(no subject)
Christmas time.
Just another day...funny how this morning i went to the christmas church service with my parents; how the preacher talked about how we should not only care about materialistic things under the tree, but how we should give spiritual gifts as well. "Forgiveness" and such. He said that Christmas wasn't just about family and friends, but also about being with the ones who hurt, too. What a bunch of bull. It pissed me off to see the audience nodd their heads in agreement because I know that they're all just a bunch of hypocrites; and that includes my parents. They don't really care about the people who hurt. Or, atleast, they don't care about me. Aren't churches supposed to be places where you can feel loved? I never got as much as a sincere "Hello".
My parents are the worst. We came home from church and and I went to lie down on my bed for awhile because I had this massive headache. My dad told me to come down because this wasn't a hotel and I had to help set up lunch. He started rambling on and on about how I should remember who feeds me and that my attitude needs to change; how it's not my attitude that feeds me; how I can't just eat whenever I feel like it. I didn't look at him or answer him; I tried to ignore him...
"What, you just suddenly turned into an idiot?" Thank you father, for saying that. I must say I appreciate it...how you shower all this fatherly love on me with meaningful words that just make my heart filled with joy because I have such a wonderful family. Fuck you. I say this with the most sincerity, and I hope you die. I've been wishing that you would disown me and kick me out of the house, because everything seems better than here. I can't stand being in your presence. I hate feeling pathetic when you abuse me with words I know you fully mean, trying to choke back the tears that just help me go to sleep at night. I hate how I can't fight back and defend myself. I hate how everytime I achieve something, he's not there; but only there when I fail. It stinks, really. Pity I have no intention of dying...but I really have no will to really live, either.
You'd think that Christmas would be a day that's just a little bit more enjoyable than the rest, no matter how commercialized and superficial it is. But it's really not. It's another day filled with enough time to take out your stress and troubles on other people; to say both things you mean and don't mean. Another day to tell lies and to inflict pain to others.
Merry Christmas, indeed.