(no subject)
Yesterday was a very rough day.. and it felt like all I did was go to work.
Rick and i have been trying, and not very hard, to patch things up between us.. be it as friends, or lovers or whatever, the both of us realized that we want each other in each others lives.
I'm currently in a relationship (post for another time).. which puts an unusual and sometimes painful twist into the things I'm trying to accomplish with Rick.
I'm trying to make these massive changes in my life to better who i am as a person, and believe me, it is not an easy task. As a matter of fact, a secret came to light last night.. something that should have been said after it happened... and definately something that shouldn't have been done to begin with. I'm pretty sure the intensity that had to be used in order to keep this secret is a contributing factor in why Rick and I sepereated.
I'm not very happy with myself and a lot of the choices that I've made for myself.. these choices have pushed me away from my friends and people I care about and want to be around. I realized that my phone doesn't ring as much anymore.
These are things I'm trying to fix and recreate in my life. If there is rumors and gossip that float about me, I'd like to clear the air and reestablish myself as a decent person.. one who just has the same daily problems as everyone else.
It's very hard starting at the bottom. I keep repeating, be it cliche, "Think outside the box".
I feel like I'm groaping in the dark for important implements that I've never seen before.
I want to be around people I care about, people I consider friends, but I fear that my actions have chased them away.. I want to reattach myself to the creativity that I once had. I want people to understand how difficult it's been for me to deal with my thyroid condition that I'm still dealing with (I still need one more radiation treatment), and what it does to me mentally and physically..
The secret that surfaced last night, when was finally disucssed, left me feeling rather violated and vulnerable.. but at the same time.. left me feeling very "emptied", like having finally cleaned up that mess in your house that you've grown accustomed to seeing every day of your life (and almost miss, but overjoyed that it's gone). I might have completely lost Rick over it.. and that hurts a lot, but I'm willing to accept responsibility for my actions *sigh*.
We will see how this day goes.. if I don't stop now, this will go on, and I'll be late for work..
Rick and i have been trying, and not very hard, to patch things up between us.. be it as friends, or lovers or whatever, the both of us realized that we want each other in each others lives.
I'm currently in a relationship (post for another time).. which puts an unusual and sometimes painful twist into the things I'm trying to accomplish with Rick.
I'm trying to make these massive changes in my life to better who i am as a person, and believe me, it is not an easy task. As a matter of fact, a secret came to light last night.. something that should have been said after it happened... and definately something that shouldn't have been done to begin with. I'm pretty sure the intensity that had to be used in order to keep this secret is a contributing factor in why Rick and I sepereated.
I'm not very happy with myself and a lot of the choices that I've made for myself.. these choices have pushed me away from my friends and people I care about and want to be around. I realized that my phone doesn't ring as much anymore.
These are things I'm trying to fix and recreate in my life. If there is rumors and gossip that float about me, I'd like to clear the air and reestablish myself as a decent person.. one who just has the same daily problems as everyone else.
It's very hard starting at the bottom. I keep repeating, be it cliche, "Think outside the box".
I feel like I'm groaping in the dark for important implements that I've never seen before.
I want to be around people I care about, people I consider friends, but I fear that my actions have chased them away.. I want to reattach myself to the creativity that I once had. I want people to understand how difficult it's been for me to deal with my thyroid condition that I'm still dealing with (I still need one more radiation treatment), and what it does to me mentally and physically..
The secret that surfaced last night, when was finally disucssed, left me feeling rather violated and vulnerable.. but at the same time.. left me feeling very "emptied", like having finally cleaned up that mess in your house that you've grown accustomed to seeing every day of your life (and almost miss, but overjoyed that it's gone). I might have completely lost Rick over it.. and that hurts a lot, but I'm willing to accept responsibility for my actions *sigh*.
We will see how this day goes.. if I don't stop now, this will go on, and I'll be late for work..