not all friendships need to be best friendships
You ever have that friend who is fine to hang out with now and then, for short periods of time, but you really don't want a really intensive friendship with them? Like, they're easy to get along with for the most part, and they're funny, and you have similar interests. But at the same time, they have a lot of personality traits you simple do not want to be around for any extended length of time? Except, they're not traits that are really glaring or overtly offensive, they're not racist or cruel, but they're just...kind of annoying after awhile?
It seems like they always want your attention - or someone's attention, anyone's attention - and you just don't have the energy to juggle their constant need to be around people or desire for entertainment in the form of friends. You don't hate them, but you can't keep up with their level of energy or want to do stuff - even if it's low key things like hanging out and watching television. You just want to hang out at home, in your own space, without feeling guilty or obligated to be social with someone.
But you make the effort to do social things with them and, in turn, invite them to social things you do. There's interest, at first, until they pout because they're no longer the center of attention. Card and board games become awkward and you and your other friends wonder who could have so little fun playing games. You make the effort to invite them back, change up the choices for things to do, but they simply become more and more disinterested and bored by it. So you stop inviting them because they've made it clear they're not going to enjoy themselves.
They can be kind of thoughtless, too. Telling you to quit whining when you lament feeling out of sorts or that you have the crazy thought you're being excluded from others (friends or otherwise). They sometimes rub things in your face when you grump about your own stress. "Well, I have a job and a social life!" "I came out of winter the thinnest!" You don't want to say anything because your complaints sound petty, but now you're upset about biting your tongue and not telling a friend that their words can sting.
So you minimize your contact with them. You're not mean about it and you're not rude. You say 'hello' when you see them outside, you talk to them when your paths cross, but you don't go out of your way to do stuff with them. Maybe it's not the best course of action, but they're not your only friend and you have other things going on in your life.
Then you get the inquiry.
"Why do you hate us? You've made it painfully obvious since we've gotten here that we're unwelcomed, and I'd like to know why. I've just gotten the feeling that both of you are just looking for reasons to be rude."
You wonder where these assumptions came from. You wonder how someone could assume you hate them when you've been nothing but pleasant to them. You wonder where the unwelcoming feeling could come from when you invited them to places initially all the time - Thanksgiving, trips up to Cleveland, game night, etcera. When they stopped being interested or you simply wanted to do something alone or with your partner, you didn't invite them because, well, you're not obligated to take your friends everywhere you go.
You wonder how you've been rude. And when. Especially when you received rudeness and the dirtiest look ever when you ran into them just recently at a bar.
You wonder what the differences are between the world you're living in and theirs and if their definitions of things are altered.
And you don't hate them, you just don't know how to tell them that you don't like hanging out with them all the time without them thinking you hate them. And you're not sure how to approach the issue without sounding like a complete bitch, because you're not trying to be a bitch, but you're not going to go out of your way to make others happy while sacrificing your own happiness in the process.
[ crossposted from dreamwidth ➙ you can also view it there ]
It seems like they always want your attention - or someone's attention, anyone's attention - and you just don't have the energy to juggle their constant need to be around people or desire for entertainment in the form of friends. You don't hate them, but you can't keep up with their level of energy or want to do stuff - even if it's low key things like hanging out and watching television. You just want to hang out at home, in your own space, without feeling guilty or obligated to be social with someone.
But you make the effort to do social things with them and, in turn, invite them to social things you do. There's interest, at first, until they pout because they're no longer the center of attention. Card and board games become awkward and you and your other friends wonder who could have so little fun playing games. You make the effort to invite them back, change up the choices for things to do, but they simply become more and more disinterested and bored by it. So you stop inviting them because they've made it clear they're not going to enjoy themselves.
They can be kind of thoughtless, too. Telling you to quit whining when you lament feeling out of sorts or that you have the crazy thought you're being excluded from others (friends or otherwise). They sometimes rub things in your face when you grump about your own stress. "Well, I have a job and a social life!" "I came out of winter the thinnest!" You don't want to say anything because your complaints sound petty, but now you're upset about biting your tongue and not telling a friend that their words can sting.
So you minimize your contact with them. You're not mean about it and you're not rude. You say 'hello' when you see them outside, you talk to them when your paths cross, but you don't go out of your way to do stuff with them. Maybe it's not the best course of action, but they're not your only friend and you have other things going on in your life.
Then you get the inquiry.
"Why do you hate us? You've made it painfully obvious since we've gotten here that we're unwelcomed, and I'd like to know why. I've just gotten the feeling that both of you are just looking for reasons to be rude."
You wonder where these assumptions came from. You wonder how someone could assume you hate them when you've been nothing but pleasant to them. You wonder where the unwelcoming feeling could come from when you invited them to places initially all the time - Thanksgiving, trips up to Cleveland, game night, etcera. When they stopped being interested or you simply wanted to do something alone or with your partner, you didn't invite them because, well, you're not obligated to take your friends everywhere you go.
You wonder how you've been rude. And when. Especially when you received rudeness and the dirtiest look ever when you ran into them just recently at a bar.
You wonder what the differences are between the world you're living in and theirs and if their definitions of things are altered.
And you don't hate them, you just don't know how to tell them that you don't like hanging out with them all the time without them thinking you hate them. And you're not sure how to approach the issue without sounding like a complete bitch, because you're not trying to be a bitch, but you're not going to go out of your way to make others happy while sacrificing your own happiness in the process.
[ crossposted from dreamwidth ➙ you can also view it there ]