Feelings are not always nice
Adoption loss, grief, envy, rage...
Other people have custody of their children. This is not fair! Grrr. F*cking mother's day tomorrow. Despite gender stuff, I can't really deny being Alex's mother. Giving birth and breastfeeding a kid for two years... mother. 'Parent' doesn't quite cover it.
Anyway.
Grr! 'Snot fair! Mother's Day on 22nd March (different countries celebrate it at different times). Then Alex's birthday on 12th April. Then my dead mother's birthday on 17th April. Bloody spring.
I now have quite a number of people in my life who are parents. I wouldn't have been able to handle that in the recent past. I handle it most of the time, but sometimes someone writes a short phrase on their journal and I'm filled with this impotent rage and hurt. Then I feel guilty for having negative feelings about a friend. But it's not about them I know.
Yes, being a parent is hard. Yes, the responsibilities get people down from time to time. But... there's so much I'm missing out on.
Adoption loss is a grief that never goes away for me. It has got a lot better with time and appropriate therapy. There are often triggers when it explodes in my face. Most of the time Alex is far from my thoughts. It's too painful to have in my head every day.
No, I don't get to see her. No, the thought that I might meet her when she's over eighteen doesn't make me feel any better about this: it makes me feel worse. No, I'm not glad that I did 'the right thing'. No, I did not choose to have her adopted. I was coerced into signing my rights away. No, the thought that she has quite a good life doesn't make me feel good about anything; it highlights how crap I am as a person.
Sometimes I have to get this stuff out. I don't always feel so bad about it.
Other people have custody of their children. This is not fair! Grrr. F*cking mother's day tomorrow. Despite gender stuff, I can't really deny being Alex's mother. Giving birth and breastfeeding a kid for two years... mother. 'Parent' doesn't quite cover it.
Anyway.
Grr! 'Snot fair! Mother's Day on 22nd March (different countries celebrate it at different times). Then Alex's birthday on 12th April. Then my dead mother's birthday on 17th April. Bloody spring.
I now have quite a number of people in my life who are parents. I wouldn't have been able to handle that in the recent past. I handle it most of the time, but sometimes someone writes a short phrase on their journal and I'm filled with this impotent rage and hurt. Then I feel guilty for having negative feelings about a friend. But it's not about them I know.
Yes, being a parent is hard. Yes, the responsibilities get people down from time to time. But... there's so much I'm missing out on.
Adoption loss is a grief that never goes away for me. It has got a lot better with time and appropriate therapy. There are often triggers when it explodes in my face. Most of the time Alex is far from my thoughts. It's too painful to have in my head every day.
No, I don't get to see her. No, the thought that I might meet her when she's over eighteen doesn't make me feel any better about this: it makes me feel worse. No, I'm not glad that I did 'the right thing'. No, I did not choose to have her adopted. I was coerced into signing my rights away. No, the thought that she has quite a good life doesn't make me feel good about anything; it highlights how crap I am as a person.
Sometimes I have to get this stuff out. I don't always feel so bad about it.