Lenora's Birth Part Five
At home I decide that the best thing is for me to sleep on the couch. I decide this because I need to get up every two hours to pump, the pumping is taking a long time, and so I don't want to disturb Erik.
I am trying not to think about spending my Mother's Day in the hospital. I call the Nurses each night before I go to bed and first thing in the morning. At this point Lenora is able to take a bottle and she is drinking them well. The staff is amazed by the amount of milk I am producing. I tell them my nick name, "Dairy Queen". I call to tell them when I will be coming so that they will not give her a bottle. I bring tons of milk and spend the entire day of mother's day in the NICU. When they kick me out for shift change, I no longer have a bed to go lay in, so I try to lay flat in the TV lounge. Its not an easy day. Erik is with Faelyn and takes her somewhere fun. Its better that way, but I miss her so much. I think my separation from Erik and Faelyn was just as bad as the one from Lenora. The Lenora one taking up the most room in my mind because of chemicals and instinct. I miss them desparately.
At the same time, it is only a week before Katie will be leaving forever.
Its like there was a conjunction of planets or something. That all of these forces came together to completely isolate me in my time of sorrow. Work folks were afraid to even send flowers because apparently they thought the baby might die.
While I am there one night, this must be while I am still in the hospital. A baby does die. It is the singular most terrible thing I think I have ever witnessed. I remember the mother's seeming grace for the first day or so, her confidence that the baby is going to be alright, going through the motions of washing her hands, holding on to a tiny hand, sitting, hoping. When they drew the curtains around her and her husband I saw her collapse out of the corner of my eye into her husband's arms. Then her quiet crying filled my ears. I looked at Lenora and knew I was lucky. Lucky to have a baby that was going to pull through. Who was strong and getting stronger. Who would live.
On mother's day Erik picked me up and to save on parking, parks a good 2-3 blocks from the hospital. I think with everything he must have forgotten me, and I did not remind him that I was recovering, still, from major surgery. I was hungry and tired and sad. And it was mother's day and my baby was still in the hospital. Maybe tomorrow they kept saying.
Erik must have been there for part of the day, and I remember our pediatrician coming in to see us. It was the second or third time he had been in, the first time we had seen him. I was so filled with love at that moment, knowing it was Mother's day and he should be celebrating with his wife, that he took the time to check in and reassure us was a blessing.
I got home and no one had made any food, and I was starving and I distinctly remembering asking for food and no one being able to make a decision about what to make, it was so frustrating. I was white with bright red spots on my cheeks and i had to lay down immediately. I thought I would probably be in the emergency room. No one seemed to notice my suffering. This further isolated me, and when I asked for help, I felt like no one heard me. So I stopped asking. Erik was so wrapped up with Faelyn, everyone was. I think to cope.
When I pumped that night I pumped an entire 6 ounces of blood out of my left breast. It comes from broken capilaries in the breast, I was squeezing myself so hard that I hurt myself. It was kind of the most surreal thing. I had been watching all of this Angel on DVD and all I could think was, well, if Angel had had his vampire baby with me...
On Monday, I knew that was going to be the day, they could not possibly keep her from me. I called the nursery, they gave me the news that she had been on Room air and that it was looking up. I was excited to get there, took my time, ate a giant breakfast. Hugged Faelyn a lot and had Katie or Mom drop me off. When I got there she was on the oxygen again, they said there was no way she would go home. I was hysterical again. I called Erik, who had gone back to work, and cried and cried and cried.
After I pulled myself together I went back and held Lenora. About 30 minutes later Erik arrived like a night in shining armor. I knew I wasn't giving him enough credit and that he was going through his own thing too. But he was there.
Lenora came home on Tuesday. It was the day she was due.
There is a lot more to say about what came after, but that, is the fuzzy late recolection of Lenora's dramatic arrival.
I still watch her breathe sometimes.
I am trying not to think about spending my Mother's Day in the hospital. I call the Nurses each night before I go to bed and first thing in the morning. At this point Lenora is able to take a bottle and she is drinking them well. The staff is amazed by the amount of milk I am producing. I tell them my nick name, "Dairy Queen". I call to tell them when I will be coming so that they will not give her a bottle. I bring tons of milk and spend the entire day of mother's day in the NICU. When they kick me out for shift change, I no longer have a bed to go lay in, so I try to lay flat in the TV lounge. Its not an easy day. Erik is with Faelyn and takes her somewhere fun. Its better that way, but I miss her so much. I think my separation from Erik and Faelyn was just as bad as the one from Lenora. The Lenora one taking up the most room in my mind because of chemicals and instinct. I miss them desparately.
At the same time, it is only a week before Katie will be leaving forever.
Its like there was a conjunction of planets or something. That all of these forces came together to completely isolate me in my time of sorrow. Work folks were afraid to even send flowers because apparently they thought the baby might die.
While I am there one night, this must be while I am still in the hospital. A baby does die. It is the singular most terrible thing I think I have ever witnessed. I remember the mother's seeming grace for the first day or so, her confidence that the baby is going to be alright, going through the motions of washing her hands, holding on to a tiny hand, sitting, hoping. When they drew the curtains around her and her husband I saw her collapse out of the corner of my eye into her husband's arms. Then her quiet crying filled my ears. I looked at Lenora and knew I was lucky. Lucky to have a baby that was going to pull through. Who was strong and getting stronger. Who would live.
On mother's day Erik picked me up and to save on parking, parks a good 2-3 blocks from the hospital. I think with everything he must have forgotten me, and I did not remind him that I was recovering, still, from major surgery. I was hungry and tired and sad. And it was mother's day and my baby was still in the hospital. Maybe tomorrow they kept saying.
Erik must have been there for part of the day, and I remember our pediatrician coming in to see us. It was the second or third time he had been in, the first time we had seen him. I was so filled with love at that moment, knowing it was Mother's day and he should be celebrating with his wife, that he took the time to check in and reassure us was a blessing.
I got home and no one had made any food, and I was starving and I distinctly remembering asking for food and no one being able to make a decision about what to make, it was so frustrating. I was white with bright red spots on my cheeks and i had to lay down immediately. I thought I would probably be in the emergency room. No one seemed to notice my suffering. This further isolated me, and when I asked for help, I felt like no one heard me. So I stopped asking. Erik was so wrapped up with Faelyn, everyone was. I think to cope.
When I pumped that night I pumped an entire 6 ounces of blood out of my left breast. It comes from broken capilaries in the breast, I was squeezing myself so hard that I hurt myself. It was kind of the most surreal thing. I had been watching all of this Angel on DVD and all I could think was, well, if Angel had had his vampire baby with me...
On Monday, I knew that was going to be the day, they could not possibly keep her from me. I called the nursery, they gave me the news that she had been on Room air and that it was looking up. I was excited to get there, took my time, ate a giant breakfast. Hugged Faelyn a lot and had Katie or Mom drop me off. When I got there she was on the oxygen again, they said there was no way she would go home. I was hysterical again. I called Erik, who had gone back to work, and cried and cried and cried.
After I pulled myself together I went back and held Lenora. About 30 minutes later Erik arrived like a night in shining armor. I knew I wasn't giving him enough credit and that he was going through his own thing too. But he was there.
Lenora came home on Tuesday. It was the day she was due.
There is a lot more to say about what came after, but that, is the fuzzy late recolection of Lenora's dramatic arrival.
I still watch her breathe sometimes.