Another addendum
I want to talk for a minute or two about postpartum depression.
As far as I can tell, I suffered from it for about a year, but it went relatively unnoticed because of two major things:
1. I did not fail to bond with the baby
2. I did not vocalize or consider harming myself or others.
Other than that, I had all of the classic symptoms of postpartum depression. My health care workers did not notice my despondency, I did not articulate it. I felt hyper-isolated and was further immersed inwardly. Anyone who has coped with depression knows that feeling.
It is no ones fault that I was/am/battle depression. It is part of my make up, and I know that.
I had some very very dark moments, and occasionally these recur. If I had not sought help from my healer and friend Elaine, if my mom and Aunt Janet hadn't been there the day I felt the worst, I am not sure where I would be now.
I am still coping with feelings of worthlessness, identity in crisis, and if I am ever going to be good enough for these girls or the expectations I have for myself.
I am trying to get out again. I am trying to reach out, and some bright spots have been facilitated by some lovely people (Erik of course, Brenda Kelly, Melissa Meck). So here it is - community, I need you. I don't know how to get back, I don't know how to get out of the HOUSE. But I need you, and I hope there is still a seat for me when I figure it all out.
Much love to you all.
And all of you others too.
As far as I can tell, I suffered from it for about a year, but it went relatively unnoticed because of two major things:
1. I did not fail to bond with the baby
2. I did not vocalize or consider harming myself or others.
Other than that, I had all of the classic symptoms of postpartum depression. My health care workers did not notice my despondency, I did not articulate it. I felt hyper-isolated and was further immersed inwardly. Anyone who has coped with depression knows that feeling.
It is no ones fault that I was/am/battle depression. It is part of my make up, and I know that.
I had some very very dark moments, and occasionally these recur. If I had not sought help from my healer and friend Elaine, if my mom and Aunt Janet hadn't been there the day I felt the worst, I am not sure where I would be now.
I am still coping with feelings of worthlessness, identity in crisis, and if I am ever going to be good enough for these girls or the expectations I have for myself.
I am trying to get out again. I am trying to reach out, and some bright spots have been facilitated by some lovely people (Erik of course, Brenda Kelly, Melissa Meck). So here it is - community, I need you. I don't know how to get back, I don't know how to get out of the HOUSE. But I need you, and I hope there is still a seat for me when I figure it all out.
Much love to you all.
And all of you others too.