They're all liars in the back room. Watch them go down.
I thought that maybe you could be the one to save me,
but now I see it is up to me again.
But it's alright.
Just take a seat.
What will be this time?
A friendly smile, a wanting glance, a stretched cliche?
I've got them all packaged neatly and
ready to disperse.
Just let me read your information
that lists all your ills.
I'll climb the ladder to see what I can offer you.
Let's see.
For pain and heartache:
I will say "there are more fish in the sea,"
give you a compassionate hug to send you on your way.
But never let you in.
It's not me that can quite cure you.
Well, I am not so naive as to get involved.
For general distress:
I believe a smile will do.
I hear it's the best medicine
or maybe it's laughter so I will play the fool for you.
For broken dreams:
There is an empty bottle that will not cure you,
but I can not offer anything more.
My lost dreams have used up that stock.
Ha, yes it is 8:00 in the morning, and I am typing in this thing...most likely driving my roommate nuts. Considering I did not get in bed until sometime around 3, this early morning is going to hit me like a bus in the library later today. I really couldn't sleep. I wake up and my mind just goes. This used to happened to me all the time last year. I think it simultaneously occurs when I am faced with several occurences that reinforce that I may be destined for the life of a being bitter and self-righteous. The above was written in one of those times freshman year. (yes, something I have written finally made it in here. Enjoy. It won't happen too often)
Anyways, I have NO idea what I am doing here. and I know that I do not have to know, but I hate that I just can't grasp the apparently simplest things, like why it is always ok to chalk something up to being drunk. Basically the story line of college, get drunk and you can get on someone, get drunk and hurt someone, get drunk and say something you don't mean...but no worries, you are drunk! People will accept that. No one protests when you say "I think I will get trashed tonight", but I mention homework, oh no! we obviously CAN NOT have that. And you will close up your ears as soon as I start this tirade. Why? Because I am being self-righteous and no one wants to hear what they are doing is wrong. Important fact: Just because something is common doesn't mean it is an intelligent or healthy thing to do. And yes, I do drink occasionally, but I am well aware of when to stop. I don't know, I don't know...why is that so hard to understand? and I hate getting like this because it detaches me even more from my peers.
So Friday night, Che and I went to this memorial service for the 4 women killed in El Salvador in 1980. We were the only ones there under 60 so it was quite the interesting experience, but what really made the whole thing memorable was the fact that I started thinking about the possibility of sisterhood again. When I think about being a nun, I become extremely sad, and I ended up sobbing in my bed for a good portion of the night.
As much as I am different from the masses, sometimes I just don't want to be. So I decided what if I tried to think/ be like everyone else. Well, that didn't last long because I spent all yesterday in the library, studying. At night I realized I will always be the fucking "good girl", the "conscience", whatever...which in turn results in me being a professional "two-week-girl." The boy wants to make some sort of change in his life to improve himself and then he finds a girl who looks amazing on paper:going to be a doctor, hard-working, kind to children and puppies(well, not Bullwinkle hehe) And this is attractive to the boy because she embodies characteristics that he wants to have for himself. Even though, the girl doesn't want to get hurt again, she has the damn maternal instinct and everyone tells her to give him a chance and that you need to "carpe diem" to live life, but it is never a good situation because the boy is afraid of doing anything wrong. He doesn't want to hurt or upset his "good girl" because apparently if a girl has morals or is determined, she probably is fragile and easily upset. So either the boy feels repressed and screws up to show the girl he can not be controlled or the girl gets impatient with how slow things are moving and because of past scars doubts his motivations. The situation disintegrates; the girl is left with the echo "I knew it would end like this." A month or so later, the girl is faced with the boy and her "replacement" and well, let's just say they are pretty comfortable with each other. So it took 2 weeks for him to finally hold the good girl's hand, but it's been 5 days and he is already holding a lot more of the new one...and even though this is supposed to make the girl feel better (he respected her and all that) she feels used and rejected, but for some reason she can not be angry or bitter which just leads her to be more so...
Whew! well, glad I got that all out. I just wish I appreciated my uniqueness more or it was easier to not care at all.
but now I see it is up to me again.
But it's alright.
Just take a seat.
What will be this time?
A friendly smile, a wanting glance, a stretched cliche?
I've got them all packaged neatly and
ready to disperse.
Just let me read your information
that lists all your ills.
I'll climb the ladder to see what I can offer you.
Let's see.
For pain and heartache:
I will say "there are more fish in the sea,"
give you a compassionate hug to send you on your way.
But never let you in.
It's not me that can quite cure you.
Well, I am not so naive as to get involved.
For general distress:
I believe a smile will do.
I hear it's the best medicine
or maybe it's laughter so I will play the fool for you.
For broken dreams:
There is an empty bottle that will not cure you,
but I can not offer anything more.
My lost dreams have used up that stock.
Ha, yes it is 8:00 in the morning, and I am typing in this thing...most likely driving my roommate nuts. Considering I did not get in bed until sometime around 3, this early morning is going to hit me like a bus in the library later today. I really couldn't sleep. I wake up and my mind just goes. This used to happened to me all the time last year. I think it simultaneously occurs when I am faced with several occurences that reinforce that I may be destined for the life of a being bitter and self-righteous. The above was written in one of those times freshman year. (yes, something I have written finally made it in here. Enjoy. It won't happen too often)
Anyways, I have NO idea what I am doing here. and I know that I do not have to know, but I hate that I just can't grasp the apparently simplest things, like why it is always ok to chalk something up to being drunk. Basically the story line of college, get drunk and you can get on someone, get drunk and hurt someone, get drunk and say something you don't mean...but no worries, you are drunk! People will accept that. No one protests when you say "I think I will get trashed tonight", but I mention homework, oh no! we obviously CAN NOT have that. And you will close up your ears as soon as I start this tirade. Why? Because I am being self-righteous and no one wants to hear what they are doing is wrong. Important fact: Just because something is common doesn't mean it is an intelligent or healthy thing to do. And yes, I do drink occasionally, but I am well aware of when to stop. I don't know, I don't know...why is that so hard to understand? and I hate getting like this because it detaches me even more from my peers.
So Friday night, Che and I went to this memorial service for the 4 women killed in El Salvador in 1980. We were the only ones there under 60 so it was quite the interesting experience, but what really made the whole thing memorable was the fact that I started thinking about the possibility of sisterhood again. When I think about being a nun, I become extremely sad, and I ended up sobbing in my bed for a good portion of the night.
As much as I am different from the masses, sometimes I just don't want to be. So I decided what if I tried to think/ be like everyone else. Well, that didn't last long because I spent all yesterday in the library, studying. At night I realized I will always be the fucking "good girl", the "conscience", whatever...which in turn results in me being a professional "two-week-girl." The boy wants to make some sort of change in his life to improve himself and then he finds a girl who looks amazing on paper:going to be a doctor, hard-working, kind to children and puppies(well, not Bullwinkle hehe) And this is attractive to the boy because she embodies characteristics that he wants to have for himself. Even though, the girl doesn't want to get hurt again, she has the damn maternal instinct and everyone tells her to give him a chance and that you need to "carpe diem" to live life, but it is never a good situation because the boy is afraid of doing anything wrong. He doesn't want to hurt or upset his "good girl" because apparently if a girl has morals or is determined, she probably is fragile and easily upset. So either the boy feels repressed and screws up to show the girl he can not be controlled or the girl gets impatient with how slow things are moving and because of past scars doubts his motivations. The situation disintegrates; the girl is left with the echo "I knew it would end like this." A month or so later, the girl is faced with the boy and her "replacement" and well, let's just say they are pretty comfortable with each other. So it took 2 weeks for him to finally hold the good girl's hand, but it's been 5 days and he is already holding a lot more of the new one...and even though this is supposed to make the girl feel better (he respected her and all that) she feels used and rejected, but for some reason she can not be angry or bitter which just leads her to be more so...
Whew! well, glad I got that all out. I just wish I appreciated my uniqueness more or it was easier to not care at all.