(no subject)
So, things have gone to shit recently.
I don't remember whether I wrote about my application drama for training contracts in the UK or not, but just to recap for new friends. I'm a rising third, law student at the university of Durham, in the UK. I'm a solid second-upper. In the month of July, I applied to 200 firms for a training contract, in London.
Read it, and weep.
200. Firms.
So, as expected, I've been getting rejection letters, day in and day out. There's only so many you can take before they start wearing on you. I've had my fair share of summer break downs.
In the mean time, I've been interning in Singapore. I was at the matrimonial department of a really bloody good firm here. It was incredibly fun. Exciting, really. On the plus side, they offered my the training contract, which, YAY!
But the problem is, I wanted something in the UK. Okay, now. I'm pretty resigned to staying in Singapore, but there's this small part of me that's still hopeful about the UK, but there's still a handful of firms who haven't rejected me.
The next problem is that I haven't yet applied to firms in Singapore- the application periods are different from the UK. So that's a problem, because yesterday the firm that I interned in, called to ask why I hadn't signed the contract.
Don't get me wrong, I love that firm, and I can see myself working there for quite some time, but what if I'm selling myself short? What if there are bigger, better paying firms who'd take me too, if I just applied. That's the last thing my dad said to me, before he left for India. More on that in a minute.
Now I'm interning in the really small Singaporean office of a US firm, to which I had also applied in London. The US firms reject you first. This one hasn't rejected me yet. Two possible options. Either they're seeing this through, and they'll call the Singaporean office and ask if they should offer me a TC. Either that, or they're holding off on the rejection so that they get some more free labour. I mean, I don't know. They're really nice. And I can be really, really charming you have no idea.
But remember, the Singaporean firm is already asking for the contract.
Right, now, I'm sure I've ranted about my crazy family drama before. It continues, as usual, but things are worse. My dad's dad has a thing. Last year he vomited blood and had to be admitted to the hospital. This year, though he seemed to have recovered from the last time, he's got fluid building up in his body. Basically, not good.
My dad flew to India because my grandmother is clueless and they can't wrangle with the less than cooperative doctors there. My dad is an incredible charmer, when he wants to be. I get it from him. So. He's there. The first doctor told him that his dad has two months to live.
My dad also bears a lot of weight on his shoulders. He doesn't share his burdens. He was alone with the doctor when he said this. Not good. I have issues with my paternal grandparents (and the maternal ones) for the way they've treated my mother. But they're his parents. He's devastated. And I've never heard him sound so lost in my life. He's a rock. He doesn't change. This is terrifying me.
Meanwhile his mother and father have no idea of the seriousness. My dad doesn't want to tell them. I don't want him to be the sold bearer of bad news. He doesn't even want to tell his brother, in Canada. Not a good idea, dad.
So he took them to another doctor, whose a specialist, and a complete fuck head. He's going on holiday in a day, so he can't be arsed. He gives a very different prognosis.
He takes them to another doctor, in a different city. These people are more concerned. More caring. They say that without intervention he has two months. With drugs and then surgery, he has possibly more than 4 years to go. Considering my grandpa is 78 years old, that's not bad. It's a lot better than two months. They admitted him yesterday, but the drugs aren't working.
The consequence of my grandfather passing away will be horrific. He was the nicest person in my dad's family, who accepted my mum even thought she wasn't his choice. He and my mum are kindred souls. It would devastate her.
Then, my grandma would have to come live either with us, or with my dad's brother. My dad's brother, the one in Canada, is on the verge of a divorce, I think. His wife, who believes in a branch of non-violent Hinduism, threatened to push him off a bridge, on Facebook. Not good. So it's have to be us.
If my grandfather was the nicest to my mum, my grandmother is the MEANEST. I hate her. I hate her. She's cruel, and petty, and has so many problems. She's mean and horrible and I don't want her here. I hate that I'm being so mean. I hate that I dislike her so much. But I've never said it out loud, and it's killing me.
She pretends that it's a miracle I can take the bus home. In an insulting way. She said that I'd make better living as a stripper than as a lawyer. She cursed my mother for years for having two daughters. She didn't speak to my dad for years, for marrying an independent girl who didn't just take her nonsense. She's got ten million health problems, and does not bring an ounce of joy to anyone. She's massively overweight, and can't even walk. My mum, who has a bad back, is going to have to take care of her, if I'm working full time and my sister is in uni. This is the woman who blamed seeing my mum's mum for anything bad that ever happened to her.
Everyone's under a massive amount of pressure. My sister turned 18, which is incredible. Who decided to let her become an adult? She's still having issues with my dad.
I'm exhausted from my non-stop internships. ES has gone on vacation, and I didn't know where she was so I drew the worst possible conclusion. I contacted her brother, whom I've never met in my life before. He was a darling and kept me in the loop. But she haslimited Internet access, so I don't really have anyone to talk to, or get advice from. I'm the only intern in this office, so I spend a lot of my time being cripplingly lonely.
And today I found out that my dad still thinks my going to law school overseas is a massive waste of time and money, because I'm going to get the same salary as a local graduate. I'm considering becoming a stripper and living under a bridge for a few years, so I can pay him back in full and he can stop going on about it. Consider it a loan and never talk about it again. He keeps saying that everyone on the planet has a scholarship except me, because I just didn't try enough, or I'm just not good enough, but he's not saying it. I want him to FUCKING SAY IT. I never want him to say its a waste again.
These have been some of the best years of my life and I wouldn't change them for anything in the world. If the money is what he cares about, I'm going to pay him back but I need him to stop. He's also started this thing about how he and my mum aren't going to be able to rely on us in their old age because we're not filial etc. he says that we're going to abandon them and leave, but that's one of the most hurtful things he's ever said about us. I mean. We've had our fights but how could he even think that? He's such a fucking asshole sometimes I don't understand how he's even real.
Things are tough. My one offer is the only bright spark. And the fact that my mummy's business seems to be looking up. Ugh. This summer kinda sucks. Here's hoping things get better, and work out.