[In†oxica†eD]
I guess I should preface this entry by stating that I am intoxicated.
I quit my job. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it means a lot to me. It actually means a shitload to me.I left all my friends in an effort to return to school and seek further education. Though they all consistently stated I have made the "correct decision", the hesitation in their eyes gives me reason to doubt. The firm handshake at the end of the night, and the glance in the eyes, speaks volumes against the proposed promise of "Yea we won't fall apart, we won't lose connection.” I know how that promise works, and I know that I’ve lost all of you in my decision to leave and return to school. I could cry at the thought of losing all of you, for once in my life I have found a family and I have left them to pursue solitary interests.
My last night a few of my coworkers came out to celebrate; it was one of those nights where you found out who your friends are. We bs'ed the entire night only to have 12:30AM creep up like a cancer. I knew the end would eventually arrive, I knew it would come sooner than expected, and it did.
"Hey man, I got to jet, but it was awesome working with you."
"Yea it was, stay in touch man!"
"Ohh, I will."
Lies. I know exactly how the story goes and the story ends with him disappearing in the night, ending everything with a firm handshake that is a testament to the lack of control that men possess. I thought it would end with more of a bang, but it ended in a quiet whimper with my closest friends pretending like this was not the end, that there was a tomorrow and that I would be there working tomorrow.
Throughout the entire night the ominous quote rang through my mind, "And what if there were no tomorrow? Would that change things? Would things be different?"
I guess I am just tired of losing people, and as such, I am tired of losing the only family that I have ever had. I almost want to base my entire career and future on what other people are doing, "If I stay, does that mean we can be friends?” I hate how the tide of life carries you apart from those you most care about. I just feel so shitty. For so long I wished for solitude, for the chance to start over, but now that I’m given that chance I’m praying for the ability to retain what I’ve gained, retain the friends that I’m losing.
I just wish thing were different, that money didn’t govern all. I just wish we would not fall apart, but in the end, that’s just how things turn out.
I quit my job. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it means a lot to me. It actually means a shitload to me.I left all my friends in an effort to return to school and seek further education. Though they all consistently stated I have made the "correct decision", the hesitation in their eyes gives me reason to doubt. The firm handshake at the end of the night, and the glance in the eyes, speaks volumes against the proposed promise of "Yea we won't fall apart, we won't lose connection.” I know how that promise works, and I know that I’ve lost all of you in my decision to leave and return to school. I could cry at the thought of losing all of you, for once in my life I have found a family and I have left them to pursue solitary interests.
My last night a few of my coworkers came out to celebrate; it was one of those nights where you found out who your friends are. We bs'ed the entire night only to have 12:30AM creep up like a cancer. I knew the end would eventually arrive, I knew it would come sooner than expected, and it did.
"Hey man, I got to jet, but it was awesome working with you."
"Yea it was, stay in touch man!"
"Ohh, I will."
Lies. I know exactly how the story goes and the story ends with him disappearing in the night, ending everything with a firm handshake that is a testament to the lack of control that men possess. I thought it would end with more of a bang, but it ended in a quiet whimper with my closest friends pretending like this was not the end, that there was a tomorrow and that I would be there working tomorrow.
Throughout the entire night the ominous quote rang through my mind, "And what if there were no tomorrow? Would that change things? Would things be different?"
I guess I am just tired of losing people, and as such, I am tired of losing the only family that I have ever had. I almost want to base my entire career and future on what other people are doing, "If I stay, does that mean we can be friends?” I hate how the tide of life carries you apart from those you most care about. I just feel so shitty. For so long I wished for solitude, for the chance to start over, but now that I’m given that chance I’m praying for the ability to retain what I’ve gained, retain the friends that I’m losing.
I just wish thing were different, that money didn’t govern all. I just wish we would not fall apart, but in the end, that’s just how things turn out.