I can't let it go, it was never mine to hold. (Entry 222)
When all the world is blossoming
When everything around is bursting into life
And I don't have to strain to hear the beat of Your heart
(I actually wrote this a few days ago, but for some reason it didn't actually post. So I'm just posting it.) I keep struggling to break free of this feeling in my heart. Where everything keeps reminding me of my loneliness. The stupidity of my mistake of falling in love and not being able to let go of that feeling. Ugh. It disgusts me, mostly. I made a promise to a friend of mine that I'd talk to him, that I'd become complete with my past with this guy. And I'm so afraid of that, because I'm so afraid of losing him. I'm so afraid that I'll ruin our future. But isn't that just ridiculous, too, if I think about it? Because if we aren't entirely honest with each other now, how will that make any possible future any better anyways? It's soooo ridiculous. And if nothing is to happen or whether it is, this will make the clearing for that to take place, open up into sunlight and hope for the future, instead of being overgrown by the thorns that just end up hurting us again anyways.
When all the world is under fire
When the skies are threatening to thunder and rain
And I am overcome by fears that I can't see
I just need to let God in again, to let hope in, to let all the things of this world wash over me and look forward with hope and love in my eyes. I'm not going to be beaten by this. I'm strong. Things should be resolved tomorrow. I'm tired of this dance, of not being real with him, him not being real with me. I'm tired of the inconsistencies, I'm tired of the omissions, I want him to really be my friend again. For us to have a real relationship, not one that dances around the tough stuff, the stuff we don't want to see, don't want to think about. And once all the inauthenticity is freed, acknowledged and disposed of, we can start anew. New tomorrows, wonder and beauty, not just with him, but within all my relationships. Because I've been holding back because of what happened with him. Giving everyone bits and pieces of who I am while still holding back so much. I can't do that anymore!!! I won't. I've been down that path before and it only brings unhappiness. Hope, love, trust, are all possible again. Let God in.
Who could command the stars to sing
Or hold the raging seas from breaking through the doors
And tend the fragile roses with the very same hands?
When everything around is bursting into life
And I don't have to strain to hear the beat of Your heart
(I actually wrote this a few days ago, but for some reason it didn't actually post. So I'm just posting it.) I keep struggling to break free of this feeling in my heart. Where everything keeps reminding me of my loneliness. The stupidity of my mistake of falling in love and not being able to let go of that feeling. Ugh. It disgusts me, mostly. I made a promise to a friend of mine that I'd talk to him, that I'd become complete with my past with this guy. And I'm so afraid of that, because I'm so afraid of losing him. I'm so afraid that I'll ruin our future. But isn't that just ridiculous, too, if I think about it? Because if we aren't entirely honest with each other now, how will that make any possible future any better anyways? It's soooo ridiculous. And if nothing is to happen or whether it is, this will make the clearing for that to take place, open up into sunlight and hope for the future, instead of being overgrown by the thorns that just end up hurting us again anyways.
When all the world is under fire
When the skies are threatening to thunder and rain
And I am overcome by fears that I can't see
I just need to let God in again, to let hope in, to let all the things of this world wash over me and look forward with hope and love in my eyes. I'm not going to be beaten by this. I'm strong. Things should be resolved tomorrow. I'm tired of this dance, of not being real with him, him not being real with me. I'm tired of the inconsistencies, I'm tired of the omissions, I want him to really be my friend again. For us to have a real relationship, not one that dances around the tough stuff, the stuff we don't want to see, don't want to think about. And once all the inauthenticity is freed, acknowledged and disposed of, we can start anew. New tomorrows, wonder and beauty, not just with him, but within all my relationships. Because I've been holding back because of what happened with him. Giving everyone bits and pieces of who I am while still holding back so much. I can't do that anymore!!! I won't. I've been down that path before and it only brings unhappiness. Hope, love, trust, are all possible again. Let God in.
Who could command the stars to sing
Or hold the raging seas from breaking through the doors
And tend the fragile roses with the very same hands?