Finding Purpose (17/?)
Title: Finding Purpose (17/?)
Author: Nytel
Rating: R
Spoilers: Up to 213 (Epiphanies)
Pairing: Kara/Lee
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: When your whole life gets flipped upside down, you need to find a reason to go on.
Word Count: 4,306
Beta:
i_am_girlfriday
Warnings: There's sex in this chapter.
Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing them. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: This fic is AU after Epiphanies.
Chapter 17
Maggie tossed and turned in her bunk, unable to sleep yet again. No matter what she did, she couldn’t stop fixating on the fact that Zak was alive. She shouldn’t care, not after what he’d done to her, but she couldn’t help herself. They had had something real, something people spent a lifetime looking for. If someone had asked her any time during the year they’d dated, she would have said that he was the one. They’d made plans their future, and she knew that he’d felt the same way about her… at least until he met Starbuck.
She clenched her fists just thinking about the other woman, the woman who Zak obviously thought was better for him than her. It hurt to remember exactly how quickly she’d gone from being the center of his world, to just another cadet at the Academy. She’d never really been into big romantic gestures, but with Zak it had been different. He made her feel like she was the most important woman in the world. The second she became accustomed to it, he dumped her.
Their breakup had come as a complete shock. Everything had been going great between them. The only thing she could think of that might have spurred his actions was the discussion they had about him switching to raptors. Zak hadn’t wanted to be a viper pilot. He’d only enrolled in vipers because of his father and brother. Maggie had suggested he switch to raptors and become an ECO since he seemed to have a natural understanding of the instruments. She knew Zak, and she knew that being an ECO would make him much happier than being a viper jock ever would, but he wasn’t quick to agree. She knew that deep down he realized it was the truth, but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to let his father down like that.
They had disagreed over it, but never in a million years had she thought that it would drive Zak away. One night he didn’t come back to the dorms, and she’d been worried sick. She spent the entire weekend trying to track him down, terrified that something had happened to him. She never managed to find him, but about an hour before his first class of the week he’d shown up outside her dorm room. She couldn’t remember feeling more relieved in her entire life, but when she’d tried to show him that he wouldn’t let her. Instead he’d gone into some speech about how she wasn’t the right person for him. She didn’t remember any of the words exactly because the whole time she’d stood there reeling from shock.
Two days later she saw him in the local bar, hitting on his flight instructor.
Even thinking back on it she couldn’t help but feel like something about their breakup was wrong. Zak Adama was not a cold-hearted man who would break up with someone just for a fling with his flight instructor.
In spite of all that, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She’d never been able to move on, and now he was here, alive and on Galactica. All she wanted to do was to make sure that he was okay. She hated herself for needing to know.
Sighing, she pushed herself upright and turned on the small lamp on the shelf above her bed. Checking her watch she saw that it was only 23:00. The CAG would still be up, probably doing paperwork in his office. She was tempted to go and find him, to ask him about Zak.
The only thing stopping her was the knowledge that Zak didn’t need her anymore, he’d made that clear years ago. He had his precious Starbuck to look after him, not to mention both his father and brother.
It didn’t prevent her from worrying though. Just thinking of how his death had been faked and he’d been kept a prisoner of the cylons made her feel sick to her stomach. She felt like punching the bulkhead as she realized that she wasn’t going to get any rest until she at least knew he was okay.
Angrily she flicked off her light and slipped out of her bunk.
***
Lee rubbed at the knot of tension between his shoulder blades, but no matter how hard he massaged the muscles with his fingertips, they wouldn’t relax. He gave up and leaned back in his desk chair, picking up the flight schedule and skimming it over for any possible mistakes. Normally he’d have Kara go over it for him, but not now. He knew that she was barely holding herself together as it was.
For what seemed like the billionth time since last week, Lee wished that he could spare her from what she was going through. Every time he looked at her she just seemed so lost. The normal Starbuck bravado was gone, and all that was left was a confused Kara. Half the time she was withdrawn, too quiet and lackluster. The other half she was angry at anyone and everyone, picking fights with other pilots and pulling dangerous stunts on CAP.
He was so scared that she was going to get herself killed that all he wanted to do was revoke her flight status, but every time he took out the form to sign, he couldn’t make the pen move across the paper. He kept remembering the conversation they’d had in the rec room.
He had just admitted to her that he’d let go of the hole in his flight suit. She shocked the hell out of him by revealing that at one point in her life she had tried to kill herself. She said that as stupid as it sounded, everyone needed a reason to go on. Hers had been flying.
Lee sighed in frustration as he braced his elbows on the desk of his office. As the CAG he should revoke her flight status; her flying was irresponsible, but as her friend he just couldn’t take that away from her. The compromise he came up with was promising himself that the moment her recklessness started to endanger others he would do what he had to, but for the moment it was only herself that she was endangering. As long as he made sure that he was always in the air at the same time as her, as long as he was always her wingman, it would be okay. So far it was working. He just hoped it would last.
The cylons were hitting them hard and frequently. The destruction of the resurrection ship had slowed them down, made them cautious, but it seemed like stealing six of their human model prototypes had only served to rekindle the cylon attacks on the fleet. Lee couldn’t help but feel slightly proud, knowing that they’d hit the cylons where it hurt, but it didn’t make up for what came with the increasing number of cylon attacks. They’d lost more pilots in the last week than they had in total since the resurrection ship mission. It only served to make his already difficult job harder.
For the past few weeks Kara’s knee injury had prevented her from flying, and she’d been doing most of the CAG paperwork. With Kara up in the air again after Cottle’s all clear, Lee was left with it once more. Normally he didn’t mind, but trying to keep up with his paperwork, looking after Kara, visiting Zak and dealing with the cylon attacks was turning out to be more of a balancing act than he’d thought it would be.
Lee couldn’t help but smile a bit as he thought of Zak. There were times when he felt guilty about having regained his brother, especially when he looked at Kara and saw how lost she was, but even that couldn’t stop the happiness he felt over having his brother around. They’d been close growing up, and losing Zak had caused Lee more pain that he’d thought possible at the time. It was sudden and there were so many things that Lee wished he’d said or done differently, so many regrets, but now he had the chance to fix that.
He still cringed to think that the cylons had fooled them so well. Lee hadn’t spent that much time with the cylon copy of his brother, but he had spent some, and he still couldn’t believe that he hadn’t noticed anything unusual. The first time Lee had gone to visit Zak at the Academy, he had seemed different, but Lee had thought that was because of Kara. Realistically Lee knew that he never could have known that the man he’d thought was his brother had actually been a cylon. Back then they hadn’t even known that human model cylons existed, but it didn’t stop him from feeling like he had failed his Zak.
A few days ago when he was talking to Zak, that slipped out, and his brother had insisted that he not to blame himself for what happened. Lee knew Zak was right, but he couldn’t shake the feeling. He was Zak’s older brother, he was supposed to protect and look after him.
Looking back down at the unfinished documents spread across his desk, Lee sighed. He was half-tempted to leave them for the next day, and simply turn in for the night, but considering how hectic things had been of late he knew that was worst course of action. Buckling down, Lee sat up in his chair and forced himself to open the binder of supply logs.
If he really focused he could be done in an hour, maybe two. Then he could head to the bunkroom to check on Kara. Only after that would he catch some rack time.
***
Three times on her way to the CAG’s office Maggie almost turned back. It was stupid, asking the CAG about Zak. But if she wanted to know, there were only three people to ask and she wasn’t going to talk to either the Admiral or Starbuck. Maybe he wouldn’t answer her, or think she was crazy for asking, but she had to try.
Taking a deep breath she knocked sharply on the hatch. For a second there was no reply, and she thought that maybe he wasn’t up after all. Just as she was about to turn and leave, she heard a begrudging “Come in” from the other side of the hatch. She slowly turned the wheel and opened the hatch, surprised to see how much her hands were shaking.
“Sir, can I talk to you for a minute?” She asked as she stood in front of his desk hesitantly.
The CAG looked up from his paperwork and Maggie immediately noticed how tired he looked. She knew that things had been hard for all the pilots lately, but it was glaringly obvious that he was stretching himself too thin.
“Racetrack, if you’re here about the schedule, I’m sorry, but I needed someone to cover Skulls’ rotation. I know you were due for some down time, but with the cylons attacking us like they are-”
“-That’s fine Sir, but that’s not why I’m here.”
“Oh?”
“Sir, I just wanted to know…how’s Zak?”
He hesitated, “…He’s fine, but still in sickbay. Cottle’s not sure how much longer he’s going to keep him. Why do you ask?”
“I just… I heard that some of the people we rescued weren’t doing so well. I wanted to make sure he was okay.” She almost bit her tongue as the last words slipped out of her mouth.
“Did you know Zak before the attacks?”
She had to answer him, but there was no way in hell that she was telling him the truth. The last thing she wanted was for Zak to think that she was hung up on him after all these years, even if that was the truth.
“We were in the same year at the Academy.”
“You should stop by sickbay sometime then. I’m sure he’s going crazy in there with only the Admiral and me for company.” The absence of Starbuck’s name on the list didn’t slip past Maggie unnoticed.
“Maybe.” She rushed out of there before the CAG started asking more questions.
***
“Honey, I’m home!”
Kara rolled her eyes at Zak’s antics. Gods, when was he going to learn that it wasn’t funny, especially when they were trying to keep things under the radar?
“Miss me?” He asked as he stepped behind her and placed a gentle kiss on her neck as he watched her make instant mashed potatoes.
“No,” she said, her tone teasing. She was barely able to contain the giggle that threatened to emerge. She wanted to kick herself; he was turning her into such a girl.
“Right,” he murmured against her pulse point. She could feel his lips breaking into a smile against her skin. “I didn’t miss you either.” His hands tightened around her waist as he pulled her closer, his actions implying the exact opposite of his words.
“Zak, I’m trying to make us supper,” she said, only somewhat angrily.
“I am starving,” he said softly, his breath caressing the side of her neck. “But not for food.” He pulled her closer still and she could feel his hardness pressing against her backside.
She opened her mouth to protest, but stopped the moment he began to suck softly on her neck in the exact spot that drove her crazy. “Oh gods,” she breathed out as she felt warmth beginning to spread throughout her entire body.
Zak smirked against her neck before sliding one hand up her tanks and under her bra. His fingers latched onto a nipple and he rolled it between his fingertips in just the right way.
She bit her lip to keep from moaning. He was definitely good with his hands. The thought was enough to make her grin. She couldn’t believe that she’d been lucky enough to land a guy who was not only amazing in bed, but who also loved her. Further consideration of that fact was stopped when Zak slid his other hand over her stomach, and down into the waistband of her pants.
The moment his fingers teased themselves past the top of her underwear she spread her legs. Zak resumed his ministrations on her neck as he moved his hand between her thighs, and began to stroke her confidently. She was no longer able to withhold the moan, and it filled the air as Zak continued to pleasure her.
“Like that, babe?” He whispered smugly in her ear before biting her neck gently.
Her senses were on overload and she could only nod. Zak chuckled as he angled his hand within the confines of her pants, and slid first one finger inside of her, then two. He moved them in and out, creating a delicious sensation that made her forget everything else.
When he used his thumb to rub teasing circles on her clit she let out another moan and flexed her fingers on the countertop. Her breathing quickened, and her muscles tensed up. “Zak…” she pleaded, feeling herself on the edge of release. “Oh gods, Zak.”
He increased the pressure of his thumb, and the contact was enough to send her over the edge. Her muscles tightened initially as her entire body shook with the intensity of her orgasm, but as the intoxicating feeling spread, she felt her body turn limp. Zak held her up and kissed her neck as she came down from her high.
Eventually she able to move again, and she pushed away from the counter and turned around in Zak’s arms. He grinned at her, somewhat smugly and somewhat adoringly before leaning down to kiss her. She reached up and threaded her fingers through his hair, pulling him in so that she could kiss him properly.
Immediately Kara felt her body responding to the kiss, and she wanted him again, but this time his hands were not going to be enough. Not breaking the kiss, she dropped one hand down to undo Zak’s belt. Returning the favor, he shoved sweatpants down over her hips.
Zak lifted her onto the countertop, perching her near the edge. She pulled down his pants and boxers just enough to free his straining erection. The playful look was gone from his eyes, and all she could see was smoldering desire. He tugged off her underwear forcefully and they slid down her legs and landed with the other clothing on the floor.
“Now,” she growled, not willing to wait any longer.
“Yes, Sir,” Zak said huskily as he tilted his hips at just the right angle to slide into her completely.
Kara almost broke again as she felt him filling her. He waited a few moments before beginning to move, knowing full well that if he could help her hold off until the very end, her second orgasm would be even more intense than the first.
When Zak pulled back a bit before sliding back in, Kara wrapped her legs tightly around his waist and pressed her still clothed chest against his. Their lips met again and Kara kissed him to within an inch of his life as he moved faster and faster within her. He pulled her forward on the counter, using his hands to angle her hips so that he could drive in deeper.
Kara broke the kiss as a throaty moan of pleasure escaped from her. She opened her eyes to look at Zak, but what she saw made her blood run cold. His eyes were glowing red. Her body seized up in panic. Suddenly it felt wrong, so terribly wrong.
She looked down, and where Zak’s hands should have been, there were sliver talons clutching her waist. The metal was cold against her skin, and the chilling feeling seeped into her bones. When she turned her eyes back up to his face, she was met by a sneer.
“And you thought I loved you.”
Suddenly cold metal pierced her sides. Long metal talons dug in between ribs, twisting themselves in her guts. Any reply she might have had was cut off by the scream that ripped from her throat.
Kara woke up with a start, her heart pounding in fear. A cold sweat had broken out over her entire body and she felt the burning urge to be sick. Completely forgetting about everyone else in the bunkroom she shot out of bed and ran towards the head as fast as she could.
She barely made it into the nearest stall before everything that she’d had for supper came up with violent force. Even after there was nothing left, she continued to heave, and she had to brace her hands on either side of the toilet for support.
When she felt a pair of hands pulling her hair back from her face she began to panic, but only until she realized that it was Lee. For some reason knowing that he was there was comforting.
He knelt behind her, crammed into the tiny stall as he continued to hold her hair back. Eventually the heaving stopped, and when it did she sank back on her heels. Because of the small space it meant leaning against Lee, but he didn’t seem to mind. He wrapped one arm around her waist, holding her upright and pressed against his chest.
“You okay?” He asked quietly as he looked over her shoulder to see her face.
She didn’t answer, but stared blankly ahead at the back of the stall.
“Do you want to talk?”
She shook her head and pulled away so that she could stand up. “There’s nothing to talk about,” she stated quietly.
Lee pushed himself off the ground and stood in front of her. The look on his face told her he knew she was lying, but thankfully he didn’t push it.
She squeezed past him and out of the stall, heading for the closest sink. She ran the water, scrubbing her hands first, then making sure it was sufficiently cold before cupping her hands and splashing it on her face. The entire time Lee waited patiently, leaning against the sink next to her.
When she turned to look at him she saw the worry on his face, or at least for a few seconds before he tried to hide it from her.
“Thank you,” she said quietly, looking down at the floor to avoid eye contact. For the past week he’d been there for her. Knowing that he cared enough to put up with her when she was going through this meant more than she could ever say. She didn’t want him to think that she was ungrateful; it was just that her entire life felt disjointed. She had always looked back on her time with Zak as being a blessing, even if it had ended tragically. Now she didn’t have that comfort. The best times of her entire life weren’t real, they were set up by the cylons for some gods’ awful purpose that she didn’t even care to speculate about.
As the familiar thoughts ran through her mind she felt herself losing control. Her body was beginning to shake and once again tears were clouding her eyes. She stopped trying to hide things from Lee, and the next thing she knew he was wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a hug. It was something that he did often, and as juvenile as it sounded, it helped.
She sagged against his chest, letting him support her weight as she held onto him tightly. She was falling and Lee was the only person that could catch her.
***
Zak fidgeted in his bed. He’d been pestering the doctor to let him out for the last few days, but the miserly old bastard was intent on keeping him in there for at least another day. All he wanted was a chance to walk around, to really be free, but it seemed like he was still going to have to wait for that.
Just as he was finishing off the mildly appetizing breakfast one of the nurses had brought him, Lee stepped into his cubicle.
“Morning,” Zak said as he set the tray on the bedside table.
“Morning,” Lee replied only half-heartedly.
“You okay?” Zak asked, turning his attention fully on Lee. His brother looked exhausted, and overworked, but there was something else too.
Lee sighed as he took a seat beside the infirmary bed. “Fine.”
It was a lie. “What’s going on?”
Lee fixed him with a look that said drop it, but Zak wasn’t about to do that. “Lee you can tell me.” He paused. “Is it Kara?” The look on his brother’s face told him he was right. “Is she okay?”
Zak saw the resistance drop away as Lee sighed. “She’s having nightmares. Bad ones. I’ve never seen her look so shaken except for after the rescue mission.” He paused. “I just wish there was something I could do.”
Zak gave Lee a sympathetic look. “You know that this isn’t something you can fix instantly. Things like this take time. From what you’ve told me, her entire world was flipped upside down.”
Lee nodded, a sad look descending upon his face.
“But you’re there for her Lee, and she knows that. You’re doing everything you can.”
Lee gave him a small smile. “I know, I just wish I could do something more.”
Zak’s initial guess about his brother and Kara couldn’t have been more right. There were definitely feelings there, and he had a hunch that they weren’t one-sided. Zak just hoped that Lee wouldn’t wait too long to tell her how he felt.
“Anyway,” Lee said, interrupting his thoughts. “I have to go finish the flight schedules before I meet with Tigh, but I just wanted to drop in quickly.”
Zak nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you later then?”
Lee smiled. “Yeah.” He turned to leave, but paused when he got the curtain halfway open. “Oh, one of my pilots said that they knew you from the Academy and might drop in later.”
Zak raised his eyebrow, wondering if the person remembered him or his cylon copy. He’d only been in basic flight for two weeks before he was taken. “Who?”
“Racetrack.”
The name itself wasn’t familiar, but it triggered a memory. For half a second he was no longer in sickbay. Instead he was walking through a long and dusty barn corridor. Warm sunlight was filtering in through the doors at both ends, illuminating the beautiful woman beside him. Her long brown hair looked lighter than normal, and a huge smile graced her face. Maggie’s hand was intertwined with his as she walked with him, introducing him to all of her family’s racehorses.
Zak could have sworn that his heart stopped beating, but at the same time he was filled with an intense surge of hope.
“Are you talking about Maggie?” He asked, nearly choking over the words.
Lee gave him a peculiar look and nodded.
“Maggie’s alive?”
“Yeah,” Lee said slowly. He sounded like he was trying to put a puzzle together without all the pieces.
Zak swung his legs over and pushed himself out of bed.
“Whoa,” Lee said as he placed restraining hands on Zak’s shoulders. “Where are you going? Cottle hasn’t released you yet.”
“I need to see her.” He couldn’t believe that she was alive. He wasn’t thinking clearly, hells, he wasn’t thinking at all. The only thing he knew was that he needed to find her.
“Why?”
Zak turned his face up to look Lee directly in the eye. “The girlfriend, the one I had before I was captured,” he could see the realization dawning on his brother’s face, “it was Maggie.”
TBC
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6
Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16