so today was actually a really decent day until I called my mum
this always fucking happens. its like the universe doesn't want me to be happy. i don't fucking understand it.
it was a good day. i got some stuff done. important stuff, that needed doing. I went for lunch with DB and we had Thai food and then cake and instead of going to the library we came back to my place. DB and I get along really well. There was a really shit moment when we were walking past Tesco in town and I saw LS, ELG and CdS gathering, and they'd obviously planned to gather there, because they just love each other so much. For anyone who doesn't know, LS lives in the room beside mine. CdS lives in the next flat. They'd planned to meet up, and they hadn't told me. These are the lil bitches I lived with last year, right. I was really upset. I was on the verge of emailing LS (the little fucking BITCH) all the emails I've received from CdS and ES about her, every single on slagging her off for being super involved in her boyfriend. She's always pissed me off a bit, and this pisses me off even more, because they can slag her off one minute and invite her out the next and not invite me when I shared my heart and soul with them and it makes me so angry I can't see straight. DB got me out of it. She calmed me down and distracted me and took me out for cake. I still want to go to LS in the kitchen and be like, "so did you have a nice outing in town today?" just to make things really horrendously awkward for her, because she's the type who gets squeamish. I want to be a massive bitch to her, because she's obviously not made a good impression on this flat, and anyone worth hanging out with doesn't really want to hang out with her. That dampened my spirits, for no good reason, because even if they'd invited me to their little tete-a-tete, I'd had been like hell no. Ugh. Whatever. Anyway. So we went back to my place to work.
My legal frontiers guy really fucked up and I only have five days to prep a debate for monday and it's 20% of the grade so I'm really stressed about that, and I also have a tutorial on monday which needs doing, so I've got a lot of stuff on my plate. I have no food in my fridge (nothing, not a single thing) but i'm managing, i'm handling it. I'm just working on my debate, which is really fucking important, and yeah. okay. so today I finally got the script done, got DB to look through it, and I'm ready to start verbalizing it and memorising it tomorrow. I also managed to finish the tutorial, even if it's super shoddy work.
MT's old friends have come up from all over the country to visit her, and in the evening I thought I'd go and say hi. One of the girls has got a training contract at a pretty good firm, and she just graduated last year, and she had a similar dissertation thesis to mine so I was getting some advice about interviews and applications and stuff, and it was really good. I'd had a productive day, I was making friends. I'd been a little down before but I was getting over it.
I was late in calling my mum, because I couldn't leave. If I left, I wouldn't have been able to return, to ask questions and stuff. I was getting good information out of her, right. It was important. But I was late in calling my mum. So I got into my room and the first thing I did was call her. She started out by sighing, as if someone had shot her or something. Just really loud sighing. I hate it when my mum does this. She was speaking with a croaky voice and sighing really loudly like where were you and why won't you pick up. I struggle. I have been struggling every day for the past three years to answer their phone calls, when they call. They call every night. I know I should be grateful, I know it should be a privilege, that they want to talk to me that often.
But apparently, for some bizarre fucking reason, she hadn't been able to sleep till four or something, and then because of the 'burden' in her mind of having to call me every morning, she'd woken up at 830. Her words, not mine. Look, I put up with a lot. I take a lot of shit from them. I really do. But it's bound to hurt me too. Saying that it's a burden to call me. So I said it. I said don't call, then. If you can't wake up, and you have other things to do, and it's ruining your life, don't call. Obviously I rely on them a lot, but not if it's going to be like this. I don't want this guilt tripping fuckery.
And she did the sighing thing a lot more and told me to go out and eat something and go to bed. Now, my fridge has been in this state for almost three days now. They say this, and I say okay, I'll go get something to eat, even though there's nothing. to eat. NO THING. My shelf is EMPTY. Why is that- every time we speak, she says, 'you're lazy to go to town, you're lazy to go to town, you're lazy to go get groceries' blah blah fucking blah. I'm NOT LAZY. I DON'T HAVE TIME. I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME TO LEAVE. it's freezing cold outside, I'm exhausted all the time, I have so much work to do, I haven't had a minute off in days. I DON'T HAVE TIME. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO GO FOOD SHOPPING. And I finally snapped and said this, because how many fucking times do i have to say yeah, okay, but I don't have anything to eat before you get it.
I know they love me, okay. I know it. But this is not what I need. And then my fucking dad starts mumbling in the background and I can hear him, but I don't know what he's saying, and it's one of his most infuriating habits, and he's talking out loud about me, but I can't hear him over the phone. I asked my mum, and she sighed fifteen more times and said, 'you don't want to know', so yeah, i get the idea. FUCK YOU. Okay. FUCK. YOU.
Don't call me if you don't want to. Don't wake up for me, if you don't want to. STOP CARING. Okay. Because your care comes with a price, and it's not one I want to pay. If this is what you want to do to me, I might as well die.
I KNOW YOU HAD A BAD NIGHT. I KNOW. But whose fault is that? Is it mine? If you wake up in the night, and you get up to pee, and then eat bread and milk, and then drink water and then read your book on your iPad, I WANT TO KNOW, WHO WOULD FALL ASLEEP AGAIN. YOU'VE WOKEN YOURSELF UP. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT. AND THEN YOU TAKE IT OUT ON ME?
EVERYTIME SHE FALLS SICK, IT'S TAKEN OUT ON ME, BECAUSE I'M THE BURDEN. I'M THE ROOT OF ALL THEIR PROBLEMS. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS, AND HE'S JUST SWEARING AT ME IN THE BACKGROUND, AND SHE'S JUST SIGHING AND SPEAKING AS IF I'VE HURT HER FUCK YOU. I'M TRYING TO HANDLE MY LIFE.
FUCK.
it was a good day. i got some stuff done. important stuff, that needed doing. I went for lunch with DB and we had Thai food and then cake and instead of going to the library we came back to my place. DB and I get along really well. There was a really shit moment when we were walking past Tesco in town and I saw LS, ELG and CdS gathering, and they'd obviously planned to gather there, because they just love each other so much. For anyone who doesn't know, LS lives in the room beside mine. CdS lives in the next flat. They'd planned to meet up, and they hadn't told me. These are the lil bitches I lived with last year, right. I was really upset. I was on the verge of emailing LS (the little fucking BITCH) all the emails I've received from CdS and ES about her, every single on slagging her off for being super involved in her boyfriend. She's always pissed me off a bit, and this pisses me off even more, because they can slag her off one minute and invite her out the next and not invite me when I shared my heart and soul with them and it makes me so angry I can't see straight. DB got me out of it. She calmed me down and distracted me and took me out for cake. I still want to go to LS in the kitchen and be like, "so did you have a nice outing in town today?" just to make things really horrendously awkward for her, because she's the type who gets squeamish. I want to be a massive bitch to her, because she's obviously not made a good impression on this flat, and anyone worth hanging out with doesn't really want to hang out with her. That dampened my spirits, for no good reason, because even if they'd invited me to their little tete-a-tete, I'd had been like hell no. Ugh. Whatever. Anyway. So we went back to my place to work.
My legal frontiers guy really fucked up and I only have five days to prep a debate for monday and it's 20% of the grade so I'm really stressed about that, and I also have a tutorial on monday which needs doing, so I've got a lot of stuff on my plate. I have no food in my fridge (nothing, not a single thing) but i'm managing, i'm handling it. I'm just working on my debate, which is really fucking important, and yeah. okay. so today I finally got the script done, got DB to look through it, and I'm ready to start verbalizing it and memorising it tomorrow. I also managed to finish the tutorial, even if it's super shoddy work.
MT's old friends have come up from all over the country to visit her, and in the evening I thought I'd go and say hi. One of the girls has got a training contract at a pretty good firm, and she just graduated last year, and she had a similar dissertation thesis to mine so I was getting some advice about interviews and applications and stuff, and it was really good. I'd had a productive day, I was making friends. I'd been a little down before but I was getting over it.
I was late in calling my mum, because I couldn't leave. If I left, I wouldn't have been able to return, to ask questions and stuff. I was getting good information out of her, right. It was important. But I was late in calling my mum. So I got into my room and the first thing I did was call her. She started out by sighing, as if someone had shot her or something. Just really loud sighing. I hate it when my mum does this. She was speaking with a croaky voice and sighing really loudly like where were you and why won't you pick up. I struggle. I have been struggling every day for the past three years to answer their phone calls, when they call. They call every night. I know I should be grateful, I know it should be a privilege, that they want to talk to me that often.
But apparently, for some bizarre fucking reason, she hadn't been able to sleep till four or something, and then because of the 'burden' in her mind of having to call me every morning, she'd woken up at 830. Her words, not mine. Look, I put up with a lot. I take a lot of shit from them. I really do. But it's bound to hurt me too. Saying that it's a burden to call me. So I said it. I said don't call, then. If you can't wake up, and you have other things to do, and it's ruining your life, don't call. Obviously I rely on them a lot, but not if it's going to be like this. I don't want this guilt tripping fuckery.
And she did the sighing thing a lot more and told me to go out and eat something and go to bed. Now, my fridge has been in this state for almost three days now. They say this, and I say okay, I'll go get something to eat, even though there's nothing. to eat. NO THING. My shelf is EMPTY. Why is that- every time we speak, she says, 'you're lazy to go to town, you're lazy to go to town, you're lazy to go get groceries' blah blah fucking blah. I'm NOT LAZY. I DON'T HAVE TIME. I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME TO LEAVE. it's freezing cold outside, I'm exhausted all the time, I have so much work to do, I haven't had a minute off in days. I DON'T HAVE TIME. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO GO FOOD SHOPPING. And I finally snapped and said this, because how many fucking times do i have to say yeah, okay, but I don't have anything to eat before you get it.
I know they love me, okay. I know it. But this is not what I need. And then my fucking dad starts mumbling in the background and I can hear him, but I don't know what he's saying, and it's one of his most infuriating habits, and he's talking out loud about me, but I can't hear him over the phone. I asked my mum, and she sighed fifteen more times and said, 'you don't want to know', so yeah, i get the idea. FUCK YOU. Okay. FUCK. YOU.
Don't call me if you don't want to. Don't wake up for me, if you don't want to. STOP CARING. Okay. Because your care comes with a price, and it's not one I want to pay. If this is what you want to do to me, I might as well die.
I KNOW YOU HAD A BAD NIGHT. I KNOW. But whose fault is that? Is it mine? If you wake up in the night, and you get up to pee, and then eat bread and milk, and then drink water and then read your book on your iPad, I WANT TO KNOW, WHO WOULD FALL ASLEEP AGAIN. YOU'VE WOKEN YOURSELF UP. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT. AND THEN YOU TAKE IT OUT ON ME?
EVERYTIME SHE FALLS SICK, IT'S TAKEN OUT ON ME, BECAUSE I'M THE BURDEN. I'M THE ROOT OF ALL THEIR PROBLEMS. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS, AND HE'S JUST SWEARING AT ME IN THE BACKGROUND, AND SHE'S JUST SIGHING AND SPEAKING AS IF I'VE HURT HER FUCK YOU. I'M TRYING TO HANDLE MY LIFE.
FUCK.