Gaining/losing/maintaining weight
When my lovely big free laptop sort of died (the fan stopped working (it's probably not worth fixing), I switched over to my old desktop and had access to some old files I'd not seen in a while. The one I found most interesting was the weight/body shape file.
I'd quite like you to read this. Please comment if you have: just a 'read it' type response'll be fine. (I won't be offended if you don't read it.)
Cut to talk about losing/gaining weight, mental health and support systems.
I've been bingeing on food since I was 12 years old. (Drink too.) I didn't really put on that much weight because of it until I got pregnant aged 21. I used pregnancy and breastfeeding as an excuse to eat more. I had a breakdown a couple of years after giving birth, then kept on and on putting on weight with each depression in my depressive/hypomanic cycle. Usually I'd gain about a stone a year, but one year I gained three stones/42 pounds in six months.
I went to Overeaters Anonymous on and off for a couple of years. It made me realise that my relationship with food was completely f*cked up, and with support I could stop bingeing for a few months... but only when I wasn't depressed. The stupidness of the programme and its advocates telling me that the 12 steps and the tools of the programme would solve all of my problems. Erm, no. So I was left with no support when I was too scared to leave my flat or use the phone (this was before I had access to the Internet at home and a group of marvellous e-friends), and put on lots of weight again. The programme taught me I was powerless over food and needed to accept that. I think that is bullsh*t.
For a year or two I didn't have a support system to do something about the weight. My doctors kept telling me to lose weight, and I kept asking them how the f*ck could I do that when I couldn't stop bingeing? One GP told me he specialised in eating disorders and I could talk to him... I booked a double appointment with him to do this and he told me to eat less food. Riiiiight. When I asked him *how* I could eat less food he was stumped. Silly man!
Things happened in my life and I realised I was transsexual. Eventually (after a year of gender-questioning and a year of having transitioned) I was given the go ahead for chest surgery. Finally, a reason to lose weight! I knew I'd have to be under a certain weight (don't know what that is yet) to get surgery. I joined Slimming World and I have been really motivated to lose weight. I've lost 3 stone. I need to lose more weight.
This bit is an important bit: Last depression is the first depression I've been in where I've actually lost weight. I continued to go to the Slimming World meetings even when I was having multiple suicidal thoughts every day. I went when I'd had a bad food week. I went when I'd only exercised once in a week. I went when I'd gained weight. All of that time, I felt responsible for the food I was putting in my mouth and the exercise I was or was not doing.
The question is, will I be able to maintain my weightloss after surgery? I'm having problems getting therapy. One psychologist I saw to get therapy on the NHS for my general f*cked-upness told me that all my psychological problems were because I was trans. My gender psych (who monitors me, he doesn't give me therapy) thinks this is rubbish. The psychologist assumed I was getting therapy from the gender clinic, and they don't actually do therapy. She didn't listen to me. My psychiatrist is being slow in doing things about this, though she has promised to. Anyway, if I don't fix my head I doubt I'll be able to keep healthy.
I think I'll have to work as hard to maintain my weightloss as I've worked to get (some of) it. A mistake a lot of people seem to make once they've lost the weight is to relax and think they've got there. They slip back into old ways, and suddenly they've put on more weight than they lost. I do not want this to be me. I know it's early to think about this, I've got at least 60 pounds left to lose, but I think if I consider it in advance I'll be much better able to deal with it.
Have some numbers!
05/08/05: 18 Stones, 4lbs (256 pounds), post breakfast
13/08/05: 17 Stones, 12 lbs, pre breakfast
01/09/05: 17 Stones
18/10/05: 17 Stones
15/11/05: 16 Stones 9 lbs post breakfast
07/12/05: 16 Stones 8 lbs pre breakfast
04/01/06: 16 Stones 10 lbs post lunch
02/02/06: 17 Stones before dinner
18/02/06: 16 Stones 8 lbs pre breakfast
09/03/06: 17 Stones after breakfast (with jeans on)
08/04/06: 17 Stones 3 lbs after lunch
27/10/06: 20 Stones 2lbs after breakfast... 50 1/2" waist... 62" hips (beyond the tape measure!!)... 51" chest... 17 1/2" upper arm... 32 1/2" thighs
03/11/06: 20 Stones 0 lbs after lunch (clothed)
17/11/06: 19 Stones 12 lbs before breakfast
24/11/06: No change
13/12/06: 19 Stones 9 lbs before breakfast 275 pounds
21/05/08: 19 stones 2lbs after lunch
18/02/09: 16 st 2 lbs after lunch 226 pounds
I'd quite like you to read this. Please comment if you have: just a 'read it' type response'll be fine. (I won't be offended if you don't read it.)
Cut to talk about losing/gaining weight, mental health and support systems.
I've been bingeing on food since I was 12 years old. (Drink too.) I didn't really put on that much weight because of it until I got pregnant aged 21. I used pregnancy and breastfeeding as an excuse to eat more. I had a breakdown a couple of years after giving birth, then kept on and on putting on weight with each depression in my depressive/hypomanic cycle. Usually I'd gain about a stone a year, but one year I gained three stones/42 pounds in six months.
I went to Overeaters Anonymous on and off for a couple of years. It made me realise that my relationship with food was completely f*cked up, and with support I could stop bingeing for a few months... but only when I wasn't depressed. The stupidness of the programme and its advocates telling me that the 12 steps and the tools of the programme would solve all of my problems. Erm, no. So I was left with no support when I was too scared to leave my flat or use the phone (this was before I had access to the Internet at home and a group of marvellous e-friends), and put on lots of weight again. The programme taught me I was powerless over food and needed to accept that. I think that is bullsh*t.
For a year or two I didn't have a support system to do something about the weight. My doctors kept telling me to lose weight, and I kept asking them how the f*ck could I do that when I couldn't stop bingeing? One GP told me he specialised in eating disorders and I could talk to him... I booked a double appointment with him to do this and he told me to eat less food. Riiiiight. When I asked him *how* I could eat less food he was stumped. Silly man!
Things happened in my life and I realised I was transsexual. Eventually (after a year of gender-questioning and a year of having transitioned) I was given the go ahead for chest surgery. Finally, a reason to lose weight! I knew I'd have to be under a certain weight (don't know what that is yet) to get surgery. I joined Slimming World and I have been really motivated to lose weight. I've lost 3 stone. I need to lose more weight.
This bit is an important bit: Last depression is the first depression I've been in where I've actually lost weight. I continued to go to the Slimming World meetings even when I was having multiple suicidal thoughts every day. I went when I'd had a bad food week. I went when I'd only exercised once in a week. I went when I'd gained weight. All of that time, I felt responsible for the food I was putting in my mouth and the exercise I was or was not doing.
The question is, will I be able to maintain my weightloss after surgery? I'm having problems getting therapy. One psychologist I saw to get therapy on the NHS for my general f*cked-upness told me that all my psychological problems were because I was trans. My gender psych (who monitors me, he doesn't give me therapy) thinks this is rubbish. The psychologist assumed I was getting therapy from the gender clinic, and they don't actually do therapy. She didn't listen to me. My psychiatrist is being slow in doing things about this, though she has promised to. Anyway, if I don't fix my head I doubt I'll be able to keep healthy.
I think I'll have to work as hard to maintain my weightloss as I've worked to get (some of) it. A mistake a lot of people seem to make once they've lost the weight is to relax and think they've got there. They slip back into old ways, and suddenly they've put on more weight than they lost. I do not want this to be me. I know it's early to think about this, I've got at least 60 pounds left to lose, but I think if I consider it in advance I'll be much better able to deal with it.
Have some numbers!
05/08/05: 18 Stones, 4lbs (256 pounds), post breakfast
13/08/05: 17 Stones, 12 lbs, pre breakfast
01/09/05: 17 Stones
18/10/05: 17 Stones
15/11/05: 16 Stones 9 lbs post breakfast
07/12/05: 16 Stones 8 lbs pre breakfast
04/01/06: 16 Stones 10 lbs post lunch
02/02/06: 17 Stones before dinner
18/02/06: 16 Stones 8 lbs pre breakfast
09/03/06: 17 Stones after breakfast (with jeans on)
08/04/06: 17 Stones 3 lbs after lunch
27/10/06: 20 Stones 2lbs after breakfast... 50 1/2" waist... 62" hips (beyond the tape measure!!)... 51" chest... 17 1/2" upper arm... 32 1/2" thighs
03/11/06: 20 Stones 0 lbs after lunch (clothed)
17/11/06: 19 Stones 12 lbs before breakfast
24/11/06: No change
13/12/06: 19 Stones 9 lbs before breakfast 275 pounds
21/05/08: 19 stones 2lbs after lunch
18/02/09: 16 st 2 lbs after lunch 226 pounds