(no subject)
wow, a real update.
i am so torn right now, so in between. it's always fun during the day, in the middle of all the action, all the fun & magic that is summer and the people at camp. at night, things tend to come crashing down, whether it's my fault or just circumstance. i don't know that i want to go back to smith yet. i want to see kate & sarah, i want to sing with the 'reens (but not have any group drama). i want to see what's going to happen with erica. but i don't want to be judged, i don't want to have uncomfortable situations, and i don't want to be a mean person anymore. i think. this was never me; what happened?
i can be so manipulative. this summer has been the least needy i have ever seen myself. i have been so detached, so distanced, from everyone, even those whom i never thought i would distance myself. at the same time, it's the attention i crave and i know that. wow, honesty. where did you come from? but i feel awful. i have so much love in my heart; it is not black (as i let myself think sometimes). there was too much hurt this year, this is a defense mechanism.
maybe i do want to go back home to smith. it is home, after all. the fact that my brazilian was, yet again, the most relaxing part of my day makes me want camp to end soon. but the people - gosh. i love them & hate them, all at the same time. maybe i just love & hate who i am with them. maybe it's just who i am.
on the plus side, i cheated my way into a first-place victory in the anawan shoot out, for the second consecutive year. this time it was almost fair, though. i just had more twizzlers to give away than evan did.
i've been here so long i think that its time to move
the winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
love&glitter.