"And i cant believe how I've been wasting my time..."
ehh...its incredible how the things you say can really affect people. somethings dont even need to be said. laughing at a person because they have only had one relationship in their lives...a friend...and so, then where does that place me? ive probably had about an eighth of a relationship. whats up with that? but no, this is of the laughter. to begin with, they laugh at my friend,...and then ask me how many ive had...so i make a joke about it. "you play the fool to hide a hero's pain..." once said a great being. yes well, ive played the fool for a greater portion of my existence. blessed are the loved, and cursed are the lonely. and so, in turn, my Yin half curses the loved, and damns their existence as to feel my pain a thousand times over.
Valentines day is tomorrow...a day of love, and happiness. a day of joy and discovery. the Yang wishes relationships luck and bestows its blessings upon all. the other half, well...ehh. another valentines day will, of course, come and go. and of course, i will spend it alone, in my room, probably daydreaming...how sad. this does, of course, bring me back to the times of middle school. ah yes, the 8th grade crush...valentine's day came around, and man was i happy...i had decided to give someone a secret admirer's bear...yay...or not. of course, she was happy to see it...but, of course she thought it was from anyone but me. go figure. im sure that when she found out it was i who had sent it, the bear ended up in some dumpster. it must have been the "eww" factor. it amazes me as to how much time and emotion i wasted on people. dont know why i kept trying...after 8th grade, i lost lust, i lost the will to seek it, i lost happiness in this day. i remember it used to make me so happy, this day. i would walk around, happy, looking at the couples without any bias. i would just be a tad jealous of them, but it was a good jealousy i guess. now a days, after the 8th grade disaster that was my life, i envy lovers. i look at them and think "wow, why do they look for the best looking guys with no caring personality?" i meen, some people in relationships are always checking out the ass of some other guy or girl OTHER that their "lover". i can name a few people, but i choose not to. not fair that they get the social skills early in life cuz o their looks, and i must struggle to say "hi" to someone im attracted to. farthest ive truly ever gotten was a little past "good friends" in which i apparently couldnt cut it for her. fuck. anyways, back to middle school. yes, while 8th grade was a disaster in the love department (clean up, isle 8...imagine being called the GAY BEST FRIEND of the girl group becuz u liked to chat with them...), 6th wasnt so bad...back then...now that i realize what happened, i torture myself every day for screwing myself up. there was, this girl who was really cute. asian,thin, black curly long hair, freckles on her nose and cheeks...beautiful lips...simply stunning. i really liked her...but, alas, i had a genetic "disorder", and so i thought to myself that i was out of my league...and i just sorta chatted with her, and never gave her the "analysis" much anymore...by analysis, i mean searching for SOME slim chance that she might find me cool or fun or even the slightest bit handsome. we didnt hang out of skool much, and in skool we chatted a bit. a bit turned to quite a bit, although it wasnt me who started the convo's or the long talks about who looked nice to me. never did tell her how i felt...how i felt it so strongly... she made up the name "Vikikki" 4 me and i loved it. some people still call me it today, but it doesnt have the same effect she brought upon it. 6th grade eventually ended, and i saw her a couple times here or there..eventually, she moved to Pennsylvania the summer of the end of 8th grade. why did i say i torture myself? i found out halfway through 9th grade that she was crazy for me.....god did i hate myself that day....that week, month...that YEAR! regret fills me to this day. i could have prevented my own social disgrace and akwardness. if only i had had the courage...just one day for 3 FUCKING YEARS! cant believe....i might have been ...happy? doesnt seem to work that way for the boob guy. yet its my own fault. i let her slip away like desert sand through my fingers. guess middle skool was a disaster, like i said. i tried, failed, and ended my quest.
i guess all in all, im just saying that i wish that this valentine's day, i had someone to spend it with. someone special to me. wont happen in the next...37 minutes, tho...its 11:23. oh well. another lonely day. might as well have gotten used to it by now...
Valentines day is tomorrow...a day of love, and happiness. a day of joy and discovery. the Yang wishes relationships luck and bestows its blessings upon all. the other half, well...ehh. another valentines day will, of course, come and go. and of course, i will spend it alone, in my room, probably daydreaming...how sad. this does, of course, bring me back to the times of middle school. ah yes, the 8th grade crush...valentine's day came around, and man was i happy...i had decided to give someone a secret admirer's bear...yay...or not. of course, she was happy to see it...but, of course she thought it was from anyone but me. go figure. im sure that when she found out it was i who had sent it, the bear ended up in some dumpster. it must have been the "eww" factor. it amazes me as to how much time and emotion i wasted on people. dont know why i kept trying...after 8th grade, i lost lust, i lost the will to seek it, i lost happiness in this day. i remember it used to make me so happy, this day. i would walk around, happy, looking at the couples without any bias. i would just be a tad jealous of them, but it was a good jealousy i guess. now a days, after the 8th grade disaster that was my life, i envy lovers. i look at them and think "wow, why do they look for the best looking guys with no caring personality?" i meen, some people in relationships are always checking out the ass of some other guy or girl OTHER that their "lover". i can name a few people, but i choose not to. not fair that they get the social skills early in life cuz o their looks, and i must struggle to say "hi" to someone im attracted to. farthest ive truly ever gotten was a little past "good friends" in which i apparently couldnt cut it for her. fuck. anyways, back to middle school. yes, while 8th grade was a disaster in the love department (clean up, isle 8...imagine being called the GAY BEST FRIEND of the girl group becuz u liked to chat with them...), 6th wasnt so bad...back then...now that i realize what happened, i torture myself every day for screwing myself up. there was, this girl who was really cute. asian,thin, black curly long hair, freckles on her nose and cheeks...beautiful lips...simply stunning. i really liked her...but, alas, i had a genetic "disorder", and so i thought to myself that i was out of my league...and i just sorta chatted with her, and never gave her the "analysis" much anymore...by analysis, i mean searching for SOME slim chance that she might find me cool or fun or even the slightest bit handsome. we didnt hang out of skool much, and in skool we chatted a bit. a bit turned to quite a bit, although it wasnt me who started the convo's or the long talks about who looked nice to me. never did tell her how i felt...how i felt it so strongly... she made up the name "Vikikki" 4 me and i loved it. some people still call me it today, but it doesnt have the same effect she brought upon it. 6th grade eventually ended, and i saw her a couple times here or there..eventually, she moved to Pennsylvania the summer of the end of 8th grade. why did i say i torture myself? i found out halfway through 9th grade that she was crazy for me.....god did i hate myself that day....that week, month...that YEAR! regret fills me to this day. i could have prevented my own social disgrace and akwardness. if only i had had the courage...just one day for 3 FUCKING YEARS! cant believe....i might have been ...happy? doesnt seem to work that way for the boob guy. yet its my own fault. i let her slip away like desert sand through my fingers. guess middle skool was a disaster, like i said. i tried, failed, and ended my quest.
i guess all in all, im just saying that i wish that this valentine's day, i had someone to spend it with. someone special to me. wont happen in the next...37 minutes, tho...its 11:23. oh well. another lonely day. might as well have gotten used to it by now...