Loneliness
I'm slowly adjusting to my new home and my new single status. Sometimes, I feel pretty good. I have almost everything unpacked, and have put up decorations in my room. The space feels very "me" now, and I love having having my own space and bed again. Perhaps I'm weird in this matter, since I more often hear people talk about how they hate sleeping alone, but I love it. I do like sleeping with people at times, but I didn't realize how much I missed sleeping alone, sprawling out on the bed and retreating into myself as I drift off to sleep.
Other times, the adjustment is predictably difficult, like last night. I felt lonely and feared that I was unlovable (do those fears ever completely go away?). Then I feared that the weight of my sadness would never lift, a common fear for me due to my history with depression. These feelings were amplified by watching an episode of My So Called Life. I know better than to watch this show while feeling sad and lonely! I think it's a great show, but it's such a raw and realistic picture of high school life for me that it catapults me back to my high school self. That time was incredibly painful and difficult for me, and I never want to go back to those times, ever. On the surface I may have appeared successful and well-adjusted, but beneath it all I was a miserable mess much of the time. I feel like I've come a long way since then; I'm happier, I love myself more, and overall I'm much more stable and capable of coping with life. But sometimes I remember all too well what it felt like back then, as well as during other more recent episodes of depression, and I panic because I don't want to feel that way ever again. It's easier to deal with these feelings when there's a loving partner there to support me and remind me that I'm capable of being loved. But on my own I have to do that for myself, and while I'm sure it makes me stronger, it can be so hard at times.
So what made me feel better? Writing in my paper journal did wonders, and so did playing music. I started learning a new song that's fun to sing and fairly easy to play on guitar, which helped to release some of the pain and remind myself that I can self-soothe and be okay on my own. I'm finding that I have a tendency lately to want to numb my pain with TV rather than healing it through self-expression, even though the latter is what actually helps me to feel better. I need to remember this and push myself to engage my creativity, even if it feels like I don't have the energy to do so.
I lament that this summer kind of sucked; I didn't get to go camping as I had hoped, or really go anywhere, and most of my time was taken up by working, breaking up with my partner, and moving. I'm actually looking forward to school starting again, despite the stress it will inevitably bring. At least then my mind will be occupied by schoolwork and hopefully not have much time to feel lonely and sorry for myself.
Sigh. Such is life. All I can do is put all this behind me and move on. My 29th birthday approaches, and I hope that with it I can have a fresh start to a better year.
Other times, the adjustment is predictably difficult, like last night. I felt lonely and feared that I was unlovable (do those fears ever completely go away?). Then I feared that the weight of my sadness would never lift, a common fear for me due to my history with depression. These feelings were amplified by watching an episode of My So Called Life. I know better than to watch this show while feeling sad and lonely! I think it's a great show, but it's such a raw and realistic picture of high school life for me that it catapults me back to my high school self. That time was incredibly painful and difficult for me, and I never want to go back to those times, ever. On the surface I may have appeared successful and well-adjusted, but beneath it all I was a miserable mess much of the time. I feel like I've come a long way since then; I'm happier, I love myself more, and overall I'm much more stable and capable of coping with life. But sometimes I remember all too well what it felt like back then, as well as during other more recent episodes of depression, and I panic because I don't want to feel that way ever again. It's easier to deal with these feelings when there's a loving partner there to support me and remind me that I'm capable of being loved. But on my own I have to do that for myself, and while I'm sure it makes me stronger, it can be so hard at times.
So what made me feel better? Writing in my paper journal did wonders, and so did playing music. I started learning a new song that's fun to sing and fairly easy to play on guitar, which helped to release some of the pain and remind myself that I can self-soothe and be okay on my own. I'm finding that I have a tendency lately to want to numb my pain with TV rather than healing it through self-expression, even though the latter is what actually helps me to feel better. I need to remember this and push myself to engage my creativity, even if it feels like I don't have the energy to do so.
I lament that this summer kind of sucked; I didn't get to go camping as I had hoped, or really go anywhere, and most of my time was taken up by working, breaking up with my partner, and moving. I'm actually looking forward to school starting again, despite the stress it will inevitably bring. At least then my mind will be occupied by schoolwork and hopefully not have much time to feel lonely and sorry for myself.
Sigh. Such is life. All I can do is put all this behind me and move on. My 29th birthday approaches, and I hope that with it I can have a fresh start to a better year.