Can't deal right now.

[nztokiohotelier]

I'm just at the point where I really can not deal with my family life anymore. It's not even my family, it's my mums family. For those of you who aren't up to speed with the whole situation:

• I have a younger cousin; she's 18. She's been a complete waste of space essentially since the very day she was born. From the age of 14 she moved out of home and left high school. She's been fired from the only 2 jobs she's ever had, for stealing money from the till. She hasn't had a job for the past 2 years, and has been on a government benefit, and basically has slept her way through Auckland. 
• She's been arrested so many times I've lost count, for shoplifting, driving without a license in a stolen vehicle, possession of drugs etc
• She's pregnant. Infact, she's about to give birth (well, in 6 weeks). 
• She is still taking drugs whilst pregnant, and no one will say anything about it. She's on meth. Whilst pregnant. And a whole shit tonne of weed.

The problem being that the second she was knocked up, everyone is fawning all over her. I'm FUCKING SICK OF IT. She doesn't have a job, but her pregnancy benefit is $680 a week. A WEEK. And her mother, as well as my mother, insist on buying her all her baby stuff. Piles of clothes, prams, bassinets, whatever she needs, whilst she spends her benefit on drugs and other fucking stuff. This girl is the SCUM. OF. THE. EARTH. I've just told you how she lives her life, so why on EARTH does she deserve anything at all?! The minute she was knocked up, everyone should have pulled out all the stops to get her to have an abortion, but because no one did, instead they're giving her EVERYTHING she needs to raise a baby.



My mum refuses to buy me anything, and I'm her DAUGHTER. But she thinks nothing of lavishing Chloe with presents. The other thing being that she has spent the last few weeks knitting her baby clothes and hats. As if she's going to fucking appreciating it!

I've been a solid good kid my whole life; I've stayed entirely out of trouble, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm not pregnant. I'm in my final year of my first degree at university, and every day of my life that I'm not at university I'm at work. That's right, since the age of 15, I've had a job. However I've never been good enough for my mums side of the family. Nothing I do is good enough for them.

On  Christmas day, all of this was solidified for me. I spent Christmas dinner with my mums family, and from the minute I walked in the door (after having worked a full shift for 9 hours at work) I was completely ignored. My grandfather refused to speak to me the whole meal, but instead he lavished attention on Chloe, and her boyfriend/knock-er-up-er. My grandparents bought him presents too, good presents. I got $20 petrol vouchers. For Christmas.

I just want everyone to ignore her. I want people to stop buying her presents, and I want everyone to say "well, you've got yourself in to this mess, so good fucking luck". I want the attention I deserve. No one called me to say "oh, well congratulations on coming in the top 10% of your year group at university this year" because EVERYONE IS FIXATED WITH CHLOE. I'm just SICK of it. And tonight it all peaked when my mum asked me what colour the baby hat she is knitting should be. I lost my fucking cool.

I hate it. And you know what really upsets me? I'm the oldest grandchild. It should be me first. So now, as a matter of pride, I've gone back to saying to everyone that I never want to have kids. It's a matter of pride.

I'm just so upset. I can't deal anymore. I'm slipping in to the shadows, and no one cares.