Food, eating, feelings, secrecy

[nyecamden]

I've had some personal drama/angst for the last few months, which came to a head in the last few days. It's hopefully on its way to being sorted out, but I've chosen to overeat on a couple of occasions to cope with it.

What are my healthy coping mechanisms?

Calling a trusted friend.
Going to bed with a book and a nice cup of tea.
Substituting

Comments

[x_mass]

hopefully you feel safe enough with me to tell me if their is an issue between us, if not then I need to work harder to make it so.

My way out of secret eating is to to admit it.
so today for breakfast i have had two double deckers, two packets of rolo's and some vanilla hagen daz ice cream, do I feel ashmed of having done so - yes. Why? Because i feel i have failed myself, I have access to really good fruit, i'm trying to look after myself and yet I have today done a huge fail. I suspect my shame is also driven by my internalised hatred of being fat something I am still working on.

I think part of the problem is - do you still have that sugar taste either in your mouth or in your head. Sugar is addictive, and just like any other form of addiction it's hard to say no to something again when you had it that day. So when ex-smokers breath second hand smoke it gives their brain that kick/thougt that says - 'hmmm I like some of that again'. equally when I have had sugar even when it been several hours between I still get a craving for a fix (of sugar) and especially that can lead into bingeing on sugar (by sugar I mean sugary foods).

I was looking for a way of asking you a question when I saw your post, I hope it's OK to ask it inline with my answer.
What I am wondering is, you seem to be happy about your body being fat and did this help you exercise more easily or are they totally different issues?

[nyecamden]

It wasn't you, it's a long-term problem with a situation/people.

I suppose it's more often sugary-fatty foods I've been having a problem with recently. In the past it was also fatty-savoury foods too, including butter (I think I've eaten half a pack of butter in one sitting before, yuck). I can eat moderate amounts of sugary food quite safely if it doesn't have the mouth-feel of fatty food. (Low-fat ice cream substitutes are similar enough to regular ice cream for me that I'll binge on them too.)

"You seem to be happy about your body being fat and did this help you exercise more easily or are they totally different issues?"

I had to work on the relationship with my body in order to exercise/keep exercising. I have gone through various stages of being comfortable with my fat body to being very self-conscious about it. When I was first confronting my uncontrolled eating issues I suddenly became very self-conscious. It wasn't helped by going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings where women would talk about hating being fat/expressing fears about fat. I have an annoying tendency to pick up other people's neuroses.

The main issue was that I would imagine people were laughing at me/judging me when I was exercising whilst very fat. People shouting 'fat bitch' at me when I cycled REALLY DIDN'T HELP.

I counteracted that in two main ways.

Firstly, I confronted the reality that I was very fat, and worked on accepting that as a fact. I did some naked work in front of the mirror.I started off being still, and after several sessions worked up to either eating whilst naked and looking in the mirror or dancing whilst naked and looking in the mirror.

Secondly, I worked on the voice in my head that told me that everyone thought I looked too fat to be in the gym/running/whatever. I used positive affirmations, mostly 'I'm doing this for ME' and 'every day I get stronger and fitter'. The more often I exercised the easier it got, but it WAS really hard at first.

It is an unfortunate fact that people do shout abusive things at people who exercise in public (in parks and the street). I now know with my mind and my heart that they're idiots. I have never encountered such idiocy at the gym.

I do think that only when I loved my body could I exercise regularly to make it healthier. I find shame incredibly de-motivating, though I know of others who use body shame to motivate them to exercise.

There's more I could write about fighting various brain-hamsters that make exercising regularly challenging; I may do that in a separate post.

It's ok to ask me stuff about food/eating/fitness/body image. Asking me in my journal or in a quiet place are both good.