The Meaning of Death
I am not in any danger.
When I think to myself 'I want to die' it is not death that I crave, but the absence of emotional pain. A former AA sponsor of mine said it was an 'escape fantasy,' and he was right. I still keep thinking of killing myself though, no matter how briefly. Sometimes I have to actively stop myself from jumping in front of a bus or tube train. I have so much to live for, but it's just such a conditioned response to think of ending it when things feel as bad as they do right now.
Most of the year I don't think of my daughter much until something triggers me. I'm getting triggered a lot now I'm dating someone with a small child... I think that's good for me though. But the lead up to christmas... so many adverts with people in families, so many people talking about their plans that involve families. The last time I celebrated christmas was when I was 16, it's not like I miss spending a christmas with my daughter. It's just *family* *family* *family*. I also miss my dad and sister at this time of year, and wallow in feelings of rejection. My Aunty Joan is the only one of my family who is in my life, and she can't see me until next year. Great.
25th December is the day when I pretty much know what Alex is doing. Opening her presents with her 'mum,' 'dad' and 'brothers'. Sorry adopted people, I feel flipping bitter. It also brings it home that she has a very different life than the one she would have had with me had I been coping better. Much less consumerism, zero christianity.
When I think to myself 'I want to die' it is not death that I crave, but the absence of emotional pain. A former AA sponsor of mine said it was an 'escape fantasy,' and he was right. I still keep thinking of killing myself though, no matter how briefly. Sometimes I have to actively stop myself from jumping in front of a bus or tube train. I have so much to live for, but it's just such a conditioned response to think of ending it when things feel as bad as they do right now.
Most of the year I don't think of my daughter much until something triggers me. I'm getting triggered a lot now I'm dating someone with a small child... I think that's good for me though. But the lead up to christmas... so many adverts with people in families, so many people talking about their plans that involve families. The last time I celebrated christmas was when I was 16, it's not like I miss spending a christmas with my daughter. It's just *family* *family* *family*. I also miss my dad and sister at this time of year, and wallow in feelings of rejection. My Aunty Joan is the only one of my family who is in my life, and she can't see me until next year. Great.
25th December is the day when I pretty much know what Alex is doing. Opening her presents with her 'mum,' 'dad' and 'brothers'. Sorry adopted people, I feel flipping bitter. It also brings it home that she has a very different life than the one she would have had with me had I been coping better. Much less consumerism, zero christianity.