losing and it's effortless
Hello cyberworld!
I know no one is really reading this. but what the heck. it's a way to voice out my inner thoughts. so what have i been doing lately? school and work pretty much the mundane life of me. I'm so glad however of having Cait in my life. it's funny how i can be so corny and weird and she still finds it charming. she always tells me that she loves me unconditionally and without restraint. it all sounds so great. but the more she says it the more i get scared. not because i don't believe her or anything. it's just that, i've never grown so attached to anybody so much and so fast with her. i don't like the saying "easy come, easy go" be a mantra in our relationship. It is all but a huge rollercoaster ride for me emotionally right now. I know God is testing my stability and my faith in him when he threw me all these challenges in a single year. I am so full of different emotions and I just don't know what to do. I have never been so comfortable with anyone. I've never shared anything as much as i have shared things with her with no hesitation. I wish I can spend my whole life with her already. So is this what it really feels like to be "in-love"? ha-ha-ha. I bet whoever you are reading this are laughing with how "mushy" this post is. But you know what, I am here for your entertainment. Read on my friend.
So today marks our 6th month anniversary. Yes, I value months. It feels like it's been longer. Probably because of all the things we have gone through together as well. I do admit I am somewhat of a jealous type. I have never been like this before. I guess it's because when you value someone the more you don't ever wanna let go of them. That's what I am afraid of, losing her. I get scared when that day comes that she sees how amazing and beautiful she is. Like how she is smart and so independent that she can very much well take care of herself. She can get any guy that she wants. It's not so hard falling in-love with her. She's this very endearing person. She is religious (more than me, i feel really ashamed I have neglected Him throughout these trying years) I guess, what I am trying to rationalize is that. How come she chose to be with me? I am no special person? Not that I know of. I am not the most loving of son, or the best brother every sibling wanted. As a matter of fact I cause tension in our family whenever I speak my mind. I unknowingly hurt them, and in return I hurt myself. Not physically mind you, but emotionally. All i want is them to be proud of me and know that I can take care of myself and trust me to make the right decisions in my life. How can I be so naive? I don't live in a life filled with joy and love all the time. I have become somewhat robotic. I do not succumb to my emotions and the needs others before I do. My actions say otherwise, but I feel like what I am doing is what is expected out of me. Like there is a manual for "how to..." that is embedded in my mind.
School has lost it's spark for me. I value my education but my priorities have changed. I no longer thirst for the prestigious Ivy league undergraduate school. I just wanna finish my degree and move on to Medical school. It's sad, i guess i m growing up. It's pathetic. ha-ha-ha i would have never imagined saying this in a million years. I guess, the million years have passed.
I am writing this in Cait's dorm room. She's in class right now and is going to be back in probably 45 minutes from class. I know her parents are not approved of me sleeping over at her place. I know that we both want us spending time with each other closing our eyes seeing the other person and waking up seeing the other person again. I don't expect her to hide or lie to her parents about what we're doing. I'm so conflicted. I want it never to end. At the same time I do not want to cause a tension between her and her family. They're the ones who took care of her. Not me. She just met me half a year ago. I can never measure up to her family. But I am here for her. Every step of the way. I know she doesn't really need me. But whenever she needs that extra boost, that little nudge. I hope she knows I am here.
Wow, I have written a lot! I haven't written so much nonsense in forever! ha-ha-ha. I am scared for the next semester. I know it's gonna be very trying for the both of us. We are going to tackle harder classes. I need to focus and she does too. Whenever I get into hard classes I tend to shutdown my emotions. I get too absorbed in my lessons that I lose track of everyone else. I am scared that I would neglect Cait. I don't want her to think I am ignoring her. I need to be a better student. I need to make it to Medical School. I want her to be right there with me.
Okay, for you who's reading this. I will stop for now. Let you waste your time doing something else.
I know no one is really reading this. but what the heck. it's a way to voice out my inner thoughts. so what have i been doing lately? school and work pretty much the mundane life of me. I'm so glad however of having Cait in my life. it's funny how i can be so corny and weird and she still finds it charming. she always tells me that she loves me unconditionally and without restraint. it all sounds so great. but the more she says it the more i get scared. not because i don't believe her or anything. it's just that, i've never grown so attached to anybody so much and so fast with her. i don't like the saying "easy come, easy go" be a mantra in our relationship. It is all but a huge rollercoaster ride for me emotionally right now. I know God is testing my stability and my faith in him when he threw me all these challenges in a single year. I am so full of different emotions and I just don't know what to do. I have never been so comfortable with anyone. I've never shared anything as much as i have shared things with her with no hesitation. I wish I can spend my whole life with her already. So is this what it really feels like to be "in-love"? ha-ha-ha. I bet whoever you are reading this are laughing with how "mushy" this post is. But you know what, I am here for your entertainment. Read on my friend.
So today marks our 6th month anniversary. Yes, I value months. It feels like it's been longer. Probably because of all the things we have gone through together as well. I do admit I am somewhat of a jealous type. I have never been like this before. I guess it's because when you value someone the more you don't ever wanna let go of them. That's what I am afraid of, losing her. I get scared when that day comes that she sees how amazing and beautiful she is. Like how she is smart and so independent that she can very much well take care of herself. She can get any guy that she wants. It's not so hard falling in-love with her. She's this very endearing person. She is religious (more than me, i feel really ashamed I have neglected Him throughout these trying years) I guess, what I am trying to rationalize is that. How come she chose to be with me? I am no special person? Not that I know of. I am not the most loving of son, or the best brother every sibling wanted. As a matter of fact I cause tension in our family whenever I speak my mind. I unknowingly hurt them, and in return I hurt myself. Not physically mind you, but emotionally. All i want is them to be proud of me and know that I can take care of myself and trust me to make the right decisions in my life. How can I be so naive? I don't live in a life filled with joy and love all the time. I have become somewhat robotic. I do not succumb to my emotions and the needs others before I do. My actions say otherwise, but I feel like what I am doing is what is expected out of me. Like there is a manual for "how to..." that is embedded in my mind.
School has lost it's spark for me. I value my education but my priorities have changed. I no longer thirst for the prestigious Ivy league undergraduate school. I just wanna finish my degree and move on to Medical school. It's sad, i guess i m growing up. It's pathetic. ha-ha-ha i would have never imagined saying this in a million years. I guess, the million years have passed.
I am writing this in Cait's dorm room. She's in class right now and is going to be back in probably 45 minutes from class. I know her parents are not approved of me sleeping over at her place. I know that we both want us spending time with each other closing our eyes seeing the other person and waking up seeing the other person again. I don't expect her to hide or lie to her parents about what we're doing. I'm so conflicted. I want it never to end. At the same time I do not want to cause a tension between her and her family. They're the ones who took care of her. Not me. She just met me half a year ago. I can never measure up to her family. But I am here for her. Every step of the way. I know she doesn't really need me. But whenever she needs that extra boost, that little nudge. I hope she knows I am here.
Wow, I have written a lot! I haven't written so much nonsense in forever! ha-ha-ha. I am scared for the next semester. I know it's gonna be very trying for the both of us. We are going to tackle harder classes. I need to focus and she does too. Whenever I get into hard classes I tend to shutdown my emotions. I get too absorbed in my lessons that I lose track of everyone else. I am scared that I would neglect Cait. I don't want her to think I am ignoring her. I need to be a better student. I need to make it to Medical School. I want her to be right there with me.
Okay, for you who's reading this. I will stop for now. Let you waste your time doing something else.