BiCon planning: wellbeing
I'm trying to think what my problems may be at BiCon, and what possible solutions to those problems I can figure out.
Panic attacks while socialising
This is the most likely one, and the most debilitating one. When I am socialising, I often have very negative messages I give myself. For example: 'People hate me,' 'I am a wanker,' 'I have nothing of interest to say because I don't have a job and I'm not a student,' 'I am going to say something really stupid.' (Anyone want to correct my punctuation btw? I'm not entirely sure of it.) As well as the negative self-talk, my body language is pretty negative and adds to my nervousness. I want to curl up and bite my hands.
Not everyone likes me. That's fine. But plenty of people like me and want to spend time with me, it's just so easy to forget that for me. So, I intend to replace the negative self-talk with positive self talk. 'People like me,' 'I am a strong intelligent person,' 'mistakes help me learn and grow,' 'I love myself for who I am,' things like that. I'll probably write these down on some card and take them with me.
Feeling lonely and nervous of people at the same time
Tricky one that. Really frelling tricky. When I'm feeling like that I'm usually too nervous/self-hatey to join in quiet things like board/card games without having someone do the initial speaking for me. Someone could help by asking a group "Is it ok if Nye plays? He's feeling rather nervous," but then I have to feel confident enough to ask someone to help me. Oh le sigh. I am going to be bringing lappie with me so that I can access the internet and talk to people in a way that I'm confident with.
Feeling overwhelmed by the pace of things
Ok. I will *not* go to too many workshops, I will not go full speed into every evening entertainment. I shall read my books in my room, tinker with lappie, hang out with people in a chilled out sort of way, knit publicly, go for walks. Have time to myself.
Food worries
I may not look like I am (me being obese and everything), but most of the time I am pretty fussy about eating healthily. I have a rather stupid fear of white bread ('brown bread' too... it has to be wholemeal), I bristle mightily if I don't eat enough fresh fruit/veggies. I'm worried about getting access to decent food. There is a Spar locally, but the supermarkets are a few miles away, and I don't know what the public transport access is. I worry about getting hungry. When I'm hungry I'm way more likely to binge eat. I think I'm going to try and let go of the obsession with healthy food for the duration of the weekend, but tbh that doesn't sound easy to me. Probably need some more positive affirmations to help me! 'It is ok to eat white bread,' 'I have a generally healthy diet,' 'meals with low levels of micro-nutrients are not going to kill me.'
If anyone has any suggestions with this one, I'd be most appreciative! I can't carry too much with me because I'll have lappie, clothes, well that's mostly it really but it won't be light.
People dealing with me
When I look anxious, people go up to me and attempt to hug/pat/stroke me. That makes me feel more anxious. No amount of writing on bicon can prevent that, not everyone who goes to BiCon reads it. As well as dealing with the original anxiety, I have to deal with this extra layer of anxiety. I tend to snap at the huggee unfortunately. I always apologise afterwards (I am way apologetic when coming down from being anxious, it's a bit of an allied symptom).
Because lots of people in the bi community have seen me having panic attacks or just looking very nervous, they tend to be wary of approaching me because they don't want to make me feel worse. That's a bit of a shame really, I do like it when people come up to me and start chatting, I just don't want sudden hugs. I can't guarantee to be anxiety-free when approached though, and I am likely (but not guaranteed) to stutter.
Being wary of cool people, and wary of people I have seen around for the last couple of years but never/rarely chatted to, also worrying about being wary of such people
I know it is a pile of toss to worry about the cool people. They look so good, they look like they have enough friends, and their friends look cool enough to be acceptable to the cool people. I am (partially) intentionally uncool, and I'm rather prejudiced against the cool people. I know some of them are as f*cked up as me though. Argh. I can just say hi, that's what I'll do. Of course, there is a distinct possibility that they only want to hang out with cool people ;-)
Expectations
I need to have realistic expectations. I don't want to be wildly negative or wildly positive in my expectations, either of those extremes can lead to crapness. It is likely that I am going to have good times, bad times and neutral times at BiCon. I have no one person that I expect to look after me, which is good... last year I had expectations in that direction that did not work out at all.
Nye helpers!
That bit goes with expectations. I want some time with particular people, but I know that they want to have fun too. I don't know how to ask for help in advance. Bah. Plus there's the counselling service, if they have volunteers for it this year... alternatively can speak to someone on the desk, and call the Samaritans if need be.
Ok. I think I need the odd 5-15 minute bit of time with someone to calm me down/just give me a bit of attention. How do I ask for this?! Argh. I'm going to talk to people who have been able to calm me down in the past (Bethan, Paul), and ask them what it is that they do for me. Then I could be more specific in asking for help. I'll make a separate post about this I think, possibly link to it on Facebook too. Hm.
General
Things to take other than the absolute necessities:
mp3 player and charger, mobile phone and charger with credit, lappie and misc computery things, camera, knitting, dressing up clothes, books, toys (of both sorts), dummy, knitting, notebook and pen, diary, other stuff
necessities: clothes, money, cards, rail tickets!!, medium towel, minimal toiletries including stuff to get face paint off and sunblock, umbrella, baseball cap (hate the f*cking sun), watch with alarm, possibly other stuff
I may add to this/link to it and expand on it. Hopefully I'm going to take some actions relating to it.
Panic attacks while socialising
This is the most likely one, and the most debilitating one. When I am socialising, I often have very negative messages I give myself. For example: 'People hate me,' 'I am a wanker,' 'I have nothing of interest to say because I don't have a job and I'm not a student,' 'I am going to say something really stupid.' (Anyone want to correct my punctuation btw? I'm not entirely sure of it.) As well as the negative self-talk, my body language is pretty negative and adds to my nervousness. I want to curl up and bite my hands.
Not everyone likes me. That's fine. But plenty of people like me and want to spend time with me, it's just so easy to forget that for me. So, I intend to replace the negative self-talk with positive self talk. 'People like me,' 'I am a strong intelligent person,' 'mistakes help me learn and grow,' 'I love myself for who I am,' things like that. I'll probably write these down on some card and take them with me.
Feeling lonely and nervous of people at the same time
Tricky one that. Really frelling tricky. When I'm feeling like that I'm usually too nervous/self-hatey to join in quiet things like board/card games without having someone do the initial speaking for me. Someone could help by asking a group "Is it ok if Nye plays? He's feeling rather nervous," but then I have to feel confident enough to ask someone to help me. Oh le sigh. I am going to be bringing lappie with me so that I can access the internet and talk to people in a way that I'm confident with.
Feeling overwhelmed by the pace of things
Ok. I will *not* go to too many workshops, I will not go full speed into every evening entertainment. I shall read my books in my room, tinker with lappie, hang out with people in a chilled out sort of way, knit publicly, go for walks. Have time to myself.
Food worries
I may not look like I am (me being obese and everything), but most of the time I am pretty fussy about eating healthily. I have a rather stupid fear of white bread ('brown bread' too... it has to be wholemeal), I bristle mightily if I don't eat enough fresh fruit/veggies. I'm worried about getting access to decent food. There is a Spar locally, but the supermarkets are a few miles away, and I don't know what the public transport access is. I worry about getting hungry. When I'm hungry I'm way more likely to binge eat. I think I'm going to try and let go of the obsession with healthy food for the duration of the weekend, but tbh that doesn't sound easy to me. Probably need some more positive affirmations to help me! 'It is ok to eat white bread,' 'I have a generally healthy diet,' 'meals with low levels of micro-nutrients are not going to kill me.'
If anyone has any suggestions with this one, I'd be most appreciative! I can't carry too much with me because I'll have lappie, clothes, well that's mostly it really but it won't be light.
People dealing with me
When I look anxious, people go up to me and attempt to hug/pat/stroke me. That makes me feel more anxious. No amount of writing on bicon can prevent that, not everyone who goes to BiCon reads it. As well as dealing with the original anxiety, I have to deal with this extra layer of anxiety. I tend to snap at the huggee unfortunately. I always apologise afterwards (I am way apologetic when coming down from being anxious, it's a bit of an allied symptom).
Because lots of people in the bi community have seen me having panic attacks or just looking very nervous, they tend to be wary of approaching me because they don't want to make me feel worse. That's a bit of a shame really, I do like it when people come up to me and start chatting, I just don't want sudden hugs. I can't guarantee to be anxiety-free when approached though, and I am likely (but not guaranteed) to stutter.
Being wary of cool people, and wary of people I have seen around for the last couple of years but never/rarely chatted to, also worrying about being wary of such people
I know it is a pile of toss to worry about the cool people. They look so good, they look like they have enough friends, and their friends look cool enough to be acceptable to the cool people. I am (partially) intentionally uncool, and I'm rather prejudiced against the cool people. I know some of them are as f*cked up as me though. Argh. I can just say hi, that's what I'll do. Of course, there is a distinct possibility that they only want to hang out with cool people ;-)
Expectations
I need to have realistic expectations. I don't want to be wildly negative or wildly positive in my expectations, either of those extremes can lead to crapness. It is likely that I am going to have good times, bad times and neutral times at BiCon. I have no one person that I expect to look after me, which is good... last year I had expectations in that direction that did not work out at all.
Nye helpers!
That bit goes with expectations. I want some time with particular people, but I know that they want to have fun too. I don't know how to ask for help in advance. Bah. Plus there's the counselling service, if they have volunteers for it this year... alternatively can speak to someone on the desk, and call the Samaritans if need be.
Ok. I think I need the odd 5-15 minute bit of time with someone to calm me down/just give me a bit of attention. How do I ask for this?! Argh. I'm going to talk to people who have been able to calm me down in the past (Bethan, Paul), and ask them what it is that they do for me. Then I could be more specific in asking for help. I'll make a separate post about this I think, possibly link to it on Facebook too. Hm.
General
Things to take other than the absolute necessities:
mp3 player and charger, mobile phone and charger with credit, lappie and misc computery things, camera, knitting, dressing up clothes, books, toys (of both sorts), dummy, knitting, notebook and pen, diary, other stuff
necessities: clothes, money, cards, rail tickets!!, medium towel, minimal toiletries including stuff to get face paint off and sunblock, umbrella, baseball cap (hate the f*cking sun), watch with alarm, possibly other stuff
I may add to this/link to it and expand on it. Hopefully I'm going to take some actions relating to it.