(no subject)
So. I just finished my second internship. It's been a while since I had a chance to properly write down what's going on, and I think I need a true let-it-out post. I don't think things have ever been quite this bad, ever before. Everything's going wrong. Every piece of news is bad news. I don't understand why happening, or what's going on. I'm just so drained, and exhausted. I want to crawl into bed and never come out. And you know what? I won't get to do that, because I'm flying back to Durham in 10 days.
For the new friends I've made in the past few weeks, welcome! I'm sorry that my first few posts are going to be such fucking downers, it's just the way things have been going recently.
1. My grandfather is really, really sick. He's got something called acetis. I don't know how the hell you spell it, but it's when the liver starts failing, and leaking water into your body. You get the weird pot-belly, and then your chest cavity fills up with water, and then it goes into your lungs, and you drown. There are meds, but they only work for three months before your kidney fucks up, and then you need a surgery. So, yes, that.
2. My dad. He flew back to India to take care of his parents. He's got this 'I am the oldest son' thing going on, and I understand that they're his parents, but he's under a lot of stress. The worst part? His parents don't want to write the will before his brothers get there, even though his brothers don't give two fucks. These are the same parents who didn't pay for his wedding, not because they couldn't affect it, but because they didn't approve of my mother. So. While he's there, he's been doing a few of his own medical tests. The results are not good. Not good at all. He's got diabetes, high blood pressure (which is so high it's scary) cholesterol and high sugar, whatever the fuck that means. He's a very, very angry man, and it's probably contributing to his blood pressure. He's also having memory problems, which is terrifying because he's still working and none of us in the family are going to able to support us all any time soon, except him. I'm petrified because oh my god what the fuck. He can't be ill. He can't. He's my dad. He's not allowed oh my god.
3. My training contract applications. Everyone's rejecting me. Except for the Singaporean firm which really liked me and offered me the contract off the bat, everyone's rejecting me. I just finished my second internship with a UK/US based firm, in the hopes that the Singapore office would call the UK office and let them know that yeah actually I'm a really hard worker, and I'm pretty bright, would you please hire me? I finished the internship, got home, and when I checked my email, I saw the rejection. You know what that means? That means they were just waiting for the internship to end, so they could email me. So they could get another couple of weeks of free labour. This is my last summer break ever, and I spent three precious weeks of it, slogging in an office I hated for them to do this to me. If they'd wanted to reject me, they should have fucking done it OFF THE BAT. Instead of making me waste my time. That's what this was. A Waste of my time, and my energy, and my life. But okay, fine. I won't be able to go back to the UK, and London. I won't be able to work in London. It sucks because I love the UK, but it's alright. I still have a job here. A future, here. I'll be alright.
4. So for those of you who've been with me a while, ya'll know that I'm a third year law student, in the University of Durham. In my second year, a couple of friends and I rented a house. Six girls, one kitchen, two bathrooms. It was supposed to be good. Fine. We were tight. But we weren't, enough. Things fell apart, like things do. A couple of people had fights, and I generally was neutral. My biggest problem was that I was on the first floor, and that everyone else was on the second. So they bonded a lot, and I didn't get to, because of the physical distance. CdS, ElG and ES got really close. Very tight. ElG is moving out with someone else next year, we knew that. CdS, ES, LS and I were supposed to move into dorms together, this coming year. That was the plan. CdS and I had been having some issues, where she just closed herself off from me and refused to speak to me. I'd go days and days without seeing her, even though we lived in the same house, did the same course, and shared most of our modules. I just wouldn't see her. I considered ES a really good friend. I helped her through a lot. She was depressed, at the end of this year. She had to get medical help, and will have to re-do her second year because she couldn't take exams. I helped her through it. I held her hand even when it drained me, because that's what I thought friends were for.
Two days ago, thurdsday morning, I got an email from her. She said that CdS thought she couldn't live in the same situation we'd been living in the past year, so she was going to move out. She asked ES. ES said yes, and that she was sorry, and that she hoped it didn't affect our friendship, but I'd be fine because I had LS with me. What's the problem with LS? Well, over the course of the past year, I have discovered that I really fucking don't like her. At all. Last year she got together with some guy before we moved into the house together. She spend every living minute, sort of fused to him. They kind of melted into a single blob thing. They would fuck every night, and be really loud about it too. When we asked her to join us for dinner or something, she'd say that she had work, but when we got home we'd always find that she'd had him over. He was loud, and boisterous, and really fucking annoying. Just. She ditched us, like she expected us to be there when she turned around. Friendship doesn't work that way, does it? She'd ignore us, for days, and she'd only spend time with us in the kitchen if she was waiting for him. She also has a habit of being really irritating. She insists she's right, even if she's not. She'll insist the moon is made of cheese if she thinks it true, even though it's really not, and then she'll talk down to you. She talks down to everyone. It makes me crazy. So ES and CdS have decided to fuck off and leave me with LS. I don't know whether there will be anyone else in our flat, but there should be I s2g, there had better be. If I'm left alone with her for a year, I'm going to kill myself.
You know what's the worst part? When we were having problems as a house last year, a few other people asked me to join them. I like those people. They're nice. Friendly. Good people. I had the choice to move in with them. And I chose not to. I thought, you know, I've got these friends, and we're going through a tough time so I should stick it out, right? I didn't jump ship, even though I could have. And now, I find out that they've jumped ship and left me behind. Because that's what I get in return for loyalty. That's just great. Fucking fantastic. I'm going back to Durham on the 30th, and I'm going to arrive into an empty flat. I'm going to be as alone as I was the day I first arrived in Durham. It hurts me so much, because while I'm here, in Singapore, everything I do, I used to think, Oh, ES would like this, or CdS would really like that - I wish they were here. And while I was missing them, they were conspiring to leave. I clearly cared for them more than they cared for me, and they just took advantage of the fact that I was blind to it. I'm so fucking ashamed, I could die from it.
So now I'm either stuck with LS, or I've got to go out and find new housemates. The cons? They'll be strangers. In my last year, do I really want strangers? I don't know. They're all students, and I can take care of myself, but what's worse - potentially being alone with a girl I really don't like, or potentially being alone in a house full of people I might not like? Either way, I'm alone.
ES said that I wouldn't be alone, because I'm with LS. That's fucking bullshit and she knows it, and you know what? I hate her for it. I loathe her for it. If I see a picture of her on my facebook, I feel like deleting it. Fuck that noise. Fuck her. Fuck CdS too. I'm so angry, and so upset, I can't even think straight.
5. I was whatsapping ML and MC about this. They're my sisters and I love them, but ML is killing me. Every time I talk about problems I'm having in RL, she cuts me down. I've known these two since 2005. That makes this what, 8 ish years? 9? ML has started doing this. she turns on me and makes like it's my fault, or my doing. Maybe I had a part to play in that, in the falling out. But I had no part of them choosing to ditch me. I did nothing to merit that. And it hurts like a knife wound to the gut that she turns around and tells me to 'live and let live', and to 'calm down', and to 'not complain so much'. I've never once made her feel like her problems are insignificant. I've never turned her away, not when she was stressed and having boy problems, and I was having exams. I don't understand why she's trying to make me feel like this. I don't understand what she gains from it. We fought over it, once, earlier this year. When I was already down in the dumps. It was what prompted my April/May breakdown. I don't understand why she's my enemy, when she's supposed to have my back.
Am I being unrealistic in my expectations of my friends? Am I hoping for the forever friendship when no such thing exists in the world? Is that where I'm going wrong? Am I taking it too seriously, when I should just be laughing it off? I don't think I can laugh now. I haven't felt like smiling in a while. I just want to go to a small town in the middle of nowhere and do my thing in peace. I don't want to have to worry about any of this nonsense. I just want to live quietly, and peacefully, and stress-free. Why is that so hard to find? I'm sick of this shit.
For the new friends I've made in the past few weeks, welcome! I'm sorry that my first few posts are going to be such fucking downers, it's just the way things have been going recently.
1. My grandfather is really, really sick. He's got something called acetis. I don't know how the hell you spell it, but it's when the liver starts failing, and leaking water into your body. You get the weird pot-belly, and then your chest cavity fills up with water, and then it goes into your lungs, and you drown. There are meds, but they only work for three months before your kidney fucks up, and then you need a surgery. So, yes, that.
2. My dad. He flew back to India to take care of his parents. He's got this 'I am the oldest son' thing going on, and I understand that they're his parents, but he's under a lot of stress. The worst part? His parents don't want to write the will before his brothers get there, even though his brothers don't give two fucks. These are the same parents who didn't pay for his wedding, not because they couldn't affect it, but because they didn't approve of my mother. So. While he's there, he's been doing a few of his own medical tests. The results are not good. Not good at all. He's got diabetes, high blood pressure (which is so high it's scary) cholesterol and high sugar, whatever the fuck that means. He's a very, very angry man, and it's probably contributing to his blood pressure. He's also having memory problems, which is terrifying because he's still working and none of us in the family are going to able to support us all any time soon, except him. I'm petrified because oh my god what the fuck. He can't be ill. He can't. He's my dad. He's not allowed oh my god.
3. My training contract applications. Everyone's rejecting me. Except for the Singaporean firm which really liked me and offered me the contract off the bat, everyone's rejecting me. I just finished my second internship with a UK/US based firm, in the hopes that the Singapore office would call the UK office and let them know that yeah actually I'm a really hard worker, and I'm pretty bright, would you please hire me? I finished the internship, got home, and when I checked my email, I saw the rejection. You know what that means? That means they were just waiting for the internship to end, so they could email me. So they could get another couple of weeks of free labour. This is my last summer break ever, and I spent three precious weeks of it, slogging in an office I hated for them to do this to me. If they'd wanted to reject me, they should have fucking done it OFF THE BAT. Instead of making me waste my time. That's what this was. A Waste of my time, and my energy, and my life. But okay, fine. I won't be able to go back to the UK, and London. I won't be able to work in London. It sucks because I love the UK, but it's alright. I still have a job here. A future, here. I'll be alright.
4. So for those of you who've been with me a while, ya'll know that I'm a third year law student, in the University of Durham. In my second year, a couple of friends and I rented a house. Six girls, one kitchen, two bathrooms. It was supposed to be good. Fine. We were tight. But we weren't, enough. Things fell apart, like things do. A couple of people had fights, and I generally was neutral. My biggest problem was that I was on the first floor, and that everyone else was on the second. So they bonded a lot, and I didn't get to, because of the physical distance. CdS, ElG and ES got really close. Very tight. ElG is moving out with someone else next year, we knew that. CdS, ES, LS and I were supposed to move into dorms together, this coming year. That was the plan. CdS and I had been having some issues, where she just closed herself off from me and refused to speak to me. I'd go days and days without seeing her, even though we lived in the same house, did the same course, and shared most of our modules. I just wouldn't see her. I considered ES a really good friend. I helped her through a lot. She was depressed, at the end of this year. She had to get medical help, and will have to re-do her second year because she couldn't take exams. I helped her through it. I held her hand even when it drained me, because that's what I thought friends were for.
Two days ago, thurdsday morning, I got an email from her. She said that CdS thought she couldn't live in the same situation we'd been living in the past year, so she was going to move out. She asked ES. ES said yes, and that she was sorry, and that she hoped it didn't affect our friendship, but I'd be fine because I had LS with me. What's the problem with LS? Well, over the course of the past year, I have discovered that I really fucking don't like her. At all. Last year she got together with some guy before we moved into the house together. She spend every living minute, sort of fused to him. They kind of melted into a single blob thing. They would fuck every night, and be really loud about it too. When we asked her to join us for dinner or something, she'd say that she had work, but when we got home we'd always find that she'd had him over. He was loud, and boisterous, and really fucking annoying. Just. She ditched us, like she expected us to be there when she turned around. Friendship doesn't work that way, does it? She'd ignore us, for days, and she'd only spend time with us in the kitchen if she was waiting for him. She also has a habit of being really irritating. She insists she's right, even if she's not. She'll insist the moon is made of cheese if she thinks it true, even though it's really not, and then she'll talk down to you. She talks down to everyone. It makes me crazy. So ES and CdS have decided to fuck off and leave me with LS. I don't know whether there will be anyone else in our flat, but there should be I s2g, there had better be. If I'm left alone with her for a year, I'm going to kill myself.
You know what's the worst part? When we were having problems as a house last year, a few other people asked me to join them. I like those people. They're nice. Friendly. Good people. I had the choice to move in with them. And I chose not to. I thought, you know, I've got these friends, and we're going through a tough time so I should stick it out, right? I didn't jump ship, even though I could have. And now, I find out that they've jumped ship and left me behind. Because that's what I get in return for loyalty. That's just great. Fucking fantastic. I'm going back to Durham on the 30th, and I'm going to arrive into an empty flat. I'm going to be as alone as I was the day I first arrived in Durham. It hurts me so much, because while I'm here, in Singapore, everything I do, I used to think, Oh, ES would like this, or CdS would really like that - I wish they were here. And while I was missing them, they were conspiring to leave. I clearly cared for them more than they cared for me, and they just took advantage of the fact that I was blind to it. I'm so fucking ashamed, I could die from it.
So now I'm either stuck with LS, or I've got to go out and find new housemates. The cons? They'll be strangers. In my last year, do I really want strangers? I don't know. They're all students, and I can take care of myself, but what's worse - potentially being alone with a girl I really don't like, or potentially being alone in a house full of people I might not like? Either way, I'm alone.
ES said that I wouldn't be alone, because I'm with LS. That's fucking bullshit and she knows it, and you know what? I hate her for it. I loathe her for it. If I see a picture of her on my facebook, I feel like deleting it. Fuck that noise. Fuck her. Fuck CdS too. I'm so angry, and so upset, I can't even think straight.
5. I was whatsapping ML and MC about this. They're my sisters and I love them, but ML is killing me. Every time I talk about problems I'm having in RL, she cuts me down. I've known these two since 2005. That makes this what, 8 ish years? 9? ML has started doing this. she turns on me and makes like it's my fault, or my doing. Maybe I had a part to play in that, in the falling out. But I had no part of them choosing to ditch me. I did nothing to merit that. And it hurts like a knife wound to the gut that she turns around and tells me to 'live and let live', and to 'calm down', and to 'not complain so much'. I've never once made her feel like her problems are insignificant. I've never turned her away, not when she was stressed and having boy problems, and I was having exams. I don't understand why she's trying to make me feel like this. I don't understand what she gains from it. We fought over it, once, earlier this year. When I was already down in the dumps. It was what prompted my April/May breakdown. I don't understand why she's my enemy, when she's supposed to have my back.
Am I being unrealistic in my expectations of my friends? Am I hoping for the forever friendship when no such thing exists in the world? Is that where I'm going wrong? Am I taking it too seriously, when I should just be laughing it off? I don't think I can laugh now. I haven't felt like smiling in a while. I just want to go to a small town in the middle of nowhere and do my thing in peace. I don't want to have to worry about any of this nonsense. I just want to live quietly, and peacefully, and stress-free. Why is that so hard to find? I'm sick of this shit.