Stuff and things
A couple of things friends and acquaintances assume about me:
Because I appear happy and confident one day, that means I am *better* and no longer have mental health problems, or that I have finally found self-confidence that will stay.
Wrong. I have confident phases and self-loathing phases. I have periods of depression, hypomania, anxiety and euthymia (the medical term for not being mentally unwell, lol). I may be well at the time you see me, or I may actually be hypomanic. As I have to write on my Disability Living Allowance forms, *my condition varies considerably*.
Because I have lost a significant amount of weight, I no longer have disordered eating. Being on a diet = being cured!
Wrong. Oh so wrong. Since I started watching what I eat (I'm not following the diet that strictly) and exercising regularly, I've continued to binge once a week/once a fortnight. I do this when I'm on my own and it makes me feel like sh*t. I don't know how to stop, particularly when I'm going through difficult head stuff like I am doing at the moment. I don't know how to keep the following foods at home without eating them all in one day: hummus, blocks of cheese, cooked meat (including tinned), ready meals, any kind of dessert apart from home-made sponge cake, butter. I shop every day/every other day because I am afraid of food.
I've been engaging in some bullimic behaviour lately, that's not something I've done much of. It's not something I want to do. I find the weekly weigh-in useful, but sometimes difficult especially if I've binged the night before. I've been using laxatives the night before weigh-in. This is the first time I've been specific about this. Please don't tell me it's unhealthy and pointless, I already know this. I want to talk about it more in my LJ, I think that could help me to do something about it.
Other people's nightmares are boring, even when they're about adoption loss and polyamory. Last night I had a nightmare that I was looking after Alex (my daughter who I lost to adoption aged 4), and failing badly. This is a recurring nightmare. This time a partner of my boyfriend was in it, and there was some jealousy from her about another person entirely. We were all sitting around a table eating a meal I'd prepared, I think we were on holiday or something. As always in dreams where I'm neglecting my daughter, she was somewhere between 2 and 3. I can't remember the details: probably a good thing!
Today I am awaiting an Argos delivery of a filing cabinet and some folding chairs. I plan to dye my hair, tidy my living room and do some lower body work while I wait. Stupid delivery time is between 7am and 6pm, so I'm trapped at home not knowing when I'm going to come face to face with the Argos person. I hate uncertainty when it comes to visitors to my home. Opportunity for growth maybe? Affirmation of the day: Today I shall be flexible and open to having humans enter my space.
Question for the day:
Do you do Valentine's Day? Why/why not?
Because I appear happy and confident one day, that means I am *better* and no longer have mental health problems, or that I have finally found self-confidence that will stay.
Wrong. I have confident phases and self-loathing phases. I have periods of depression, hypomania, anxiety and euthymia (the medical term for not being mentally unwell, lol). I may be well at the time you see me, or I may actually be hypomanic. As I have to write on my Disability Living Allowance forms, *my condition varies considerably*.
Because I have lost a significant amount of weight, I no longer have disordered eating. Being on a diet = being cured!
Wrong. Oh so wrong. Since I started watching what I eat (I'm not following the diet that strictly) and exercising regularly, I've continued to binge once a week/once a fortnight. I do this when I'm on my own and it makes me feel like sh*t. I don't know how to stop, particularly when I'm going through difficult head stuff like I am doing at the moment. I don't know how to keep the following foods at home without eating them all in one day: hummus, blocks of cheese, cooked meat (including tinned), ready meals, any kind of dessert apart from home-made sponge cake, butter. I shop every day/every other day because I am afraid of food.
I've been engaging in some bullimic behaviour lately, that's not something I've done much of. It's not something I want to do. I find the weekly weigh-in useful, but sometimes difficult especially if I've binged the night before. I've been using laxatives the night before weigh-in. This is the first time I've been specific about this. Please don't tell me it's unhealthy and pointless, I already know this. I want to talk about it more in my LJ, I think that could help me to do something about it.
Other people's nightmares are boring, even when they're about adoption loss and polyamory. Last night I had a nightmare that I was looking after Alex (my daughter who I lost to adoption aged 4), and failing badly. This is a recurring nightmare. This time a partner of my boyfriend was in it, and there was some jealousy from her about another person entirely. We were all sitting around a table eating a meal I'd prepared, I think we were on holiday or something. As always in dreams where I'm neglecting my daughter, she was somewhere between 2 and 3. I can't remember the details: probably a good thing!
Today I am awaiting an Argos delivery of a filing cabinet and some folding chairs. I plan to dye my hair, tidy my living room and do some lower body work while I wait. Stupid delivery time is between 7am and 6pm, so I'm trapped at home not knowing when I'm going to come face to face with the Argos person. I hate uncertainty when it comes to visitors to my home. Opportunity for growth maybe? Affirmation of the day: Today I shall be flexible and open to having humans enter my space.
Question for the day:
Do you do Valentine's Day? Why/why not?