a boring ramble; read if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you.
I'm getting very impatient with myself, my neuroses, my bad habits, my depression- Especially the depression. I wish I could just get over myself, you know? I've been making an effort not to get so wrapped up in my shit, and for the most part it's working but only in very superficial ways. I'm only distracting myself, rather than working through this. I think I'm just lazy.
Very lazy. I hardly have the energy for anything. This week of classes was hell to get through, despite the fact that I'm only taking four classes, one of them an art class that requires very little intellectual energy. It's been more a matter of letting my creative impulses lead me, and not getting in my own way.
Still, even that's a pain in the ass. I'd rather watch cartoons than be creative, or fuck around on the computer, or anything that occupies my mind with little to no effort on my part.
I took a shower today, first one all week. I told you I've been lazy. I'm still self-medicating with cigarettes and caffeine, subtle stimulants and cheap sedatives. And chocolate. Instant endorphins. Easier to eat a cookie than go hiking or dance or write or any of the other shit that I know would make me happy.
I've gotten into the habit of seeking out things that amuse me, rather than satisfy me. Last night I got stoned and watched Bjork videos. Then I had weird stoned dreams with a Bjork soundtrack, where I was in this dance company in a space that looked vaguely like the Great Room at my little alternative high school, and all the other dancers were bitches and someone was carrying around a live turkey and feeding it chocolate pudding while I was trying to get ready to go onstage. The opening riff "Army of Me" kept playing on repeat in my head.
I'm going to Vox Feminista tonight. Maybe that'll shock my lazy ass out of this creative rut.
I just wish it would fucking snow already. I'm done with autumn.
Very lazy. I hardly have the energy for anything. This week of classes was hell to get through, despite the fact that I'm only taking four classes, one of them an art class that requires very little intellectual energy. It's been more a matter of letting my creative impulses lead me, and not getting in my own way.
Still, even that's a pain in the ass. I'd rather watch cartoons than be creative, or fuck around on the computer, or anything that occupies my mind with little to no effort on my part.
I took a shower today, first one all week. I told you I've been lazy. I'm still self-medicating with cigarettes and caffeine, subtle stimulants and cheap sedatives. And chocolate. Instant endorphins. Easier to eat a cookie than go hiking or dance or write or any of the other shit that I know would make me happy.
I've gotten into the habit of seeking out things that amuse me, rather than satisfy me. Last night I got stoned and watched Bjork videos. Then I had weird stoned dreams with a Bjork soundtrack, where I was in this dance company in a space that looked vaguely like the Great Room at my little alternative high school, and all the other dancers were bitches and someone was carrying around a live turkey and feeding it chocolate pudding while I was trying to get ready to go onstage. The opening riff "Army of Me" kept playing on repeat in my head.
I'm going to Vox Feminista tonight. Maybe that'll shock my lazy ass out of this creative rut.
I just wish it would fucking snow already. I'm done with autumn.