another cry for help, or attention, or whatever.
i sat at home today and read an entire fucking book about the L.A. riots. some 250ish pages. christ thats alot of pages, and although it was quite interesting, it was also quite depresing. it left me all day to pretty much sit at home and dwell. mom and dad were gone hunting, the cat was sleeping, no music, no tv, no phone calls, no one on the interweb(which ive grown to be a complete whore for it),nothing.
i think i really am deppresed. seriously, i think it could be diagnosable. im lonely. i need contact. i know i have the best friends in the world but sometimes i feel like im completely alone, or even, like, they dont really want to deal with me. i espacially felt this today. is it becuase i wear my heart on my sleave as one might say? i feel like my feelings about people and sistuations are showing through too much and it drives people away, or leaves them afriad to get to close to me, i have (more) then a feeling that this has been happening. i sorry that i make everyone uncomfortable, the fact of the matter is i cant remember a time in this past half year when i have felt comfortable. honestly, there is always hurt and heartache sadness somewhere in my head, even if i am happy. i hate it. and as the holidays and winter get closer it seems to be getting stronger. this is a time of year when im usually pretty happy. its like the early season stoke for the ski season, christmas coming, new years. traditionally this time of the year i seem to have relatively good luck with girls, social event are a blast. i think im more attractive to other people because im happy. with my current state of mind i cant this year being like that and it scares the shit out me. and no, sorry, i cant look at things in a different, more opptomistic light. ive usually concider myself to be an oppitmist. and then a few fateful events happen it the whole world falls out from beneath you, and you nolonger can see things differently, your nolonger opptomistic. i feel like ive been living a lie that i cant keep up anymore, but if i dont keep it up everyone will not want anything to do with me. cuz that person ive been hiding is not a plesant one. i will walk everywhere sulking and pissed, paranoid and protective, ready to accuse anyone of anything before i know anything about it. i can hear my words now, i would probably turn everything to stone. my closest friends would punch me square in the face screaming "snap out of it!" i know for a fact rachel would probably never want to see me again.......and to think that this whole situation....is 90% about how i feel about her.
it makes my stomach turn and my blood run cold. i look at my Love Life tattoo and though im greatful for everything i have and the life ive been living, im still sad, i look at that ink on my arm and it give me no answers. but the answer is right there, fucking scared into my skin! i just cant see it.
i need help.
i think i really am deppresed. seriously, i think it could be diagnosable. im lonely. i need contact. i know i have the best friends in the world but sometimes i feel like im completely alone, or even, like, they dont really want to deal with me. i espacially felt this today. is it becuase i wear my heart on my sleave as one might say? i feel like my feelings about people and sistuations are showing through too much and it drives people away, or leaves them afriad to get to close to me, i have (more) then a feeling that this has been happening. i sorry that i make everyone uncomfortable, the fact of the matter is i cant remember a time in this past half year when i have felt comfortable. honestly, there is always hurt and heartache sadness somewhere in my head, even if i am happy. i hate it. and as the holidays and winter get closer it seems to be getting stronger. this is a time of year when im usually pretty happy. its like the early season stoke for the ski season, christmas coming, new years. traditionally this time of the year i seem to have relatively good luck with girls, social event are a blast. i think im more attractive to other people because im happy. with my current state of mind i cant this year being like that and it scares the shit out me. and no, sorry, i cant look at things in a different, more opptomistic light. ive usually concider myself to be an oppitmist. and then a few fateful events happen it the whole world falls out from beneath you, and you nolonger can see things differently, your nolonger opptomistic. i feel like ive been living a lie that i cant keep up anymore, but if i dont keep it up everyone will not want anything to do with me. cuz that person ive been hiding is not a plesant one. i will walk everywhere sulking and pissed, paranoid and protective, ready to accuse anyone of anything before i know anything about it. i can hear my words now, i would probably turn everything to stone. my closest friends would punch me square in the face screaming "snap out of it!" i know for a fact rachel would probably never want to see me again.......and to think that this whole situation....is 90% about how i feel about her.
it makes my stomach turn and my blood run cold. i look at my Love Life tattoo and though im greatful for everything i have and the life ive been living, im still sad, i look at that ink on my arm and it give me no answers. but the answer is right there, fucking scared into my skin! i just cant see it.
i need help.