Finding Purpose (16/?)
Title: Finding Purpose (16/?)
Author: Nytel
Rating: R
Spoilers: Up to 213 (Epiphanies)
Pairing: Kara/Lee
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: When your whole life gets flipped upside down, you need to find a reason to go on.
Word Count: 3,752
Beta:
i_am_girlfriday
Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing them. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: This fic is AU after Epiphanies.
Chapter 16
Kara let out a quiet moan the next morning. Her eyes fluttered open and the fluorescent light shining through the crack of the curtain hit her with full force, causing a sharp, stabbing pain deep in the back of her skull. She winced and inhaled sharply before slamming her eyelids shut. It helped a little, but it did nothing for the heavy pressure that made her head feel like it was going to explode.
She turned to bury her face in the pillow, but the second she realized her head wasn’t lying on a pillow she sat bolt upright in bed. Seeing Lee sleeping beside her drove away all thoughts of the headache and made her pull back until she was pressed against the bulkhead, not able to go any further. Instantly she began to panic, her mind reeling as she strove to remember what had happened the night before.
The memory of Zak waking up and not recognizing her slammed into her mind. Her chest began to tighten and she couldn’t breathe as a rush of memories came back to her: running out of sickbay, finding the Chief’s stash of brew, binging, and then heading for C-Deck. After that things got extremely blurry, but there was only one place on C-Deck that she could have been headed for.
She shut her eyes at the flood of events, and opened them only to find unwanted tears streaming down her face. She brushed them away harshly with the heel of her hand. The tears stopped but she had a feeling that the pain was only beginning.
Her gaze fell upon Lee’s sleeping form and panic threatened to seize hold of her again. Had she ruined their friendship? Had she used him to make the pain go away? She shuddered, not able to bear the thought. Wrapping her arms tightly around her torso, she tried to figure things out. It took her a second to realize that her hands were clutching at tanks. Looking down at Lee again she saw that he was wearing tanks too.
A heavy sigh of relief escaped her. They hadn’t slept together. When her mind started working again she chastised herself for even considering it. She couldn’t remember the last part of the night, but even if she had thrown herself at Lee, he wouldn’t have let her ruin their friendship like that.
It wasn’t long until her thoughts returned to Zak. Her headache returned, amplified by the confusion of her past. The once pleasant memories of the time she’d spent with him were now tainted by the knowledge that at some point he’d been replaced by a cylon copy. She didn’t know when it had happened, but she was almost certain that she’d never even known the real Zak.
Her head was pounding even harder, and the hangover in combination with her distress was causing tears to pool at the corner of her eyes. In a burst of frustration she pulled back the curtain and climbed over Lee to stand on the cold metal deck. She needed to get out of there, to go somewhere and try to clear her head.It had only been minutes since she’d woken up, but she knew that she couldn’t live like this-her mind in overdrive, feeling like her heart was being torn into a million pieces.
Kara pulled on a pair of shorts and took a painkiller from her locker before leaving the bunkroom as fast as she could manage. Within two minutes she found herself entering the pilots’ head, and in another minute she was standing naked in front of the spray of the shower. She cranked up the hot water to almost an unbearable level before tilting her head back and letting the water wash the dried tears from her face.
She scrubbed at her body with the harsh standard soap, trying to physically wash away all her memories of Zak. When that didn’t work she let the water sluice down every inch of her skin while she tried to think about something else.
For a while she simply focused on nothing, banishing all thoughts and feelings from her mind, leaving her an empty shell. It only worked until previously forgotten memories of the night before began to seep back in through the mental walls she had erected.
At first it was just glimpses of moments, flashes really, but it wasn’t enough to create a coherent picture. Then, whether by her will or not, more of the pieces started to fit together and she could remember events, but not specifics. She had gone to the small arms locker on C-Deck, intent on killing herself, at least until her thoughts had turned to Lee. The thought of letting him down, of making him regret their friendship was nearly crippling. With a sober mind she realized that she wouldn’t have gone through with it even while intoxicated, not when Lee’s happiness had been on the line.
More and more memories came until she remembered Lee finding her and then holding her as she’d broken down.
“I’m here for you Kara, whatever you need, I’m here.”
A flush of embarrassment colored her cheeks, but at the same time she couldn’t help but feel privileged. She didn’t deserve Lee, but she had him nonetheless. His support might be the only thing that would allow her to possibly get through this.
She vaguely remembered making it back to the bunkroom, Lee supporting her limp body the entire way. She had no idea how they’d both ended up in the same bunk. That part of the night was still foggy. She frantically tried to clutch at fragmented memories, but they slipped away. She struggled harder, and for a second she thought she heard Lee’s voice.
“I love you.”
Her eyes flew open in shock and she coughed as she inhaled water. Her heart began to pound fast against her ribcage. Had Lee actually said that? She shook her head once, but stopped when the movement made her see stars. No, he couldn’t have. She must have imagined it. Her mind was telling her what she wanted hear.
She pounded her fist against the shower wall in frustration. The absolute last thing she needed was to let those feelings surface. Lee was the only person she had left.
Kara turned off the shower and groaned. Her life was so frakked up. She ran her hands over her face, but stopped when the metal of Zak’s ring seemed to burn a line down her face. She pulled it off and threw it as hard as she could. The thin band bounced off the shower stall and landed by her feet. She couldn’t do anything but stare at it, another reminder that her entire world had been turned upside down with only a few words from a barely conscious man.
Suddenly, all the pain was replaced by a surge of uncontrollable anger. The cylons had tricked her; they’d used her vulnerability to suit their own twisted purposes, whatever they may be. Something snapped inside of her and she punched the metal shower divider. The sound of her fist making contact echoed through the head. When she pulled her hand back she saw that the pressure of the blow had split the skin over three of her knuckles. The cuts stung and her hand was throbbing.
Then, as quickly as the anger had come, it was gone; without a second of respite the pain returned. The transition was abrupt and deeply unsettling. Kara knew she was falling apart, but she had no idea how to stop it.
***
When Lee woke up to an empty bed he couldn’t help but panic. Kara was nowhere to be seen and if he hadn’t known better he would have thought she’d never been there at all. He mentally berated himself and hastily got out of bed-he shouldn’t have let himself fall asleep at all.
As he pulled on his BDUs he tried to determine the most likely place for her to be. Kara was hard to predict normally and now he had no idea what logic, or lack thereof, would be driving her thoughts. He crammed his feet into his boots without bothering to lace them up and headed for the hatch. He was only halfway to the door when it opened and Kara stepped through. Lee stopped dead in his tracks and a nearly overpowering rush of relief hit him.
Just like the night before the relief was replaced by worry when the look on her face registered in his mind. Her features were hard, cold and blank, except for her eyes. Normally green, a myriad of turbulent emotions had turned them dark.
Their gazes locked for a few seconds and Lee could see her façade beginning to falter. It was only for a second though, because the next thing he knew she’d brushed past him and opened her locker. He heard the sound of paper tearing and when he turned around he noticed that the picture of him, Kara and Zak was no longer stuck in the corner of her mirror.
Lee shut his eyes and wished again that there was something he could do to stop her from having to go through this. The situation was bad enough to begin with, but in addition there were constant reminders of her life with Zak all around.
“Are you going to see Zak today?”
Her voice was so quiet that Lee barely heard it. His eyes flew open and he stepped up beside her. She hadn’t moved and was still looking into the back of her locker. “At some point,” he responded softly, a hint of hesitation creeping into his voice.
“I need you to do something for me.” Lee could tell she was trying desperately to keep her voice flat and void of emotion, and most people would have believed it, but he knew better.
“Anything,” he said earnestly. He stared at her, awaiting a response as she continued to stare blankly into her locker.
He saw her swallow before saying, “I need you to give this to him.”
She turned and held out her hand. When he placed his palm face up underneath her fist, she opened her fingers and something small fell onto his hand. He felt his heart constrict the second he realized it was Zak’s ring.
“Kara, I…” He exhaled, not knowing how to finish his thought.
“Please, Lee.”
He nodded immediately. He could rarely deny Kara anything, and now, with the pleading in her voice, it was impossible. “Okay.” After tucking the ring in his pocket he reached out to pull her into a hug.
Her body remained stiff only for a fraction of a second before she sank into the embrace, almost clinging onto him. He held her tightly as she angled her face into the side of his neck. He wanted to say something, but he knew that words weren’t going to offer her any comfort right now. Instead he began to run one hand lightly up and down her back, but the second he started she tensed and pulled away.
Lee’s thoughts immediately flew back to the night before and he wondered if she remembered what he’d said. Looking at her face now he had no way of knowing. There were so many emotions swirling in her eyes that he couldn’t pick out a single one. But whether she remembered or not, he’d take his cues from her, because helping her was the only thing that mattered right now.
“I have to go.” Her voice was back to the fake calm, and she shut her locker before walking across the room.
“Where are you going?” He questioned, the fear evident in his voice as he jogged after her.
She sighed and her shoulders drooped. “I have a maintenance shift,” she explained without looking at him.
Lee shook his head emphatically. “No, I’ll find someone to cover for you.”
“No,” she stated. “I need something to… Just no.” She opened the hatch and began to step through.
“Kara…”
She turned and looked at him, her feelings poking through the mask. “Thank you,” she said quietly. “For everything you did…” She paused, taking a deep breath. “But I need to go.” She inhaled again. “Lee, please…”
Her eyes pleaded with him and he nodded. He’d been in that place not so long ago, when all he’d wanted was the distraction of work in order to make him forget about everything else.
“Thank you,” she said sincerely, before slipping through the hatch.
Lee watched her go, not knowing what else he could do other than be there for her unconditionally.
***
Despite how uncomfortable sickbay beds were, Zak couldn’t help but enjoy his. After spending over two years in cylon holding cells and cold medical facilities, his current bed was almost perfect. Of course it was nothing compared to a real rack, or his bed at home on Caprica, but it had been so long that he barely even remembered what a real bed felt like.
He sank deeper into the pillows and almost cursed when he felt the familiar drowsy sensation begin to wash over him. He hated feeling week and useless, especially when the cylons had put him in that position. Anger simmered underneath the surface, but instead of reacting he took deep breaths, trying to make it go away. His anger at the cylons had never done him much good in the past, and now that he was finally free of them it was even more useless. Unfortunately, his logical thoughts alone couldn’t stop the feeling. He figured it would be something that he’d live with until the day he died.
A smile crept onto his face. For years he’d thought his life would end on that basestar. Now he had a chance at life again. It wouldn’t be the same one he’d left behind, not by any means. He’d lost everything when the cylons captured him, but he would take what he could get with complete and utter gratitude. The fact that both his brother and his father had survived the cylon attacks and ensuing war was a miracle.
His thoughts turned back to the day before. To say that he’d been shocked when he’d woken up would be an understatement. The last thing he remembered was a cylon injecting him with some sort of coma-inducing drug, and the next thing he knew he was waking up in Galactica’s sickbay, staring up at the faces of his brother and his father, both of whom he’d thought were dead.
A woman had been there too-Lieutenant Thrace. He’d only been in basic flight for two weeks before the cylons captured him, so he hadn’t remembered her at first. When she’d first leant over and kissed his forehead he’d briefly thought that it was the girlfriend he’d left behind on Caprica, but soon enough he’d realized that the woman hovering over him had blonde hair not brown.
He hadn’t mean to react so violently, but the groggy daze he’d been in had caused him to respond that way. He’d been so confused as to what was going on that he’d demanded immediate answers. His father had willingly obliged, explaining important details slowly so that Zak could get his bearings. Lee on the other hand had left sickbay at a sprint, obviously going off in search of Lieutenant Thrace, or Kara, as his dad had called her.
She’d been the subject of a few of his questions, but his father hadn’t answered those ones. He seemed to think it was best if Lee explained all of that to him. Zak had initially been angry at the lack of clarity, but his father had explained that Lee knew Kara better than anyone else on the ship, and he was the best source of information, so Zak had let it go. He wondered when exactly Lee was going to drop by sickbay to see him.
The last thought floated around his mind as he became drowsier. His body threatened to drift off into sleep, until he heard the sound of the curtain sliding open around his cubicle.
Zak forced his heavy eyelids open and saw his brother standing there with a tentative smile. “Lee.”
“Hi, Zak.”
In spite of being sleepy and having not spent time with his brother in years, Zak automatically knew there was something wrong. He also knew by the look on Lee’s face that it might be best not to press the matter. Zak pointed to the empty chair beside him as he pushed himself upright in bed. Lee gave him another small smile before taking a seat.
“Look, Zak…” Lee sighed. “I’m sorry that I ran out of here yesterday, but… I needed to find Kara.” Lee’s face was filled with emotion and his entire body looked tense.
“It’s fine,” Zak replied. “Is she, uh, is she okay?”
Lee shook his head before running his hands over his face wearily. “No.” A few seconds passed and then Lee reached into his pants pocket and pulled something out. He held it out for Zak to take.
Zak stared in bewilderment at the silver ring lying in the palm of Lee’s hand.
“Kara asked me to give this to you.”
Zak reached over and picked up the ring, feeling the once familiar cold metal between his fingertips. He hadn’t seen his ring in years, not since the cylons had taken it from him. It must have only been hours after they’d kidnapped him. He’d been on his way back to the dorms after a night at the bar. “How did she get this?” He asked, turning his gaze up to look at Lee.
He watched as confusion clouded his brother’s features. “What do you mean? Didn’t Dad tell you?”
Zak shook his head. “He told me about a lot of stuff, like how you managed to survive, and how I was rescued, but he wouldn’t tell me about Lieutenant Thrace. He said it would be better for you to explain it.”
Lee exhaled slowly as he leaned back in his chair. “When did the cylons take you?”
Zak shrugged. “Maybe two weeks into basic flight.”
“So you were never involved with Kara?”
Zak gave Lee an odd look. “No,” he stated adamantly. “I had a girlfriend before the cylons kidnapped me. We’d been dating for almost a year.”
He did his best to keep his voice level and not dwell on thoughts of the woman he’d wanted to spend the rest of his life with and what might have become of her, but it was hard. Thinking of her, and picturing what kind of life they could have had together was what had kept him sane during his cylon imprisonment.
Zak shook his head slightly, bringing himself away from things that would never be and back to the present. “Why would you think we were involved?”
Lee sighed. “Kara was engaged to you, or at least she thought she was.”
Zak suddenly remembered something that had happened over two years ago. “I saw him.”
“You saw who?” Lee questioned, leaning forward in his chair.
“The cylon that replaced me. It was only once, years ago. He told me a bunch of things and I’d almost forgotten them.” Zak paused, one hundred percent sure that Lee didn’t want to hear the rest, but knowing that he should.
“He said he was flawed, that he didn’t accept the cylon plan. He knew that what he’d been doing was wrong, so he’d sabotaged his mission.” Zak paused for a second, trying to remember the rest of what he’d been told. “He kept going on about a woman with a special destiny. The cylons wanted her for some reason, and his mission… I think his mission was to make her fall in love with him.”
Zak felt another surge of anger at the cylons. He didn’t know Kara, but she didn’t deserve to have her feelings played like that. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say.
Lee swore under his breath. “Me too,” he admitted quietly. He looked up, and Zak could see his own anger reflected in his brother’s eyes a hundredfold, but there was something else there as well. Then Lee schooled his face and the emotions were nearly gone. “I’m sorry Zak, I didn’t mean to throw this all on you.”
Zak shook his head. “It’s okay Lee. I’m not five anymore. I can handle it.”
“How are you?” Lee questioned, obviously concerned.
Zak gave him a smile. “A hell of a lot better than I was a week ago. Thanks, by the way, for saving me.”
Lee smiled faintly. “Don’t mention it.”
Zak wasn’t sure how long they talked, but it must have been hours because by the end his throat was getting sore and he was having a hard time staying awake. He’d missed Lee more than he could explain, but that didn’t change how weak he was. Reluctantly he told Lee that he needed to get some rest.
“Of course,” Lee said hastily as he stood up from his chair. “Gods, I’m sorry Zak.”
“Don’t apologize. It was great.”
Lee smiled at him and Zak could tell that his brother’s thoughts were straying to something, or someone else. They hadn’t explicitly talked about Kara beyond her being engaged to his cylon copy, but Zak had a pretty good idea as to what was going on between the two of them. He’d always been able to read Lee, and he was glad to see that he hadn’t lost that touch.
He doubted there was anything openly going on between his brother and Kara; Lee was too noble for that, especially given that he’d thought she was his dead brother’s fiancée. But underneath the surface, Zak knew Lee had feelings for her.
He also knew that if a person was lucky enough to find love, they needed to hold onto it no matter what. It was something to be cherished; every second counted. Zak only wished that he’d realized that fully in the past. He regretted every single moment that he hadn’t spent with Maggie when he’d had the chance. Now that was gone, but he wouldn’t let Lee make the same mistake.
“Lee?”
“Yeah?”
“You should go and find her. Make sure she’s okay.”
Lee looked at him somberly. “I was already planning on it.”
TBC
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6
Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15