The WoRst ReLaTionShiP
http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2016/12/the-worst-relationship-of-your-life-will-be-with-a-boy-youre-semi-serious-with/
The above article really hit home; most notably because I am the boy in the article. I am the boy that begins a relationship, escalates it to the semi-serious stage and maintains that level of relationship - refusing to escalate it or moving closer to commitment. As ashamed as I am of it, I have gotten rather good at it over the years. The article describes my behavior exactly, "never labeling you his girlfriend", "never making promises", and of course the notion of being silent at pivotal moments that leads to assuming "he was always on the edge of spilling his feelings for you".
The article continues on with the truth, the hard truth, the absolute truth: In all of this sleight of hand and carefully crafted words and action, there is no commitment - only the false hope that something will change in the future.
“He still hasn’t committed to you, because he’s not ready for a real relationship. Or because he’s not fully convinced that you’re the right one for him. Or because he’s a stupid, clueless boy that’s lost in his own chaotic world. The reason doesn’t matter. The results matter. The fact that he’s not going to stick around matters.”
The only part of the article that is incorrect is the notion of not feeling guilty, "It’s going to hurt, because he led you on enough to break your heart, but not enough to feel guilty about breaking your heart."
Only a soulless monster would not feel guilty about breaking a woman's heart and as such those haunting memories of pain and heartache have plagued me over the past few years. In the dead of the night I remember the moment when [she] hugged me close and stated in the most loving and admiring tone, "I love you [OBliVioN]" only to have my body react with terror at the thought of the relationship escalating further. Or when the end of another relationship was in sight and [she] tugged at my shirt with tears in her eyes, fearful of what the future would hold and where we would go from here. Or when [she] hysterically cried out, "Why are you dating if you don't want a committed relationship?" with tears rolling down her face. Or not kissing [her] under the cold winter night amidst the backdrop of thousands of Christmas lights. Or waking up in the dead of the night to rush out of the apartment because I didn’t want [her] to think things were getting too serious. Or the first time [we] made love and my body tensed so violently at the thought of us getting close. Or the moment of returning silence when she asked if I was [her] boyfriend...
It's haunting moments like that that never really leave you. To lead someone to a moment of complete heartbreak and devastation, or to simply stay silent when they vow their love for you, is nothing sort of a crime-against-love; a crime I am undeniably guilty of. The heartache does go both ways though. I still think of those that I’ve hurt, the relationships that have failed and have never really been able to get over those. They stay there in the back of your mind lingering on and usually manifesting in the midnight hour or around 2:00 am - depending on the events of the day.
I'm.....I'm sorry.