (the distance being what it is) he feels so helpless to do anything about it. I found this rather unfair, considering I can't really help the fact that I get hurt lots, and I only told him because he seemed to (at least when I first met him anyway) want to know everything that was happening to me. So now I only tell him the bare minimum, when he askes me how I am I usually just say alright no matter what my day has been like, and I rarely say if anything if wrong mentally or physically. This somewhat deadens me.
We had plans, he was going to come over here to uni, I was going to organise it so we could go flatting with a few of my friends, everything was going to be fine, I dared even hope his heart pain might stop if we met in person, that perhaps it was longing over the distance, of not being able to do anything.
Through our relationships all sorts of various little things had cropped up, and I had accepted everything in him, I had accepted the way he was, whatever he had done, everything.
We decided to try and tone down the hugs because of his heart pain, I wanted to do anything I could to help him, I sent him a lock of my hair, perhaps a hint of my that he could touch might help? But he didn't seem to really care at all about that, it didn't make anywhere near the big difference I had hoped for. As you can imagine, I was getting a bit distressed now, I was trying everything I could, but nothing seemed to work.
Then, November 2002, the very month of my birth, I think he started to get a little distant, he would make private journal entries, and didn't seem very able to muster the will to even make me a present, eventually he managed to send something off, but I think it took a lot of effort, and he never sent me a lock of hair in return, not even a strand, which I would have really liked.
It was around this time that number 3 came along, and, for I don't know whos sake, I'll nicely describe her as very sexually active and, as she calls herself, touch addicted (that is, anyone, not staying to her own boyfriend). This girl was Ms friends girlfriend, they all went to the cinemas, and she went and touched M, just couldn't keep her hands to herself or stick to her own boyfriend, oh no, she had to go and ruin my life. I won't denny that I hold a very deep and seething hatred for her because of this, taking away the one person I loved more than anything from me.
So, guess what? Suddenly, he doesn't love me, he loves her instead, because she touched him, and I can't do a damned thing about it because I live on the other side of the world.
I was a little upset, to say the very, very least. I couldn't eat for quite a while afterwards, then when I did start eating again, it was only by forcing myself to, I had completly lost my appetite, I hated myself, I was extremely depressed and down, I felt like I was loosing my mind, going mad. Thats what happens when it seems your world is falling down all around you. Everything I'd every hoped for, dreamed, was now gone, taken from my grasp as easy as that.
After he'd told me about her he said he'd like a rest from talking with me for a while, and said he didn't know when we'd talk again, he changed from the screen name that only I know to onw she knew, when he told me that he stopped using the method of speech we used, and became very cold and distant. Apaparently he would rather talk to her than me.
This was a really hard time for me, I'd been used to talking to him everyday for over a year now, I'd been used to having him there, caring for me, asking me how I was, someone I could tell my real feelings to. And now it was gone. I felt very unstable mentally, I soon found out he'd given her a journal, I found her journal, and found that he'd told that [something unnice] all about our relationship, a complete stranger to me, and from that she'd drawn her own conclusions and attempted to analyse me, and liken me to herself.
I was furious to say the least, I went into that cold, calculated type of rage and made replies to any entries she made about me, corrected her way off assumptions. Now, I'd tried to keep a fairly open mind about her, but I couldn't help but come to the conclusion that she clearly wasn't very intelligent from her responses, I got the feeling that she wasn't even reading my comments when she replied to them, then I lated found out she does some quite unmentionable things, I couldn't help words like 'slut' coming into my mind.
After sometime, with me ranting in my journal, going quite bonkers over deprivation of my love, he started talking to me, still in a very distant and cold manner. Twice we talked on the phone, first time was nice, second failed because I'm such a [something unnice] at talking on the phone and always manage to screw everything up.
I'd asked for another chance lots, he'd said he just didn't know lots, he'd given me cause for hope and then swiped them from my grasp lots as well.
Now, we talk alright, he seems to lack almost any interest in me at all, I would say that I'm probably more an inconvieniance. He says he feels guilty over me, that after the second girl he refell in love with me out of pity. I guess what hurts the most is that he isn't even trying, he isn't even giving me one hint of effort to try again. Hes just given up.
I am obsessed though, as I said. So, all through this year I've been saving like mad, I still have one last glint of hope. I'm going to pay for an airfare for him to come here in the coming break, and I really do hope that it will change things. Because when it comes down to it, people can become very impresonal over computers, and its so much easier to treat someone like rubbish in text rather than to their face. I hope something happens, I hope like mad my luck changes in just this one thing.
Of course another downer for me if that he is going to the same uni as girl 3, this is a purpose thing, a few more daggers in my heart is that hes joined verious online dating things to try and find someone else. When I still don't even consider us over, I don't want to be an 'x'.
I am completly and totally obsessed with him, I used to think of him everyday, now I stop myself from thinking of him for fear of jinxing my future. I would do absolutly anything, I would go through anything for him.
Lots of people have told me to move on and find someone else, but that serves only to really irritate me, even he says it, he used to understand, the concept of one person you love more than anyone else, one person you will always love. I really wish people would relise that to, that there is no one else for me, that I want no one else. I only want him, I will only ever want him. I will never get over it. I will forgive him anything, and accept anything in him, if only I could just be with him.
I've been to the point of suicide and completly hated myself because my life lacks all meaning without him.
Sorry that was a bit angsty and such, but it really helped to get it out. I still live on that tiny speck of hope.
So, anyway, I'm new, just thought I'd explain my obsession and the lengths it goes to.