Walter
had a dream about walter last night... probably why i feel the way i do... when you loose someone who was there for you through some of your hardest times it will always cause some type of mental affect on a human being. I said my goodbye May 1st.. as he laid brain dead in the hospital. cried for months... every day... he finally left this world May 4th when his family donated most of his organs for him to live on... i said goodbye to his ashesthe morning of May 7th... and from that day forward tried to make sense of a senseless tragedy...
Walter was a ball of energy. a beautiful soul that left behind a family and a girlfriend who loved him so much and he had a beautiful passion for. I watched them go through there good times and there bad, yet they had this deep lying love for one another no one else could come close to. And as the months have passed, I have watched a grown woman decline in health and happiness for the loss of her beloved Walter. She will never get to have the family they planned, the life they had set up... and it was all lost in an instant... gone by a foolish mistake.
When you watch something like this unfold, if makes you review your life...the ups, the downs the sideways ... everything... the should ofs and the could ofs... Makes you want to reach out to people lost in the shuffle of self discovery. But deep down, you know you shouldnt'... that the world isnt a happy forgiving place like you try so hard to beleve it is.
Sometimes when i get to this place, its not nostolgic... in fact, i am not sure what it is, i try and think of the last 10 years of my life and what i have accomplished and what I have failed at... it makes me think of the moments i wished i tried harder and the ones i wish i didn't. All the moments i took for granted and the ones i should have just slipped away. A friend took me to a psychic a few weeks ago, and something she said to me has been in my head ever since... "Everything you have been through has bought you right to this point... this is where the stars wanted you to be" and as i have replayed that statement over and over in my head i keep thinking to myself... why? why put a human being through so much love hads and lost... why have them pushed around and pushed down ... i mean i can obviously handle it... i get it... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... but really?
but then as i think about what doesnt kill us makes us stronger... i think of you walter... it killed you... your one last time.,,, your last shot... your final hurrah... the last time you would do it was really your last time... and as i sat with you praying and holding your hand listening to the machines ... knowing that they were keeping you alive... i thought of how everything was going to be different... how we were all going to be different with out you... how i missed certain people in my life that i wish never left it... but right now i miss you so much my dear friend... and i know Molly does too... and as I told you that night, thank you for saving me...and being the brother I needed so desperately then in my life... i love you Walter...