Anxiety concertina
I have recently learned that often when I'm anxious about doing a thing, it's because I jumble all the steps of doing that thing into one squished up anxious thought. My anxiety concertina often means I do *nothing* because I go
Havetoresearchvenuehavetobookvenuehavetoaskformoneyhavetopayforvenuewhatifpeopledon'twanttopayhavetoresearchvenuepayforvenuebookvenuepayforvenueaskformoneywhatifpeoplehatemeIwanttodie.
It also works with a bunch of separate tasks I want to do:
Tidy living room, do washing up, have shower, get dressed, make lunch, eat lunch, leave house
becomes
TidylivingroomdowashinguphaveshowerbutIhavetotidylivingroombutIneedtomakelunchomgIhavetowashupandhaveashowerandgetdressedhowwillIpossiblyhavetimetotidythelivingroomeekIfeelbadIdon'twanttoshowercosIwillnowstayontheInternetanddistractmyselffrommyfeelingscan'ttakeInternetintoshowerhatemyselfwanttodieIamaterriblepersonfornotdoingthewashingupI'llstayathomeanddonothing.
I now know this is a pattern, and have ways of dealing with it. I tell myself: researching a venue isn't the same as booking a venue. Paying for a venue isn't the same as asking for money. Asking for money for an activity that people want to take part in isn't the same as asking 'do you like me?' nor is it the same as researching a venue. Paying for the venue is all separate. These things are all distinct steps. I can do one at a time, and I can ask for help at any stage. I can stop at any stage. I WILL be able to cope. I can repeat this coping method with all kinds of things that I anxiety concertina. I call it chopping up my concertina.
This is not the only way my anxiety shows itself. Another is that I am afraid to feel my feelings, so I use distraction to cope. When I can't use my normal methods of distraction, I panic. So showering is *really* hard sometimes because I can't read in the shower; I have to feel my feelings and think my thoughts and it feels like it's going to kill me. I am learning to allow myself to feel. To name the feeling, say 'it's ok to feel', tell myself it's temporary, and DO the thing I was avoiding doing (or sit with my feelings if that was what I was avoiding).
How do I feel in 10 words or less?
It's ok to feel. This is temporary.
DO something (possibly sit with my feelings).
So so useful. I'm still not 'fixed', but I am graduating therapy soon, and I know that I have the tools to fix myself, and the time to fix myself.
Havetoresearchvenuehavetobookvenuehavetoaskformoneyhavetopayforvenuewhatifpeopledon'twanttopayhavetoresearchvenuepayforvenuebookvenuepayforvenueaskformoneywhatifpeoplehatemeIwanttodie.
It also works with a bunch of separate tasks I want to do:
Tidy living room, do washing up, have shower, get dressed, make lunch, eat lunch, leave house
becomes
TidylivingroomdowashinguphaveshowerbutIhavetotidylivingroombutIneedtomakelunchomgIhavetowashupandhaveashowerandgetdressedhowwillIpossiblyhavetimetotidythelivingroomeekIfeelbadIdon'twanttoshowercosIwillnowstayontheInternetanddistractmyselffrommyfeelingscan'ttakeInternetintoshowerhatemyselfwanttodieIamaterriblepersonfornotdoingthewashingupI'llstayathomeanddonothing.
I now know this is a pattern, and have ways of dealing with it. I tell myself: researching a venue isn't the same as booking a venue. Paying for a venue isn't the same as asking for money. Asking for money for an activity that people want to take part in isn't the same as asking 'do you like me?' nor is it the same as researching a venue. Paying for the venue is all separate. These things are all distinct steps. I can do one at a time, and I can ask for help at any stage. I can stop at any stage. I WILL be able to cope. I can repeat this coping method with all kinds of things that I anxiety concertina. I call it chopping up my concertina.
This is not the only way my anxiety shows itself. Another is that I am afraid to feel my feelings, so I use distraction to cope. When I can't use my normal methods of distraction, I panic. So showering is *really* hard sometimes because I can't read in the shower; I have to feel my feelings and think my thoughts and it feels like it's going to kill me. I am learning to allow myself to feel. To name the feeling, say 'it's ok to feel', tell myself it's temporary, and DO the thing I was avoiding doing (or sit with my feelings if that was what I was avoiding).
How do I feel in 10 words or less?
It's ok to feel. This is temporary.
DO something (possibly sit with my feelings).
So so useful. I'm still not 'fixed', but I am graduating therapy soon, and I know that I have the tools to fix myself, and the time to fix myself.