The glory of being despised.
Adam died yesterday. Massive bleeding into the brain; even Overlake couldn't save him. Kathryn made a good call for herself by driving, Spencer showed kindness to me that I needed.
I wanted to be completely disconnected from everything all week, and now this shit happens. God, you can rot in hell. I want to be sick all week next week. I don't give a shit. I just need to get a few days to relax, and I can't take time off work - or I'll be behind schedule.
I jinxed my life by saying I needed a quiet week. Whenever I express longing for something, the EXACT OPPOSITE happens. God, you are a shithead.
Lets see - I wanted to have a relationship, and the only girl who'd get close to me stabbed me in the back.
I wanted to have money, and I may have to cancel college to support my parents. Hell, we may have to move somewhere cheaper this year.
I wanted to have friends, and this week I did something I shouldn't have, and lost my chance to be even remotely trusted.
I wanted to be successful, and instead, I am despised and used.
I wanted to be healthy, and my exsima and athsma have come back in full swing. If I collapse, don't even try to save me. I wouldn't want to continue if I had a choice.
I wanted to be treated as I treat others... fat chance.
People only care about themselves. All of you. I do what I do because I have this misguided belief it will benefit me. If that truck had gone for the corner, I would have turned so only I would be hit. You can say whatever the damn fucking hell you want (Justin) but you don't know JACK SHIT. You don't do a fraction of what I do for others, and yet you are given such privledges, such openness. You live a life of social privledge, and like to lord it over those (me) who start from scratch every day.
You have no fucking clue what it's like to want to do everything, to do EVERYTHING to be in a group, and have the group smack you away at every chance. Fuck you all.. I don't know why I even bother. Actually, I do. I'm a dumbass who thinks I can affect people into liking me by being the kindest goddamn sonofabitch I can. Besides, even as I rage at the cold shoulder, I will not return it. By refusing to sink to your level, I am better then you ever will be. I really don't give a shit if this insults you who read it, it may be time for a little of your own medicine. You need to realize that not everyone is as stubborn and as idiotic as I am, and that by treating outsiders the way you do, you screw yourself.
And yes, there are those in your group who seem to make an effort to insult me every time they see me. You know who you are, and I don't want to waste my time by writing your names into a shit list.
I'm furious. Hell, I'm beyond furious. This whole "unsafe driver" shit has got to stop. It's not the first time I've been labelled for your dissing pleasure... but I'll make it the last. Next time one of you tries to label me like that, I don't give a shit I will give you every label you deserve. Every label you define. You probably don't understand how much I am affected by this. For an example only one will get, it's like grass clippings getting thrown on me every day, every hour I attempt to be kind, to be liked. If you actually care enough to research that, you can ask Spence. I don't feel like sharing what I was like when I was as bad as the rest of you.
You can kick me as much as you damn well please; I'm a puppy. However, every kick you deliver sinks you more into the pit of your own cruelty.
I say this as though I don't care what you think. I believe now that I don't care what you think. I wish I could stop caring what others think of me. Even when I say, I mean, I think, I vow not to care, I still do. I hate being affected. I hate being a maverick. I hate me, and I hate me because I believe what others say about me.
You have my word that when push comes to shove, you matter more to me then I do. You also have my word, I don't even think for a second you have the slightest care for me. I need to get used to this, nobody will ever grant me the bond I grant others. If you want to dispute my statements here, you need to prove me wrong. Tom, Spence, and Twon, you have done so. However, nobody cares what I think, so nobody will even read this, much less act on my "suggestions" as to a change of behaviour.
Maybe in 10 years you may realize not everyone is as obsessed at being "in" as I am. Maybe in 10 years you may realize very few are willing to accept the slaps I accept to be part.
Maybe in 10 years I will have stopped trying to be liked. Maybe in 10 years, I'll be gone. I can only hope you see the light; then my life will not have been a failure.
I wanted to be completely disconnected from everything all week, and now this shit happens. God, you can rot in hell. I want to be sick all week next week. I don't give a shit. I just need to get a few days to relax, and I can't take time off work - or I'll be behind schedule.
I jinxed my life by saying I needed a quiet week. Whenever I express longing for something, the EXACT OPPOSITE happens. God, you are a shithead.
Lets see - I wanted to have a relationship, and the only girl who'd get close to me stabbed me in the back.
I wanted to have money, and I may have to cancel college to support my parents. Hell, we may have to move somewhere cheaper this year.
I wanted to have friends, and this week I did something I shouldn't have, and lost my chance to be even remotely trusted.
I wanted to be successful, and instead, I am despised and used.
I wanted to be healthy, and my exsima and athsma have come back in full swing. If I collapse, don't even try to save me. I wouldn't want to continue if I had a choice.
I wanted to be treated as I treat others... fat chance.
People only care about themselves. All of you. I do what I do because I have this misguided belief it will benefit me. If that truck had gone for the corner, I would have turned so only I would be hit. You can say whatever the damn fucking hell you want (Justin) but you don't know JACK SHIT. You don't do a fraction of what I do for others, and yet you are given such privledges, such openness. You live a life of social privledge, and like to lord it over those (me) who start from scratch every day.
You have no fucking clue what it's like to want to do everything, to do EVERYTHING to be in a group, and have the group smack you away at every chance. Fuck you all.. I don't know why I even bother. Actually, I do. I'm a dumbass who thinks I can affect people into liking me by being the kindest goddamn sonofabitch I can. Besides, even as I rage at the cold shoulder, I will not return it. By refusing to sink to your level, I am better then you ever will be. I really don't give a shit if this insults you who read it, it may be time for a little of your own medicine. You need to realize that not everyone is as stubborn and as idiotic as I am, and that by treating outsiders the way you do, you screw yourself.
And yes, there are those in your group who seem to make an effort to insult me every time they see me. You know who you are, and I don't want to waste my time by writing your names into a shit list.
I'm furious. Hell, I'm beyond furious. This whole "unsafe driver" shit has got to stop. It's not the first time I've been labelled for your dissing pleasure... but I'll make it the last. Next time one of you tries to label me like that, I don't give a shit I will give you every label you deserve. Every label you define. You probably don't understand how much I am affected by this. For an example only one will get, it's like grass clippings getting thrown on me every day, every hour I attempt to be kind, to be liked. If you actually care enough to research that, you can ask Spence. I don't feel like sharing what I was like when I was as bad as the rest of you.
You can kick me as much as you damn well please; I'm a puppy. However, every kick you deliver sinks you more into the pit of your own cruelty.
I say this as though I don't care what you think. I believe now that I don't care what you think. I wish I could stop caring what others think of me. Even when I say, I mean, I think, I vow not to care, I still do. I hate being affected. I hate being a maverick. I hate me, and I hate me because I believe what others say about me.
You have my word that when push comes to shove, you matter more to me then I do. You also have my word, I don't even think for a second you have the slightest care for me. I need to get used to this, nobody will ever grant me the bond I grant others. If you want to dispute my statements here, you need to prove me wrong. Tom, Spence, and Twon, you have done so. However, nobody cares what I think, so nobody will even read this, much less act on my "suggestions" as to a change of behaviour.
Maybe in 10 years you may realize not everyone is as obsessed at being "in" as I am. Maybe in 10 years you may realize very few are willing to accept the slaps I accept to be part.
Maybe in 10 years I will have stopped trying to be liked. Maybe in 10 years, I'll be gone. I can only hope you see the light; then my life will not have been a failure.