(no subject)
Things are odd here. I recently had a conversation with one of Alex's friends about the emotional trauma if you will I've been experiencing. He witnessed Alex becoming upset with me on a couple occasions and had been driving Alex to his fake therapy appointments unknowingly so he's become this unlikely confidant as he's gotten to see it first hand; the lying and the anger. Its allowed me a good deal of honesty being that there's not that barrier of "oh she's crazy" or "I bet it cant be that bad." In fact I've been dramatically minimizing it to a lot of people. Im trying to get honest, but its easier to bury my head in the sand and largely ignore life as its happening.
Talbot, er, Stephen, I call him Talbot as its the military custom and its how I was introduced had come for a haircut and then we decided to grab dinner. Alex suddenly decided he wanted to take my truck and was texting/calling Talbot about it. We leave and I throw the keys at Alex and he starts yelling about largely nothing, but its incredibly intense its not that he's accusing me of anything of that its yelling about an issue, its just intense yelling. He didn't stop til I was crying then said he couldn't help himself. Talbot came back over worried about me and I shut the door in his face,2 he kept texting and messaging me then finally showed up again. It was weird to see someone worried about me. Im used to feeling like somehow I've blown this out of proportion and to have someone that concerned about the look on my face was a weird mirror. Someone demanding to come in, it was strange and unnerving after a year of mostly being alone.
He asked how I take it in stride. I didn't think I was but apparently I put on a good face. He asked if I needed a shoulder and I said I really wasn't the type. We watched cooking shows and went to get milkshakes. He started a story
"You know I can't help but cry when it happens. I dont know why and its incredibly embarrassing" he says
"when what happens?"
"when someone is yelling at me. I cry."
"I hate when that happens."
"There was this time when a chief went off on me for not having my station clean. He was in my face spitting and screaming, yelling, and it didn't stop no matter what I said. He ended up backing me into a wall and yelling at me"
"My god that's awful. Its a huge problem I have within the navy that because you're largely men you get to be treated like shit. You get to yell and piss all over each other for rank."
"But isn't that what you're going through? Aren't you pushed into a corner?"
"I never thought of it that way. I guess I am."
"You need and deserve people in your corner. You can't just keep holding onto it."
Silence happened for a while after that. Having someone sympathetic to listen has been hard. Its so conflicting with all the yelling that I've gotten so used to. Im woken up in the middle of the night to yelling, early in the morning, whenever I get home. Its about everything and nothing all at once. Im exhausted. I had told Talbot that I was glad he'd been there for alex that Alex needs someone on his side but apparently no one wants to be by him knowing whats happening here. He always offers his assistance if I need a place to hide. Its nice to have a friend.
Im scared of going home. Im scared of how Im going to handle everything. Im not going to be the same and I hope people allow me the space to heal, the allowance to be upset in the middle of the day seemingly triggered by nothing. I just keep holding it down and I know its going to come out sometime. Even now sometimes I'll get these few minutes of pure rage at the lies, the drug use, all of it. I get so angry at the manipulations and how everyone chooses to be so fucking blind and his parents just throw money to get it to be better.
The other day I ran naked on the beach. It was beautiful and freeing. I hope to discover more moments like that. I need to get some of this out, I need to get out of this corner. I keep quiet to make the arguements stop and so that they won't escalate. How longer will I be quiet? Will I not ever stand up for myself to him again or is it all going to come out?
I used to think I wanted to be in a human services field but I can tell you know Im done with addicts, Im done feeling like that because I can deal with them and I grew up in a poor neighborhood with children that fell victim makes it so I owe it to people to live a life of helping them. I cant do it right now. I hope to volunteer in my old neighborhood sometime, but between Alex and my mothers recent health decline due to her abusive relationship I've seen enough.
Watching Alex become this monster in such a short span makes me give up a bit of optimism about recovery from addiction. its hard to watch someone whom I've cared so much for turn into this raging abusive addict with nothing on his mind besides preserving his ability to get high. Its tragic. His skin has lost its luster, he's lost a ton of weight, he never sleeps so he has these bags under his eyes. I look at him with all the sadness in the world remembering who he used to be to me. But they are two different people, Ive stopped seeing the glimpses of his old self lately. It used to be half and half but lately its been either high Alex, angry Alex, or regretful and shamed Alex. Im hoping that our mutual close friends will get him the help he needs, but I think they want to believe that its not a big deal, that this will all pass. It won't. Its hard to accept that, being that he as this amazing potential to be kind and good and he just threw it away. We could have had so much and its just garbage now.
I want to be in a home sometime soon. A home with my own bed. A home where I wont get woken up in the middle of the night to yelling, where I don't have to ask permission to exist and where I can finally be safe. I just want some solace for Mabel and I.
Oh Mabel. How upsetting it is that I'll be separated from her til I get a place to live. After losing so much here, namely Echo.. Mabel has become my world. She's the most sympathetic beautiful dog ever. Im so thankful to have her, have something to wake up for, a guaranteed smile on a daily basis. I love her to bits and I hope I can give her a stable life too.
I don't know if hope is the right word as I dont feel very hopeful. Perhaps desperate is a better word. I'm desperate for Mabel and I to go onto a stable life.
Talbot, er, Stephen, I call him Talbot as its the military custom and its how I was introduced had come for a haircut and then we decided to grab dinner. Alex suddenly decided he wanted to take my truck and was texting/calling Talbot about it. We leave and I throw the keys at Alex and he starts yelling about largely nothing, but its incredibly intense its not that he's accusing me of anything of that its yelling about an issue, its just intense yelling. He didn't stop til I was crying then said he couldn't help himself. Talbot came back over worried about me and I shut the door in his face,2 he kept texting and messaging me then finally showed up again. It was weird to see someone worried about me. Im used to feeling like somehow I've blown this out of proportion and to have someone that concerned about the look on my face was a weird mirror. Someone demanding to come in, it was strange and unnerving after a year of mostly being alone.
He asked how I take it in stride. I didn't think I was but apparently I put on a good face. He asked if I needed a shoulder and I said I really wasn't the type. We watched cooking shows and went to get milkshakes. He started a story
"You know I can't help but cry when it happens. I dont know why and its incredibly embarrassing" he says
"when what happens?"
"when someone is yelling at me. I cry."
"I hate when that happens."
"There was this time when a chief went off on me for not having my station clean. He was in my face spitting and screaming, yelling, and it didn't stop no matter what I said. He ended up backing me into a wall and yelling at me"
"My god that's awful. Its a huge problem I have within the navy that because you're largely men you get to be treated like shit. You get to yell and piss all over each other for rank."
"But isn't that what you're going through? Aren't you pushed into a corner?"
"I never thought of it that way. I guess I am."
"You need and deserve people in your corner. You can't just keep holding onto it."
Silence happened for a while after that. Having someone sympathetic to listen has been hard. Its so conflicting with all the yelling that I've gotten so used to. Im woken up in the middle of the night to yelling, early in the morning, whenever I get home. Its about everything and nothing all at once. Im exhausted. I had told Talbot that I was glad he'd been there for alex that Alex needs someone on his side but apparently no one wants to be by him knowing whats happening here. He always offers his assistance if I need a place to hide. Its nice to have a friend.
Im scared of going home. Im scared of how Im going to handle everything. Im not going to be the same and I hope people allow me the space to heal, the allowance to be upset in the middle of the day seemingly triggered by nothing. I just keep holding it down and I know its going to come out sometime. Even now sometimes I'll get these few minutes of pure rage at the lies, the drug use, all of it. I get so angry at the manipulations and how everyone chooses to be so fucking blind and his parents just throw money to get it to be better.
The other day I ran naked on the beach. It was beautiful and freeing. I hope to discover more moments like that. I need to get some of this out, I need to get out of this corner. I keep quiet to make the arguements stop and so that they won't escalate. How longer will I be quiet? Will I not ever stand up for myself to him again or is it all going to come out?
I used to think I wanted to be in a human services field but I can tell you know Im done with addicts, Im done feeling like that because I can deal with them and I grew up in a poor neighborhood with children that fell victim makes it so I owe it to people to live a life of helping them. I cant do it right now. I hope to volunteer in my old neighborhood sometime, but between Alex and my mothers recent health decline due to her abusive relationship I've seen enough.
Watching Alex become this monster in such a short span makes me give up a bit of optimism about recovery from addiction. its hard to watch someone whom I've cared so much for turn into this raging abusive addict with nothing on his mind besides preserving his ability to get high. Its tragic. His skin has lost its luster, he's lost a ton of weight, he never sleeps so he has these bags under his eyes. I look at him with all the sadness in the world remembering who he used to be to me. But they are two different people, Ive stopped seeing the glimpses of his old self lately. It used to be half and half but lately its been either high Alex, angry Alex, or regretful and shamed Alex. Im hoping that our mutual close friends will get him the help he needs, but I think they want to believe that its not a big deal, that this will all pass. It won't. Its hard to accept that, being that he as this amazing potential to be kind and good and he just threw it away. We could have had so much and its just garbage now.
I want to be in a home sometime soon. A home with my own bed. A home where I wont get woken up in the middle of the night to yelling, where I don't have to ask permission to exist and where I can finally be safe. I just want some solace for Mabel and I.
Oh Mabel. How upsetting it is that I'll be separated from her til I get a place to live. After losing so much here, namely Echo.. Mabel has become my world. She's the most sympathetic beautiful dog ever. Im so thankful to have her, have something to wake up for, a guaranteed smile on a daily basis. I love her to bits and I hope I can give her a stable life too.
I don't know if hope is the right word as I dont feel very hopeful. Perhaps desperate is a better word. I'm desperate for Mabel and I to go onto a stable life.