not fair...just...not fair
i realize that my last few posts havnt exactly been hunky-dory...and this one inst any different...LJ is my outward vent, so all u guys with comments like "stfu, u emo freak" can just stop reading now.
i had previously gone to a friend's house to work on a project...this was tuesday night...great person, btw...fun and everything, hard worker and friendly. i have no problem with this person...in fact, this is basically about my own self-resentment. we were working on the project, and he says "yo, im just gunna take a shower and ill brb" and im like, "ok", and im working on the proj for about 20 mins, and he comes back to ask me if i wanted a drink and i look up and he has no shirt on...comfortably strolling around bare-back and muscle-bound. the more i think of it, the more i resent myself. something as simple as walking around without a shirt in your own house i cant do. "unfair" says my Yang, and "goddamn fuck shit" says my Yin. at this, i sort of just say "no thanx", and go back to work...but in the back of my mind, im stabbing myself. i asked myself a thousand times that night why it was that i had to be cursed with such atrocities. jealousy and rage welled up within me..."it isnt fair" was all i kept hearing...torment....torment....torment!
we finished the project and i said my goodbyes and went home...forgot all about it....supposedly. that night i dreamt of walking, swimming, and lounging without a shirt...such fun since it was only me.
woke up this morning happy with my dream, cuz it was the start of a good day right?....right?...guess not. i passed by about 100 mirrors that morning, and i was reminded 100 times of why i hate (thats right, i said HATE) my past, present, and future. grabbed my jacket and went to skool. walking through the halls, im looking at my usual height and line of vision....and all im seeing is chest, chest, flat, flat, normal, normal, fat kid with less than i do...and im just getting more and more upset. i was just out of it by the time 4th period rolled around. spanish with Chase, who tends to mess with jacket strings, and therefore makes me uncomfortable. he tends to ask me why i wear a jacket every day, and i say the same thing: " i have my reasons" and he responds by saying that i should just not come to skool with jackets. oh well...Chase is a good friend and i forgive his lack of knowing.
oh yea, and then there's danny...he's nice and all, but idk, ive never actually "clicked" with the guy. and the costant attempted pinching of the nipples can make you upset. speaking of upset, but on a different topic at the same time,...monday...i walk to lunch and im starving and im just like "wow, im gunna stuff myself today!" so i go and open my lunch only to find that my flan exploded on everything...and im just like "shit!" so i just sorta spend the first 12 minutes of lunch cleaning up my lunch stuff. i leave for three munutes to throw away trash, and i come back and eat my sandwich...which was kinda small today, but i didnt care cuz i had a bunch of other stuff! so i eat it and go back for more...suddelnly, im raided without my even being asked, and im left with nothing...only a dirty bag...WTF?! why is it i allow myself to be....taken advantage of? im nice to people, and so they steal from you...yay karma! =[. people asked what was wrong, and i just said "nothing...im ok" and i just sorta go inside to "cool off" b4 i kill someone. i cool off, and go back outside only to look across the field to see a girl and her friends which i knew...suddenly the memories flood back and im on the verge of crying in front of everyone...wouldnt accept it, and went back inside...some lunch, huh?
but yea man, back to today,....well, now i forget where i was...so i guess all ill say is that jealousy and rage were my best friends today...they stuck by me through and through. im just ashamed that im even jealous of Navin, and John, and Chase, and Kyle, and Danny, and Sergio, and Jevon...hell, even Darr. idk why i even bother anymore.
i had previously gone to a friend's house to work on a project...this was tuesday night...great person, btw...fun and everything, hard worker and friendly. i have no problem with this person...in fact, this is basically about my own self-resentment. we were working on the project, and he says "yo, im just gunna take a shower and ill brb" and im like, "ok", and im working on the proj for about 20 mins, and he comes back to ask me if i wanted a drink and i look up and he has no shirt on...comfortably strolling around bare-back and muscle-bound. the more i think of it, the more i resent myself. something as simple as walking around without a shirt in your own house i cant do. "unfair" says my Yang, and "goddamn fuck shit" says my Yin. at this, i sort of just say "no thanx", and go back to work...but in the back of my mind, im stabbing myself. i asked myself a thousand times that night why it was that i had to be cursed with such atrocities. jealousy and rage welled up within me..."it isnt fair" was all i kept hearing...torment....torment....torment!
we finished the project and i said my goodbyes and went home...forgot all about it....supposedly. that night i dreamt of walking, swimming, and lounging without a shirt...such fun since it was only me.
woke up this morning happy with my dream, cuz it was the start of a good day right?....right?...guess not. i passed by about 100 mirrors that morning, and i was reminded 100 times of why i hate (thats right, i said HATE) my past, present, and future. grabbed my jacket and went to skool. walking through the halls, im looking at my usual height and line of vision....and all im seeing is chest, chest, flat, flat, normal, normal, fat kid with less than i do...and im just getting more and more upset. i was just out of it by the time 4th period rolled around. spanish with Chase, who tends to mess with jacket strings, and therefore makes me uncomfortable. he tends to ask me why i wear a jacket every day, and i say the same thing: " i have my reasons" and he responds by saying that i should just not come to skool with jackets. oh well...Chase is a good friend and i forgive his lack of knowing.
oh yea, and then there's danny...he's nice and all, but idk, ive never actually "clicked" with the guy. and the costant attempted pinching of the nipples can make you upset. speaking of upset, but on a different topic at the same time,...monday...i walk to lunch and im starving and im just like "wow, im gunna stuff myself today!" so i go and open my lunch only to find that my flan exploded on everything...and im just like "shit!" so i just sorta spend the first 12 minutes of lunch cleaning up my lunch stuff. i leave for three munutes to throw away trash, and i come back and eat my sandwich...which was kinda small today, but i didnt care cuz i had a bunch of other stuff! so i eat it and go back for more...suddelnly, im raided without my even being asked, and im left with nothing...only a dirty bag...WTF?! why is it i allow myself to be....taken advantage of? im nice to people, and so they steal from you...yay karma! =[. people asked what was wrong, and i just said "nothing...im ok" and i just sorta go inside to "cool off" b4 i kill someone. i cool off, and go back outside only to look across the field to see a girl and her friends which i knew...suddenly the memories flood back and im on the verge of crying in front of everyone...wouldnt accept it, and went back inside...some lunch, huh?
but yea man, back to today,....well, now i forget where i was...so i guess all ill say is that jealousy and rage were my best friends today...they stuck by me through and through. im just ashamed that im even jealous of Navin, and John, and Chase, and Kyle, and Danny, and Sergio, and Jevon...hell, even Darr. idk why i even bother anymore.